my first step

A Story by Brenden

My life story

growing up I didn't know my father, but it didn't realer matter. my uncle played the father role in my life. my mom though, we haad more of a brother and sister relationship. My grandmother was more the mother. there was always alchol in the house yet I never felt the need to have it. But at any kind of party, be it communion, fifth birthday, christening, graduation, or just family visiting, my family was drinking. it seemed there was always three coolers, two for beers, and one for kid drinks, water, soda. growing up wasn't easy nothing ever seemed good enough for my mother, she as a yeller. it seemed anything I did to try and get a positive reaction failed. she never noticed the good things I did, yet always lost it over anything bad. throughout school I was bullied and had very little friends. Up until fourth grade it seemed my mom always had a new boyfriend. But I barley remember them. There was however one I remember that I really like, and my mom and him apporoched me and said they were getting married. I was excited, yet it seemed the next day he disappeared. and then another man came in, this one my mom did marry. They had two kids, and we moved in with him my fifth grade year. An for that year I went to Islip schools. I wasn't bullied there, but I was still isolated. in sixth grade we moved back to north Babylon and stayed there until after I finished ninth grade. Those years were the worst expirence of bulling I received. I didn't have my first taste of alcohol until 12, I didn't like it really. we were at a family party and one of my uncles friends let me try a sip. At 16 though my family started to letme drink at parties. One or two shots of patron really maybe a beer as well. But it wasn't until I turned 18 that I had gotten drunk. it was an after party from prom night. I drank a pint of Georgie and 4-5 beers. I wound up back at my uncles house I threw up and slept in his bathroom. Yet around graduation my brother who was eight at the time got a restraining order against me. His father had brainwashed him. I watched his father try to kill my mother the summer before 12th grade. I didn't know it at the time but he was a drug addict and a drug dealer. After that fight they got a divorce but it wasn't that simple, he caused hell for my mother and the rest of the family. We had to tip toe around my brother because if we did anything to him he went to his father then we had the cops knocking on the door. I started smoking poot my second semester of college. I didn't like the way itt felt so I stopped. but it was some point between 6th grade and 10th grade I stopped feeling. I was tiered of being nice and caring, then being used and walked over and bullied. it was also at the time I stated showing early signs of addiction. I was addicted to video games. they ruled my life practically. I ignored family and friends and did whatever I could to just get a little bit of gaming in. I lied and stole and manipulated friends and family to get new video games or consols. a little before I dropped out of college I got a job at a bar. at this point all I did was smoke cigarets and drink on occasion. But on St. patties dayi got trashed and was vomiting at work, I was still underage. shortly after that I got fired. inbetween then and when I got rehired I started smoking pot. But before I left I was introduced to mushrooms. but it wasn't until I got back to the bar that it became a problem. While I had no job I had met my best friend randall. we were friends before I got fired he actually hung out at the bar with me allot until he got a job there for 3 days and was fied on St patties day. im still not entirely sure why. but it was in that time where I didn't have a job that he bribed me to smoke pot again wih food, I accepted. and liked it allot more ths time. but when I got back to the bar I started smoking allot and eating mushrooms at least once a week. I was even selling both mushrooms and pot. I had a deccent income from it. but I wasthinking of quiting and took a week off to go visit my father in florida. when I had gotten back me and randall called out for that week I was back. I had spent allot of money in florida but also stocked up on stuff to sell and I was having randall do it for me while I was gone. A cop took the pot, he got lucky though, he had everything on him, scale baggies oz of pot and a freshly packed bowl. the cop took the pot and gave him a parking ticket. but when I had finally gone back to work I was there for two hours and got injured and needed surgery. I was out of work for a month and a half. I asked my boss about workers comp he fired me again. after a while I had gotten a job at Buffalo Wild Wings. I worked there before but quit for the bar. it was at this place that I met Eric. this was were my life started to turn. and even before I met him though I had gotten tiered of pot and mushrooms. I always felt to in control of my mushroom trips and I wasn't really getting high from pot anymore.I wanted to try LSD. and me and randall were lokkinng for a bit until we met eric who said he can get it no problem. But he didn't have it yet. So in the mean time we tried some other drugs. me and randall tried coke, molly and acid that week. but I went to a party on a Saturday night with Eric and tried Sassifras. I got home the next morning at 10am. my mom knew I was on something. we got into a huge argument that wound up with me leaving the house. She gave me an option live in her house drug freee or get out. I left and stayed with eric for a week. I didn't use that week I don't know why maybe to spite her. but after that week I went back home, and a few weeks later we got into another argument, I was done at that point. I left her house and moved in with eric. he himself is a drug addict and alcoholic. it was only a matter of time before I was to. I didn't know then but I was already an addic I just didn't have an addiction. my work ethic dropped. I stopped caring about work but BWW wouldn't fire me I was still the one of the best employies they have. I was going in tripping, drunk, coked out stoned rolling, whatever. I was still able to do my job no problem. but the bar asked for me to come back and they offered me a raise I left BWW and went there. I got back to the bar and was telling some of my friends and coworkers there some war stories and the drugs ive done. I had no limits. I worked off the books and was the only cook in the kitchen. I was basically doing whatever I want in the kitchen. I was drinking on the job smoking snorting lines, tripping, and was even selling drugs out the back door. I would go to the bartender and say im thirsty and theyd bring me a Jack and coke.i don't think I had been sober since my finger healed. and in the past 2 years that was the only clean time I had.even if it was just pot I could not be clean I hated being on nothing. after Christmas of 2015 I met up with a customer from the bar. he didn't believe me when I told some of the things I had been doing. And didn't believe me about Molly. I stayed at his house a few days, my first night there I tried crack for the first time. I had just woke up after waiting for him t get back with drugs. I woke up saw the drugs on the table asked what it was and didn't understand what it was but I assumed it was crystal meth. I had already done crystal and figured its kinda like molly so why not. I hit it 2x and as I was packing it again they tell me "SLOW DOWN DUDE ITS CRACK" I said f**k it hit it again and went back to sleep for an hr. the next day we went and picked up Molly the pure stuff it was ok but I had tricks to make it last longer and tate better at first they didn't want to listen but they soon realized that even though we all did the same amount I still rolled a little longer. but after that some chick wanted to chill and get molly too. But at that time we could only get the knock off molly. so she came over my friend from the bar almost killed her by giving her to much. it wasn't as good and I warned them it wasn't the same. but they didn't listen. the next day we had no drugs. my coworkers had told me he was a bad influence. he is in his thirties, and im 21. I realized that I was the bad influence on him, that set me off a bit. but I went on. I told him that in those three days I was with him that was the least amount of drugs ive done in a three day period. on Dec 29th my best friend Randall came up to me and called me a drug addict. I was in denial. I truly believed I want an addict. And it was true if you hooked me up to a lie detector and asked me I believed my own lies so well that it would have said I was telling the truth, and that is the same foor all addicts. he tolled me to go a week without drugs I said no problem ive done it berore. in my head the time I didn't use anyhard drugs for a day felt like a week my perception of time was so thrown off. I had thought I was living with eric for almost a year. it was barley 4 months. but on New years I used again and even told Randall. he wasn't happy but I made up an excuse, iwas planning this for a while I didn't want to miss out allot of people do molly on new years. I didn't plan it molly just showed up at the house and I wasn't going to say no to free drugs I never could.But I said that New years ill go the week. first day was fine, second day I was hit with molly depressions and withdrawals from everything I was doing. I contacted my true friends and they talked to me and took me my first NA meeting. I got home and contacted my grandmother and told her that I needed help. the next day I moved back into my moms house. I still worked at the bar, so I was still drinking and smoking pot. but by the time the weekend hit I had intense cravings for molly. instead of looking for help I looked for molly. And of cours I found it. I paid for a half gram but still got a gram. I ate about a quarter of it before I left work. got home and there was half of it left. I hated myself at that point for letting the drugs win but even in my tears I kept eating it.i called Randall and he was pissed but told me to flush it and take a video of me flushing it. at that point I had two voices in my head, one saying f**k it you already started just eat the rest. the other saying eat a little more then flush it whose gonna know. and that's what I did there was only about .2 left of the gram when I flushed it. after that I quit my job at the bar and was going to a meeting evrynight. until the next week where I would be starting my 28 day rehab program. I did that and got out feb 16th and moved into a sober house and that's my story for now.

© 2018 Brenden

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Coyote Poetry

I hope you are doing better. A powerful story. Everyone fall downs and need to be picked up. I did like the ending. Temptations of this world make us dance on dangerous places with poor endings. Thank you for sharing the story.
Coyote