Edward Meets Dracula

Edward holds an intervention for Count Dracula

The sun fell slowly below the horizon, casting long shadows over the castle of Transylvania. From a tower within, a drawn-out creak could be heard as the last rays of light receded and the lid to Dracula’s coffin swung open. “Ah!” breathed Dracula, cracking his neck. He hobbled clumsily out of the upright coffin and gazed out the window over the evening landscape.  “The sun has set and it is again time to disappear into ze night and suck ze blood of innocent mortals.”

A voice from the shadows interjected, “Uh, yeah. About that…” Edward Cullen stood leaning against the door to the bed chamber.

“ Eghad!” cried Dracula.  “Vat is ze meaning of zis?!”

Edward ran a hand through his perfect, tawny hair and explained, “This is kind of an intervention, dude.”

“Vat do you mean?” Dracula hissed, pulling his cape in front of him with a flourish.

Edward sighed and stated, “You’re pissing off the Voluturi.”

“ Ze vat?”

“The Volturi,” Edward explained. “Our governing body.”

“Foolish mortals!” Dracula bellowed with a menacing laugh. “You see, I am a vampire! And we vampires cannot be ruled by bodies zat govern.”

“ Yeah, not a mortal,” replied Edward.

Dracula’s expression slowly softened, and then became frantic with glee. “You mean to tell me zat you are a vampire, too? Ah! Zat is vonderful. Come,” Dracula approached Edward and began tugging at his arm, trying to steer him towards the open window. “Vee vill disappear into ze night and prey on ze blood of innocents!”

“Yeah, can’t do that,” Edward said with a dismissive shrug. He swatted away Dracula’s wrinkled hand as though he were diseased.

“ Vy not?”

“ I’m a vegetarian.”

There was a long pause as Dracula considered the aloof Edward. Then, he erupted in deep peals of laughter.

“Dude, we’re getting off-point,” Edward interjected, annoyed. “The Volturi need you to calm down with the craziness or they’re gonna come here and kick your a*s.”

“ Ha!” spat Dracula. “ Zese Volturi vill never be able to catch me! For I am a vampire, and I can turn into a bat just like zat,” he snapped his fingers, “and fly away into ze night.”

“ Okay,” began Edward, “first, you can’t turn into a bat. Having a ridiculous cape does not give you the ability to fly.”

“Vell, sure it does!,” boasted Dracula.  “Vatch!” With that, Dracula grabbed the ends of his cape with a dramatic flourish and sped towards the open window. Edward did not try to stop him, but watched with mild annoyance as the old man leapt from the fifth-story window and landed on the hard ground below with a sickening thud.

“Yeah, not impressed,” Edward called down to him, leaning his head out the window.

“But you see,” Dracula shouted back as he slowly picked himself up, “I did not die!”

“Not that special. Come back inside before somebody sees you.”

“Who?” he harrumphed, “Ze villagers? Ha! They come here almost every night and no one ever kills me!”

“That’s because we can’t f***ing die,” Edward retorted. “Not unless another vampire or a werewolf tears us apart and then burns us.”

“Aha!” mused Dracula with a menacing grin, “But zey will never think of zat!”

“Yeah,” sighed Edward, “but the Volturi will.”

Suddenly, Dracula became annoyed with Edwards presence. “You are wasting my time, foolish fledgling!” he shouted up at Edward. “Be gone! I must go and feed on ze blood of innocents before sunrise or I will shrivel up and die with first light!” He hissed, throwing his cape about in a dramatic flourish.

“ Yeah, that’s another thing,” continued Edward. “We figured out that that doesn’t happen either. We can survive the sun.”

“ Vat?”

“Yeah, the Volturi spread that rumor around so we wouldn’t go out in daylight.”

“But..but vy?” Dracula stammered, visibly hurt by this news.

“Because we sparkle.”

“Are you f***ing kidding me?!” Dracula shouted up with disgust. “Do you see these bags under my eyes? Just look at zis!” he motioned towards the wrinkled, dark skin around his eyes. “My skin is so pale even my harem make fun of me! And you’re trying to tell me,” he accused, “I could ‘ave been going out in ze daylight all zis time?” There was another angry hiss.

“No, no,” Edward corrected. “Don’t do that.”

“Vy not?!” He stamped his foot like an overgrown child about to have a tantrum.

“ Because the humans will discover us.”

Dracula sighed.

“Dude,” Edward explained, “I’m only trying to give you a break because you’re like, a legend. But for real, calm it down or the Volturi are going to come here and kill you. You can go outside during the day, but only under heavy cloud cover.”

“ Vat is ze point?” called Dracula, throwing his hands in the air in defeat. “I will never ‘ave a tan.”

“Tanning bed?” suggested Edward.

“Vat is zis you speak of?” he shouted suspiciously, leaning into the conversation.

“ Indoor tanning bed. Dude, have you, like, not stepped outside at all this century?”

“Vell, of course!” exclaimed Dracula, offended. “But only to feed on ze blood of innocents!” He hissed again.

“Stop that.”

“Stop vat?”

“Feeding on the blood of innocents,” Edward elaborated. “You’re drawing way too much attention to yourself.”

“Vat do you mean?” called Dracula with a mischievous chuckle, wrapping his cape in front of himself and concealing the lower half of his face. “I am sneaky. I am a voice carried on the vind! I am ze cool breath of death lurking in the shadows! I-“

“They wrote a whole g**d*** book about you!” Edward exclaimed.

Dracula paused. “Really?”

“There were like 80 different movies!” Edward shouted angrily.

Dracula paused for a long moment, absorbing this new information. “Vow.” He finally said. “Sveet.” With that, he hissed once more, and ran off into the night.

 

Author's Note

Fleshed out version. Viola!

Reviews

[A.E. Reed]

Lol, loved it! But, I think it vould have been cool to if you did Dracula giving Edward and intervention. Vat you did with this idea though vaz vonderful. (Dracula talk!)
XD

[Truman S. Booth]

This is a very funny story. You do a great job bringing the existing characters together.

Two grammatical corrections that are somewhat distracting:
1. The first time Edward mentions the Volturi, it's spelled wrong. Easy fix!
2. You might have done this on purpose, but Dracula's final line--"Sweet"--doesn't coincide with the rest of his dialog, seeing as he doesn't pronounce Ws. Shouldn't it be "Sveet"? Just a suggestion.

But still, very funny! Made me laugh.

[Hush Hush]

can't stop laughing I think i'm in love with your dracula, he's just sooo cute, and his accent... omg I just want to hug him to death :D

[nono]

Omg!!!!! I love it it's hilarours! This is so funny keep up the good work!!!!

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

Hilarious! Keep it up!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good conversation. Would have to be a Dracula who didn't keep up with the times. I like the complete conversation. The ending was very good. A fun poem to read.
Coyote