"Constriction"

Wrote this for a friend. Family's with these ideals set for their children still exist. And it's hard to understand. She is in serious conflict with her self, her aspirations, and dreams. With love:

Al, I can't bear this much longer, 

My chest just heaves from the stress of this mess, 

that weighs on my shoulders as I get dressed, 

knowing my day will start in the cage and end being pressed, 

against the cage wall.

My ambitions compressed in a bottle, 

that I could never throw out to sea..

A breeze that doesn't flow, do you know what that means?

to believe you won't be free indefinitely,

a never ending hall.

My mind moves like a snake, boa constrictor, 

and prevents the movements my desires make, 

because the parts they molded and raised, 

believe for their sake through their claims, "behave"

that I am too small. 

Too face the world that to me they deliver, 

on a platter of rights and wrongs. 

"Boys you can't see, you're out for too long"

"Stay here and study, you can't leave home."

Always in thrall. 

They never believe me either.

"You'll waste time with friends, come home after college" 

what about studying, what about knowledge?

"That we acknowledge, but we know you can manage."

Take a moment time and just stall. 

What if I can't manage much longer?

I don't get what you are saying.

You want me to study but also be

busy cooking and cleaning? 

No one can be one for all. 

Why was I born all together? 

A boy was always what you wanted,

but you got a beautiful girl instead, 

that from head to toe you dusted and molded, 

to adhere to beckon and call. 

And am I failure?

If I plead my case that I unfortunately make, 

these mistakes in haste from the pressures I take, 

from being plunged right into this lake, 

full of expectations I don't want to recall.

 

To serve some man in the future,

to become a housewife, and I don't mean "woman of the house" wife,

I mean under the house, always at work, always to serve, always in strife,

to bring happiness to the world, but not to my life, 

to never get up but just fall.

What would you have done to your daughter, 

if she had been a lesbian?

No, one can't be melded that way, I mean

how can one sin for being human, homo sapien, having emotion, 

I guess you would just be appalled.

That your daughter, you brought her, 

into this world for something other than business connections. 

Well, I want connections.. in education, 

maybe then I will succeed and be away from

what keeps me shackled, all this trouble. 

I want to be more than this, happier, 

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way deep inside, 

that they had to meld their mind and soul, even put it aside, 

to make someone else be better, and thats how you stay happy, right?

but that is a deep, complicated hole. 

I don't want to fall into it ever, 

I'd rather fall in love, struggle, grow old, raise kids, and be successful, 

some things that people find stable, commonly available, 

that I find hard to find, not able, unavailable, a fable. 

I'd give it my all. 

I still love them, but I gotta tell ya, 

it's getting harder to barter without any emotional ties, 

knowing it's starting to change to physical cries, 

to do better, graduate, be married off, to increase our pride. 

No love, just business, reputation, the money haul. 

Knowing I can't do for me what's better, 

to talk to who I choose,to love who I choose,  

because I lose to culture, tradition, the money, intoxicates the mind like what we call haram, booze. 

It feels like a noose around my neck, not loose

as I fall behind this religious shawl. 

It will haunt me forever, 

if I don't do something about this now, 

maybe when I'm free with a great degree I can change their mind somehow.

But if it doesn't then I'll be rushing to escape this place, but how? 

Please, any advice, Al?

Help me on this endeavor. 

Wait, are you even listening?

You're just staring off into space idiot, your thoughts whistling, 

Nevermind, what would you understand, your a man, easier setting. 

Sigh.. come on, walk me back, it's nightfall. 

- Al Mahiyan