The Moment

When the world started feeling useless. 

That’s the moment I lost you. 

When the world started feeling dark.

That was the moment I couldn't feel your comfort.

When the world grew quiet

That was the moment I stopped hearing your voice.

When the world went ablaze

That was the moment I forgot your face.

When the world began to drown

That was the moment I knew I wouldn’t be found.

When the world fell apart 

That was the moment I knew

You and I were through.

Reviews

[JayG]

• When the world started feeling useless. That’s the moment I lost you

You did? Umm, do I...know you?

• When the world started feeling dark. That was the moment I couldn't feel your comfort.

You want to uhh...feel my...comfort? Well, my comfort might like to be felt, but... Do I know you?

My point? What's in it for the reader? This is a letter from someone we know nothing about, to someone not introduced, talking about the result of events unknown. Meaningful to you, of course, but you have both context and intent. The reader has only, "Huh?"

The thing to remember is that nonfiction, the kind of writing we learn in school, is focused on facts. Its methodology is to have the author talk TO the reader, reporting and explaining, as you do here. That can't work for poetry or fiction, though, because its goal is to provide an informational experience.

Poetry, on the other hand, provides an emotional experience for the reader. We make the reader feel, and care, not become better informed on what matters to us. Instead of telling the reader that we cried at a funeral, we work to give the READER reason to weep. And that takes a very different approach: Emotion-based instead of fact-based, and character, not author-centric. It's an approach that wasn't mentioned in our school years because they were training us to the needs of employment, not giving us the techniques of a specific profession, like, Poet.

The solution? Pick up the tricks the pros take for granted. They've been refining the skills of poetry for centuries. So take to heart Wilson Mizner's advice: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research,” and do your research.

Download a copy of Mary Oliver's A Poetry Handbook. The lady is brilliant, and you'll be amazed at what she has to say.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

I know this is pretty far from what you hoped to see, so, here's some good news to cheer you up: Nothing I've said has to do with your talent or poetential. So jump in. Mary can show you how to give your words wings. And, since we'll not even address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/