Without You

It seems that you have said something through your eyes

life seems to complete without sleeping

soul is there but my breath is stopping

 

I know that you didn't need a support

I am here only for giving you my side

 

Everytime i met you

It seems that your eyes want to ask something

 

Travelling through a long distance i get a doubt

It seems that your eyes are seeing me

 

It seems that moments of my life are going to stop

It seems that life is moving so fast

so fast away from reach

 

I always think about you

like all my breath i take is for you

 

Like something you hide from me

It seems that your eyes want to see me

Life seems to complete without sleeping

Soul is there but my breath is stopping

 

i am here but incomplete Without you. . .

Reviews

[kelly]

Much better than the other poem you had! This seems a bit like a song. I would recommend a few changes to strengthen the meaning. Take out 'that' and a lot of non-native speakers tend to use 'are -ing' rather than the simple tense, although
in the case of stopping, sleeping and moving- the -ing works well and structures the poem.

Try changing the flow a bit "It seems you have said something with your eyes"
"It seems that your eyes see me"
"It seems that moments of my life are going to stop"
""Like something you hide from me"

[smilempsn]

hmm.. nicely written.. that reminds me of a song...... :) :)
And I guess, you know which one... ^-^

[Akshat♥]

Yes..it is a conversion of that song..."tum bin "

[smilempsn]

No ... The conversion of 'Tum Bin' is different poem.. This is of 'Koyi Fariyaad'
Well you are most welcome to delete my review from here too...

[Akshat♥]

o yeah..i forgot...don't worry i will not delete this one..

[Ravyne Hawke]

This is some deep love.. and feeling incomplete without him. I love all of the eye references.. the windows to our souls. well done.

[Akshat♥]

Thank you dear :)

[Dakshta]

A nice write...it had flow in it but it didn't catch my eyes right away..

[Akshat♥]

Read it again later then :)
Thank you :)

[Dakshta]

welcome :)

[beautiful life]

nice

[Akshat♥]

:)

[Lily Finch]

so beautiful .. i like it :)

[Akshat♥]

Thank you :)

[Anuvart]

without you nice title..
poem is excellent !!

[Hitman]

loved the last line..fantastic:)

[Akshat♥]

Thank you everyone for your beautiful reviews..
i really appreciate it:)

[Dimples87]

Beautifully written. You started off strong but the way you put your words were confusing unless you read it line by line. You have a way of making the reader (me) crave your words, long for the following of your thought and feeling. That is what I enjoyed about this. It had me hanging on, looking for more and the ending was just beautiful and it was tied together beautifully. Very special, very good. Loved it!

[Becky C Strukamp]

i am here but incomplete Without you. . .


what a wonderful last line

Loved the poem ...well penned!!