A Mistaken Burial-By:Akeen V.

The air is moist from tears. People's eyes are full of tears. The mood is heart breaking. Misfortune has laid its dark blanket over these people. An unwanted ceremony is taking place. Among the people, only one man remains untouched by this ceremony. Lying down in the middle of the crowd, not even one troubling emotion reaches him. This man, untouched by emotion does not breathe the air of this world anymore. The ceremony that is underway is for him. This sad ceremony is a funeral.

All humans will one day end up in the ground that they walk on. The man in this casket passed away only a day ago. His name is Evan Wilson. During his life he turned to substances to allow happiness into the body. Unfortunately these substances were only imitating happiness, never creating it. The mind can only deal with an imitation for so long. After awhile, the mind will crave real emotions. Once emotions of good cannot be found, then bad emotions shall arise. Even as his spirit became torn, the use of substances continued. Even though a mind lost to substance abuse is sad, a greater doleful event is what happens after the funeral. To understand the future of this man one must know his past.

Evan Wilson is known for the lifestyle he lives. He is known as an extravagant partier. Evan indulged in alcohol constantly. As he awoke each morning, pouring a drink was his most important task. Before and after work, drinking was always a must. Life was one drunken festival to Evan. Day to day tasks seemed more entertaining to him as more alcohol was taken in.

Eventually drinking does not make Evan feel the happiness that it once did. A mistake he made added speed to his ride on the road of demise. He started taking anti depressants with his alcohol. Evan assumed this would help him. He used this combination to insure happiness, but it only brought pain. Now he is drunk and high daily. But not long after he started using this combination, it backfired. Depression was side by side with him daily now. His mind is tormented with dark thoughts. Living became troublesome for Evan. He stopped partying shortly after. His daily tasks are reduced to staying home, drowning in pity.

As sad as it may be, the worst has yet to come. The mix of pills and drinking has had horrible side effects on Even, but yet to stop is not an option. His mind is drowning in sorrow and emptiness. Depression controls his day from sun rise to sun fall. Everyone around Evan notices the changes but refuses to get involved. His mistakes have pushed people away. The mix he thought would bring enjoyment has only brought sadness to his soul. Some people would stop the use of substances that bring pain. But like most addicts, Evan just increases his dosage, hoping more will heal the pain. This is one more mistake that will push forward the date of his funeral. The following events will shed light to the tragedy that is about to pass.

One day three of Evan's friends spoke of him. They see help is needed. They realize the grains of time are about to run out for Evan. The first person is Jonathan. He and Evan used to be close friends before the substances took over. The second person is Cindy, an old fling of Evan's. The third and final person is Bill. Bill is Evan's brother. They speak of plans to help. A decision is made. Their plan is to lure Evan out tonight and take him to hospital, then a treatment program and allow a psychologist to help him outside a hospital. The first step of their plan is underway.

After a search for Evan fails, they run into him. Each of them surrounds him. Their eyes stare down Evan in seriousness. Confusing thoughts come across Evan's mind. He looks at them with lost eyes. Each friend has the facial expression of care and love. The mood is serious but also covered in pain. To see a person that made you feel joy once before who now only makes you feel sadness is such a horrible feeling to deal with.

The conversation between them begins.

"Evan, are you busy tonight?" Said Jonathan, in a very serious voice.

No reply. A look of annoyance came over Evan's face.

"Come on Evan, don't act like this towards us. Honestly I know you're hurting inside, but we all care about you. Can you at least you just talk to us, we wouldn't be here if we did not care." said Cindy, in a sincere voice.

Evan replied, "sadly none of you share the pain my soul feels." His friend's thoughts are overcome with the truth spoken. With a blank facial expression Evan says, "I am not doing anything tonight." His responses were given in a very low voice.

Bill then said, "brother can we take you out tonight? As painful as it may be for you to leave your home, just come out tonight. You're right I cannot possibly know what troubles your mind, but as blood brothers I can try and ease the pain that troubles you so much."

"No I don't feel up for it brother" Evan responded.

Cindy replied, "Don't be like this Evan, we just want you to enjoy yourself tonight. I am truly sorry for the way you are feeling. I care for you beyond friendship. Please come with us it will be better for you. It could even heal the tears you hold back so well." Her eyes were running from the tears of emotions that were buried deep inside the soul of this woman.

In a defeated voice Evan said, "I will come with you all tonight."

Cindy smiled and said, "we will come as soon as we are ready. Evan, make sure you will be ready also."

"Bye Evan," said each of the three."

Evan, feeling pathetic and annoyed, arrives at his home. The first task was to get a drink. Then off to his room to get ready. He took his time in getting dressed for the night. The attitude he has is an uncaring and unwilling one. Shorty after getting dressed he lies down in his chair. Evan, feeling tired and down, grabs his pills. He looks at the Xanex and Oxycontin. "Time to add to my drink ", Evan says. He consumes multiple Xanex and then adds two Oxycontin. He washes the pills down with a glass of whiskey. The pills he consumes are for pain and depression. He believes this will help him deal with the night. It seems as if life's weight is too much to handle. Evan relaxes in his chair. He thinks of how troublesome tonight will be. A thought of how friends are an annoyance crosses his mind. In his heart he wishes to be left alone after tonight. Feeling the emotion of loneliness seems too good to be true to him. Evan says aloud, "life, why must you be such an annoyance?" Tonight I hope is the last night that I must be troubled by others."

Eventually the combination of alcohol and pills set it. Evans heart beats slowly, slowing down beat after beat. He feels a strange and unknown feeling overcome him. Sadly, this unfamiliar feeling is death. A feeling of death creeps slowly through every muscle in his body. Coldness sweeps through his body. His heart now begins its last thumps of life. There will be no fight for life from Evan, for his battle was lost long ago. Each beat sends his mind closer to a state of calmness and realization. It seems that his mind is aware of what is about to come. Thump, thoughts of a field enter his mind. This field he pictures is covered in the greenest of grass. In the middle of this field lie flowers, surrounding a rectangular shaped hole. The sun is covered in the thickest of grey clouds. The sun represents the shine he once had. The clouds cover the sun, since the addiction covers his mind. Evan, brushing through the grass, walks up to the hole. He sees a stone with his name on it. Here lies "Evan Wilson" under his name it says, "A soul who was lost to addiction." Instantly he is overcome by a feeling of remorse. The remorse that he feels is for him. Thump, now only regrets lie in his mind. As does the sea move softly at times, so does his heart right now. The mind has shown what the life he lived has given him. His life amounts to nothing but a hole in the ground and a stone written in truth. Thump, mentally he sheds tears. Physically he is numb. Thump; the last beat from his heart is made. The heart muscle then ceases to thump. Evan's eyes close slowly. A white snow like aura lays its sheet over him. He lays lifeless in a chair.

Knock, knock, knock, the door shakes as his friends arrive. Cindy turns the door knob and walks in. Each friend is welcomed in with tears. They see Evan's lifeless body lying motionless. Jonathan rushes to him. The cloud of pain covers the room. Bill shakes him and screams frantically "wake up my brother, wake up please." "Get up Evan this is not humorists," says Jonathan in a shaky voice. Cindy still by the door cries. As she goes towards the body, she falls to her knees from a broken heart. To see her loved one in death's arms tore her heart in two. Bill looks at everyone and say's, "we must bury him tomorrow to preserve our pure thoughts of him." Everyone nods their heads, words cannot be spoken. After shock wears off Jonathan informs the hospital. They tell him that the proper doctor shall be sent over. A coroner is sent to the home. The Corner tells them, "sorry for your loss; the hospital felt no need to send medical help." Ten minutes pass and the Corner says. "I have presumed he died from an accidental overdose. Unfortunately, I must take the body to a funeral home." Bill replies "that is fine; please arrange the funeral for tomorrow."

The next day starts with a cloudy sky and rainfall. Everyone who cares about Evan has arrived for the funeral. The mood is sadness. The spirits of the people, who have gathered here, are low. The painful feelings that come about from losing a loved one, fills their hearts. It is a sad scene to endure. As the tears flow a heart speeds up. Thump, thump, thump. Evan did not pass into the other world. The pills he took have lost some of their effects. Instead of the heart actually stopping, it just slowed down. This put Evan into a state of unconsciousness. Now he has come to, but he cannot move. The pills are still lingering throughout his body. He can see the people, but cannot move a muscle. Evan's mind picks up on the surroundings, thoughts like why I am at a funeral and whose funeral is this come across his mind. As he looks at what he can see, he notices a sign that reads "Evan Wilson's funeral will begin at 3:00." I'm lying in the middle of my own funeral; that thought brings him to realize his situation. Struggling to move, he thinks of every muscle bursting out of the casket. To his disappointment it does not work. He screams in his mind, but it cannot be heard by anyone else. Mental screams and images of freedom flash back and forth through his mind. Neither flash bring him closer to help. He must lie still, enduring the pain of watching his own funeral. What a travesty that must be. His body feels as if it is being held down by a hundred men. But the true of the fact is that the pills are the only thing holding him down. His efforts for freedom are futile.

As the sun leaves the sky, this funeral comes to a closing. They take the body outside. Evans thinks, what must I do to obtain freedom from my motionless state? Thoughts, images, voices, shake his mind into fear. The voices of the dead will surround him, while he is living, irony in its truest meaning. The people prepare to lower Evan into the ground. "Stop, I must see him one more time, my heart at least deserves that," yells Cindy. Cindy then says, "just tell me you love me; you care one more time Evan," tears follow her every word.

Mentally Evan screams, "I love you Cindy, as much as a man can love a woman. I shall always feel the pain from love that was not allowed to fully blossom. Our love should have been like a rose in spring; instead it withered like grass in the snow." Evan notices this is the first time since he became addicted, he felt loving emotions flow through his veins.

Cindy says aloud, "Evan I'm sorry I could not save you from yourself."

Then Evan is slowly lowered down into the dark ground. "Help me d****t, don't put down here, I'm not dead yet. I am alive; free me from this coffin now. I am not dead." Evan yells in his head these thoughts. Each ear seems to ring, from the loudness of the mental screams. Lower and lower, he is let down. Until, a clunk sound is heard. He has hit the bottom of a grave; a grave dug only for him. The light is filled in from each grain of dirt that is shoveled in. Now darkness surrounds Evan. Pitch dark, neither light nor sound, can reach through his coffin.

As he lies in his grave, unable to move, the dead start calling out to him. The voices of the dead can now be heard through the dirt that separates each grave. He can only hear 4 different voices from his position.

One raspy sounding voice asks him, "Evan, when shall you join us? I mean we have a very comfortable place to decay in. Is this grave not enough for you?"

Another comical sounding voice said "How funny, the living now lives among the dead."

From afar a serious toned voice replies, "Shut up stupid, you know he will be dead soon. The air here becomes very limited once your casket closes."

"Shut up, all of you leave me alone. I will not become one of you today," says Evan, mentally. A fighter's words have just been spoken. Evan's body temperature rises. A tingle runs through his head, arms, legs, and feet. The heart muscle speeds. Pigment returns to his skin. His spirit has become stitched together. Unfortunately movement is an impossible feat. The coffin is too small to even wiggle a toe.

"Ha, ha, ha, give it up jack, there's not a soul in the world that will save you now. If I were you, I wouldn't struggle much," says a rather smooth sounding voice. The smooth voice had a sense of smooth coolness surround his tone, as if he were the coolest of them all when he walked the earth.

Evan replies in a fighter's tone, "I will struggle until the last breath of air leaves my lungs."

The smooth talking voice replies, "look here jack, you're done man, give up, accept death in all of its ugliness or die in a useless fight. Can you understand that jack? Life is a useless thing, so don't try and fight a battle that cannot be won. Just die here, with your pals."

"This is ridiculous; what have I done to myself. I am surrounded by dirt. No one will come to my rescue," Evan says aloud. The darkness creeps into Evan's mind slowly. The air supply runs low. Evans thinks to himself, "my life was wasted; I achieved nothing."

"The old boy has given up," says the comical sounding voice.

Evan yells, "I have not given up, if death is my outcome then I will accept it honorably, instead of dying as an addict stuck in a pitiful existence."

The smart alike voice replies, "Too bad there is nothing honorable about suffocation, ha, ha, ha."

"Leave jack alone, death is already on his way now," says the serious voice.

"What? How can you know that death is coming? Evan asks him.

Each voice replies in sync, "We can see him, his black robe covering his skeleton body, the sickle he carries which is stronger than diamonds which will cut your soul. You will see him soon." Panic feelings shoot through Evan's body. An overpowering wave of sweat pours from his skin. Out of fear his hands shake rapidly. He starts scratching the wood on the coffin. Screams of fear are let out from his mouth minute after minute. Pictures of the grim reaper show a scary face in the images that flash through his mind. A dark robed, tall skeleton, with red eyes and a sickle that screams of dead souls is what he envisions. His fingernails fall off from constant scratching at the coffin. Blood flows from each finger. Evan's breathing speeds up. Each exhale brings death closer. He knows death will come. A question arises, how will he meet death? Instead of meeting death on its term, he thinks of a fate that will put death in his hands. Suffocation is a losing option. To lose to death is not a respectable death to Evan. Instead of losing the fight for his life he takes matters into his own hand. An idea to come out the loser and victor comes into his mind. He inhales and then exhales. Then Evan begins holding his breath. He realizes that he must meet death, but not from suffocating in a coffin. The air is his lung leaves slowly. Each lung shrinks in comparison to the normal size. Thump, Thump, Thump, the sound his heart makes. The heart slowly moves away from its normal pace. His mind seems to find a small piece of tranquility and peace. Suddenly the air from his lungs returns to the atmosphere. Lastly the heart makes its last thump, its sound rings throughout the ground. A cold menacing wind rises from his body. Evan's passes away with the wind. A white glow surrounds his body.

The serious voice says aloud, "guess death met him."

"Nah, not jack, he met death", says the smooth voice.

Reviews

[Molly]

This is a pretty good story; very intriguing. You might want to consider varying your sentence structure in some places where they have a tendency to be structurally repetitive (ie. "The air is moist from tears. People's eyes are full of tears. The mood is heart breaking. Misfortune has laid its dark blanket over these people. An unwanted ceremony is taking place." has a string of sentences that use either "it" or "has" as the verb, which sounds a bit choppy) I always had the same problem and my teacher made me use Microsoft Word to find and highlight everywhere I used the word "is" and see how many of them I could change. Doing that really helped my writing. Also, you might want to look at your tenses. Sometimes you use present and sometimes you use past, which is a bit confusing. Overall, well done, some very nice word usage and an interesting plot!

[Brad]

spoken in prose, almost like a rant.
okay, the edit part of this is just a few punctuation problems which i'm sure spell/grammar check will grab. sometimes my fingers move quicker than my mind.
the story itself is chilling. i felt suffocated when reading this. there is a hair trigger emotion that you are tickling....i'm not sure if it's fear of if it's hopelessness...i like

[sweetylee1994]

Wow. this is intense. You really used good word choice. Very expressive and soo deep it gave me chills!

[YouoweYoupay]

At first, I had thought this story started with a cliche plot and a cliche message to deliver too. Even then, It was interesting to read. The words used to describe Evan's feelings were a bit plain but very expressive. I could feel my chest tightening at the way he gobbled up he pills and all that booze. And the part where heartbeats slowly returning the vitality to his body was totally unexpected. haha I like surprises. and I especially liked the part of his semi-consious dream in that chair. Although having wasted life in being weak and emotionally diconected, I admired the way he met death in that white glow. Very thoughtful write. Thank you for sharing.

-Wella

[Daniel Thomas Andrew Da..]

The story was cool. Very graphic. Supernatural horror ending at its best.

[Andre Chatvick]

Well, that was rather gruesome, and the image of being buried alive is not one I'm at all comfortable with. I find watching Kill Bill II, and the Season 5 finale of CSI, particularly hard to watch because of that. Damn you Quentin Tarentino.

From a technical point of view, you are using present tense where you should be using past tense. In places you are using a poetic writing technique where you should be using a narrative one. You are describing the lead character along the way but the perspective keeps flipping from an interior view to that of an exterior viewer. I suggest you pick one and stick with it.

The dialogue is flat, and the descriptors around it are clumsy. Listen to how people speak, and replicate that. Also, use active language rather than passive language. That will improve the flow.

Finally, keep reading and keep practicing your writing. I suggest you take a look at some of the American greats, such as F. Scott Fitzgerald, Mark Twain, and Jack London for inspiration when it comes to managing description and dialogue.

Best wishes.

[.quan.011.]

Nice one , and the ending is great

[*Evelen*]

That had a twist to the end, I liked it. Very interesting and different. Well done.

[Closedown]

Very interesting, and quite well written. In your dialogue you do tend to overuse the semicolon though.