gr/evance

not a poem

i adore existence, i burn to continually breath in the world but i hate the shape of it’s structures. i dislike it strongly and i dislike that i must fit into it so neatly. as adolescent and contrived a grievance it may be i will always hate what the structure has done to life.

Reviews

[WizardsAffliction]

Try adding some punctuation. Helps keep the poem sensible to a point.
Second line: "I burn to continually breath in the world"--- I think you meant "breathe" here.

Try building more on your imagery. Instead of telling us how you feel, show us. Play with the language. Dig in for those awe-inspiring words. Remember as well: immediacy is key. -ing words are okay every now and then. But overusing them line after line will bog down the poem. I learned that the hard way.

This is a decent start, though. The structure is nice.

Hope this helps and happy trails! :D

[alan khan]

You're the first person to actually offer me constructive criticism in the way of not just saying how great it is thank you. But I must confess I didn't intend for this to be a poem when I wrote it, it was just a really long run on sentence like a journal entry. I thought if I shifted the structure it could be a poem. I'm nt sure about that now. Thank you very much for the read.

[WizardsAffliction]

You're most welcome, good sir.

[poetdoug]

Well stated.
As you say, it is not in poem form, but certainly does get your point across very well.