Without You

It seems that you have said something through your eyes

life seems to complete without sleeping

soul is there but my breath is stopping

 

I know that you didn't need a support

I am here only for giving you my side

 

Everytime i met you

It seems that your eyes want to ask something

 

Travelling through a long distance i get a doubt

It seems that your eyes are seeing me

 

It seems that moments of my life are going to stop

It seems that life is moving so fast

so fast away from reach

 

I always think about you

like all my breath i take is for you

 

Like something you hide from me

It seems that your eyes want to see me

Life seems to complete without sleeping

Soul is there but my breath is stopping

 

i am here but incomplete Without you. . .

Reviews

[kelly]

Much better than the other poem you had! This seems a bit like a song. I would recommend a few changes to strengthen the meaning. Take out 'that' and a lot of non-native speakers tend to use 'are -ing' rather than the simple tense, although
in the case of stopping, sleeping and moving- the -ing works well and structures the poem.

Try changing the flow a bit "It seems you have said something with your eyes"
"It seems that your eyes see me"
"It seems that moments of my life are going to stop"
""Like something you hide from me"

[ScarlettTheDreamer]

the last line is fantastic. loved it all :)

[HorrorMaster]

Really good

[Holly]

Kelly speaks true, by changing it around some like what she said it adds to the flow and makes it more structured :)

All in all the message conveyed is very intense and emotional. I always love reading your work no matter how unrefined it may be in the beginning :)

[jay-lyse]

touching and nice!!!

[sushi]

Wow!!! a great work....

[Sweets]

This is amazing ._.
Best of your poems so far!
I truly loved this ._.
Great work!!!

[.shalynn.009.]

A little like a song with the two repeating lines in the first and seventh stanzas. Interesting that the second of these two stanzas was the only one with four lines to it. Four often symbolizes unity and perfection in literature, while two (you have quite a few two-line stanzas in this) represents duality adn three (your three-line stanzas) symbolizes doom. This seemed to work coherently with your piece adn the sentiments written inside of these stanzas. I also like that you ended with a single-line stanza, which really emphasizes the speaker's aloneness. I also like that the poem didn't end with a period, which left the problem unresolved.

You repeated the phrase "It seems" a lot throughout this piece, which helped to underline the fact that things are not always as they seem, just as the speaker's relationship wasn't all that it seemed.

In the last stanza, it was an interesting technique to leave the "i" uncapitalized. This helped to underline the fact that the speaker feels incomplete. Also interesting that you capitalized "Without" rather than you. It kind of made the phrase "Without you" cut off from the rest of the line, singling it out and emphasizing that motif, which is really what the poem is all about.

Overall, I liked this a lot. There's quite a bit to it, adn it took a few readings for me to really grasp the whole thing (which I say as a good thing). The kind of disconnect between some of the phrases and tenses also worked well in the context. So good job.

PS: sorry it took so loong to get to this. I have 77 read requests and I'm teying to go through them based on who got them in first. I promise I'm not ignoring you.

[Loner]

Really heartfelt and a sweet write.....

[Sarah McConnaughey]

This is very sweet and romantic.

[Alicia™]

This is a sweet poem, great job!