Everywhere

I finally had my surgery 6 months after the incident and began to feel more like myself, I started looking after myself again and talked to a few friends. My life was still a ball of constant fear though.

Just a small break from the main story to ask, have you ever stopped and counted how many pens you see in an average day? I challenge you to try it, you may find yourself surprised at the volume.

So back to the story, my life was a ball of constant fear because pens are everywhere, no I'm really not exaggerating they are in your home, at school, at work, in the library, on buses, in shops. I had to mentally prepare myself before opening a door, never knowing when I would next see a pen. 

The constant fear gnawed away at the little confidence I had, turning me into a timid mouse. My school report card would read that I was intelligent, hardworking, helpful, but I had no friends and wasn't social enough.

My drama teacher helped by getting me to participate in the school plays, making me have parts with lines, so I would need to practice with other people. I know it's hard to believe but this was the hardest part of my life, nothing came close to the fear and isolation of that time, there were so many nights that I lay in bed thinking about the best way to kill myself, thinking no one would miss me, that maybe the world was better off without me in it. I never even told anyone about it, let me tell you though, that one teacher who made the effort to push me, made all the difference in the world. Just knowing that one person who wasn't a relative (cause they have to love you, or at least that was how my mind worked at the time), someone who had no obligation to go that extra mile to help you did, it made all the difference, it made you matter.

My therapist helped me to create a list of things to do before going out to reduce the risk of seeing a pen, first take a book everywhere.  If you are reading a book you don't notice what is happening around you so you won't notice if someone whips out a pen, it didn't always help but sometimes did.  Next, if you know where you are going (which I did most of the time) ask them to put pens away before arrival where possible.  Finally prior to walking around a shop ask if they sell pens if they do ask where they are and avoid that section of the shop.  I still felt fear each time I left the house, but it does help a little.