Monologue

 

EDDIE SITS AT THE BAR OF A POSH WINEBAR, ALL WOOD FLOORING AND FLASHY LIGHTING.

 

EDDIE

Is it a crime to be lonely?

(A BEAT)

 

No I didn’t think so either, but you know what it’s like, time on my hands... I was bored. So I was looking at this website.

(A BEAT, DEFENSIVE)

 

Not one of those sites.

(A BEAT, NERVOUS SMILE)

 

A dating site.

(A BEAT)

 

I’m not sad or nothing, it’s just well... I was curious, some of the girls were stunning. What they needed a dating sight for I’ll never know.

(A BEAT)

 

It’s not that I don’t get my fair share you understand... It’s just that, well they’re only after one thing. They see the flash car, suits and all that, I just get them interested and I can see the pound signs in their eyes...

(A BEAT, TAKES A DRINK)

 

I’m not boasting or nothing, I’ve done well for myself, money’s not something to be ashamed of. But the women I meet are so shallow, flash the cash and their knickers drop faster than the stock exchange. I wanted to meet someone with a bit of class.

(A BEAT, PLAYS NERVOUSLY WITH HIS GLASS)

 

Foreign students most of them were. Classy as well, looked as if they could be on the front cover of one of those glossy magazines.

(A BEAT)

 

I know what you’re thinking, but I’m no mug, I wasn’t just going to send money off to this faceless email and kiss it goodbye... You hear so many stories of some idiot or other losing his life’s savings to one of these scams... No, I decided to see him in person. Like I said I’m not a mug. Anyway, we arranged to meet, posh restaurant, I liked his style. Oh and did I mention he brought his wife with him. Tatiana. Absolutely stunning. Could’ve been a model, blonde hair, long legs, know what I mean?

(A BEAT)

 

Harry he said his name was. Never caught his surname.

(A BEAT, LOOSENS HIS TIE)

 

Said he met Tatiana through a lonely hearts column. Now I’m definitely not that sad, I’d never lower myself to stoop that low, I mean, you never know who you might meet. Could be some axe wielding crazy... Anyway, this Tatiana was amazing. Harry said he had plenty of women like her on his books. To say I was interested was a bit of an understatement, I had a hard-on you could have cut glass with.

(LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE)

 

Ten grand, that’s what he said he wanted. Gold membership, or something. Now I know what you’re thinking, hell of a lot of money just to meet women. But what price happiness?

(A BEAT)

 

Told him I’d think about it. I wasn’t going to just rush in... Gave him my card, oh and I got a little peck on the cheek from Tatiana.

(A BEAT, SMILES)

 

Call me an old romantic, but I’ve always been a sucker for a beautiful lady. Maybe that’s what got me involved with these people? Anyway I couldn’t get the thought of Tatiana out of my head, I even started dreaming about her.

(A BEAT, LAUGHS)

 

I know I’m sad.

(A BEAT)

 

Anyway I got this call, my heart nearly stopped. It was Tatiana. Sweaty palms and everything... I was like a tittle kid. Said she wanted to speak with me. Now this girl looks like a supermodel, and me, well I’m no oil painting, but the amount of heads that turned when I met up with her were unbelievable. I’d never really noticed that sort of thing before, but boy did it make me feel like something.

(A BEAT, SMILES)

 

Flirting? Boy she was all over me like a rash. Flicking her hair, laughing at my jokes. Even playing footsie under the table. I know, I thought I was dreaming.

 

EDDIE LOOKED ROUND THE WINEBAR AS IF LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

 

EDDIE (CONT’D)

I tried to play it cool, but inside my heart was beating like a drum, I thought even she could hear it. Then she sprung it on me.

(A BEAT)

 

Said she wanted away from Harry, but he wouldn’t give her a divorce. He was having affairs left right and centre, but if she saw anybody he’d get insanely jealous. She needed money to get away from him.

(A BEAT)

 

She was absolutely stunning, eyes you could drown in. He beat her you know, I could see slight bruises under her makeup. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s somebody who hits women. It’s just not on...

(A BEAT)

 

So we agreed a plan, we were going to take Harry to the cleaners.

(A BEAT)

 

She had his bank account details, showed me a copy of his bank statement. I never knew lonely hearts could pay so well... She just needed a little start up money so that she could get herself a flat, just a little one, nothing fancy... I offered to put her up... She wouldn’t have any of it. Said she needed to stand on her own two feet... A women who wasn’t going to sponge off me, now I was impressed.

(A BEAT)

 

I was prepared to write her a cheque, there and then, but Harry could trace her through the cheque. She didn’t want him to find her. Her eyes are so beautiful, crystal blue. Like I said, I’m a sucker for a beautiful woman. Anyway I didn’t find it difficult to get her the money, if you can’t help a damsel in distress then what’s the point.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

 

Twenty grand deposit for a flat. Her face was like the sun when I gave it her, it lit up. Let’s just say she was more than grateful.

(SMILES LEWDLY)

 

You’ll get to meet her soon.

(A BEAT, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)

 

She’s meeting me here at nine.

(A BEAT, LOOKS TO THE DOOR)

 

It’s not a crime to be lonely is it?

Reviews

[Celtic Cat]

Nope, not a crime to be lonely, but loneliness sure can lead to crimes.... I always wondered if the unibomber had just one friend he could have rolled that idea past, maybe he could've talked some sense into him. This was an interesting piece, I'm still struggling to write a monologue I like, since finding one already written that fits me seems to be a never-ending quest for the holy grail. good job on this! How'd you do in the contest?

[~D.A. Phoenix~]

cool