Harry Meets Edward

Harry Potter meets Edward Cullen

“Curses!” cried Harry, banging a fist against the steel wall. “It seems that we are trapped! Come, we must find a way to escape so we can continue hunting for the remaining Horcrux and defeat Voldemort!”

From a seated position against the far wall, Edward responded, “Okay, will you calm down for a second. Your determination is giving me a headache.”

Harry persisted, “But this is serious �" what did you say your name was?”

“Edward.”

“Edward. If we don’t find the last Horcrux and destroy it, Voldemort will go on killing forever!”

“Yeah,” Edward shrugged, lolling his head lazily against the wall. “But doesn’t he stay, like, in Europe for the most part?”

“G**d*** Americans!” Harry screamed with angst. “Do you care about nothing outside of your own borders?! This is exactly what happened in World War II, you know.”

Edward shrugged.

Fuming, Harry paced the room for the twelfth time, running an anxious hand through his tawny, ruffled hair. After a long moment, he admitted with defeat, “Well, we’re obviously not getting out of here anytime soon. We’ll wait for my friends to come save me.” With that, Harry slumped to the floor next to Edward. “You got a girlfriend?” Harry asked.

Nodding, Edward reached into his back jeans pocket and withdrew his wallet. He leafed through various photos and receipts until he found one in particular. Passing it to Harry with a boastful, sheepish smile, he asked, “Yeah, pretty hot, huh?”

“Dude!” Harry interjected with a laugh. “I totally saw her snogging this hot shirtless werewolf!”

Edward snatched back the photo and shoved it forcefully back into his wallet. “G**d*** werewolves,” he muttered to himself.

“Hey!” Harry protested hotly, “That’s racist! One of my old professors is a werewolf, and he’s a right decent fellow!”

“F*** werewolves.”

Harry scoffed.

“So what’s this Voldemort guy’s deal, anyway?” Edward asked rather absently.

“He wants to purge the world of Muggles,” Harry explained with disgust.

“What?” Edward spat, confused.

“Muggles. Non-magical folk.” Harry rolled his eyes.

“Wait,” Edward interjected. “Would I be a Muggle?” He gestured towards himself as he spoke.

“Well,” Harry paused, furrowing his brow quizzically. “I don’t know. I suppose that since you’re not a wizard…I mean, do you have any magical abilities? Like, not counting that gay sparkling thing you do…” His voice trailed off.

“I can read your mind,” Edward stated flatly.

“Bulls**t!” Harry retorted dismissively. “What am I thinking of right now?”

“Sex.”

“D****t!” Harry swore quietly.

“Who is that chick?” Edward asked with a chuckle.

“Her name is Ginny,” Harry informed. “She’s my girlfriend. Or…she was.”

“Sucks. She’s hot.”

“Yeah,” Harry admitted with a sigh. “I know. But I had to leave her to continue my battle against Voldemort,” he explained with a forceful air of purpose and determination.

“Wow.” Edward stated flatly. “That’s stupid.”

Harry looked offended, his cheeks growing red.

“I get it, though,” Edward sighed nostalgically. “I left my girlfriend once because I was too dangerous for her.”

“Yeah,” Harry sighed hopefully. “And now you’re back together, right?”

“Yeah,” Edward confirmed with a pointed nod. “But word of advice?” He looked directly at Harry with a stern, serious expression. “Stop being a p***y and get her back before she starts f***ing werewolves.”

Harry nodded hesitantly, and Edward slumped his head back against the wall. The two sat in silence for a long, awkward moment.

“Hey?” Edward asked in an unsettled manner. “What gives?”

Harry was vigorously rubbing his forehead, wincing in exaggerated pain. “My scar,” he whined. “It hurts. Voldemort must be close.”

Edward’s eyes flashed red.

“Oh, no!” Harry shouted, leaping to his feet. “Edward! I think Voldemort has possessed you!” He drew his wand, pointing it at him as Edward lumbered to his feet.

“Stupid boy!” Edward hissed eerily, closing slowly in on Harry. “The final Horcrux has been here under your nose this whole time! Who would suspect a gorgeous, hulky vampire who only eats bunnies and gerbils to possess a piece of the soul of the Dark Lord?!” A chilling, high-pitched laugh escaped Edward’s mouth. “And now,” the voice of Voldemort continued, “I’m going to kill you with my razor sharp vampire fangs. And you will never be able to kill me, because vampires are immo-“

“Avada Kadavra!” Harry screamed.

Edward fell limp to the ground.

“I…I did it,” Harry whispered in disbelief, slowly lowering his wand. “I…I killed Voldemort.”

A muffled groan escaped Edward’s corpse. “Whoa,” it said, as Edward began to lift himself up, “What happ-“

“Avada Kadavra!!!” Harry screamed. There was a second flash of green and Edward, once more, went limp.

Just then, the door behind Harry burst open. “Harry!” Hermione screeched as she rushed into the room, Ron following sluggishly in her wake. She glanced from Harry to Edward with a look of wild concern. “What happened?” she demanded.

“He,” Harry panted. “He was a Horcrux. I…I killed him. I defeated Voldemort.”

“Oh, Harry!” Hermione whispered shrilly. “Avada Kadavra only kills the piece of the soul within the Horcrux. He should have been fine after that.”

“Oh,” stated Harry flatly. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure he was a racist.”

“F***ing Americans,” Ron called from the doorway.

Author's Note

This is a response to a writing prompt. In it, I describe a situation in which Harry Potter and Edward Cullen are trapped in a room together. Note: I am not a racist; Note: please, Twitards, do not bug me with bulls*** about killing off Edward. He needed to die.

Reviews

[Nothing Personal]

Well first off. Well written really. I am no fan of Twilight or the sulky Edward & Co but i certainly love Rowling's rowlings. Well poised, relevant content from Harry's & Edwards life punched into the conversation, dark humor and the occasional racial jokes ( I'm no racist either) made it a treat for me. I love the more human side of Harry that you portrayed here as opposed to the more ideal character of Rowling. Love Harry's justification after killing Edward twice. The Real Harry would never use Avada Kedavra though. One typo: Its Avada Kedavra and nor Kadavra. Well written. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

[Daydreamer54]

wow, it was a bit funny! the part where harry called jacob hot made me think he was gay though. :P i agree, edward needed to die! Wats attractive about him anyway? he looks like he's on crack!

[Kelsie Eileen Stark]

This was amazing! I loved every bit of it!

[The-Vampire-Chick]

Oh my god! This is so funny! :) Love the style of writing, a few flaws here and there but nothing majorly wrong. I loved it either way.
I've always wondered what would happen if Harry and Edward met up! :)

[Cafe Reader]

Fantastic and fun!

[Hush Hush]

hhahaha that was bloody brilliant! loved the last part :D

[Truman S. Booth]

Brilliant! I loved it; very amusing, and I loved that you exaggerated the characters' personalities as they truly are in the books.

And yes, congratulations on killing Edward, and making it funny! Fifty points for Gryffindor.

As a side note, I know a British family whose two teenage boys are named Harry and Edward. I tease them often. :)

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

Too funny! You should do more!

[gaurav roy]

My god! This is a legendary piece of writing. I of late have developed disgust from Harry Potter because of the over-hype it receives; on the other hand it always seemed that Edward had feminine characteristics. Thus this piece quenches both of my hatred towards the both of the most OVER-HYPED literary characters ever. The piece as a whole was very innovative and fun to read. It brings a smile to your face, the moment you see the title itself. Keep it up!

[Chassitie Linnaea Nicol..]

Hhaha, I found this hilarious though I am american I laughed at the "F*****G AMERICAN'S" part that was hilarious.

[Erin]

Hahahahhaha this was like the best piece ever. That gay sparkling thing you do.....that's brilliant.
I like how satirichal it was, really. I think that you could have maintained The Balance more, but I'm fine with it.
PBP