a gun

there are four men seated around the table. it's a glass table.

 

some would call it a coffe table but. no one ever think to put coffe on this table.

 

 

 

the owner of the table is dead now...because of this table

but thats a story for another time.

 

 

 

on this glass table. A fresh scratch runs across it.

put there from a gun being slid into the center of it.

 

 

the four men

all have a reason to take this gun

to take this gun

and c**k back the hammer

 

and to unload onto the other three.

 

 

 

 

but that also. is a story for another time.

 

 

 

 

 

so than what are we doing here?

why are we in this room.

 

a hanging

innocent bystander. (is that how you spell that?)

 

why are omnipitent.

aware that each man's heart is racing. each man is sweating in there own way.

 

 

why do we know all of this,

and why are waiting to see what happens?

 

 

why are we aware of the details of the stinky room

stinky dark room.

 

 

what

are we

so gripped by this

for?

 

 

 

 

what about

irrelevance to us

is so interesting?

Reviews

[Tough review]

I like the point you made at the end. But your motive was a little slurred by typo's. I would highly advise you go back and check this entire piece over. And I'm not sure whether this was your intent, but its a little choppy, maybe if you made it flow (this doesn't actually require you to change anything but how the stanza's are formed and spaced out) it could be a much stronger piece then it is right now. There's a lot of potential in this write, so show me it.

[JohnnySwagger]

I love it. Kinda wanna know what happens next!

[Brandon Wilson]

Hmm, this is a very interesting story, I like the idea here. You do a good job of building suspense even though you give only a few details. I think the reason that this has the effect that it does is the small off shoots you mention but then just leave hanging peek our interest and allow the reader to imagine why all these things are and we are so busy trying to figure it out that in a way we are writing our own story. I'm curious as to why you did the spacing the way you did, I think it has an interesting effect. I think with a bit of editing and some buffering this could be a very intriguing piece.