Chapter 11

   When she got home that day she was just about to show her mom the award she had gotten and the first
thing her mom said was, “Why are you showing me that? Can't you see I am washing the dishes? You know how mad
your father gets if he comes home and the dishes aren't done? I don't know why you get so excited about those
types of things anyway? We already know you are smart? You don't have to shove it in our faces by showing off that
award. If you are not going to actually help with the dishes you are just in my way.  
 At that exact moment her mom said that her father walked in the door from work. Rebecca could already
see the look on his face and she could already tell he had been drinking after work. It was usually on those days in
particular he would find something or some reason to attack or to abuse his mom or Rebecca in particular.  
 

    Before she could even move out of the way her father was storming into the kitchen and in her mom's
face and shouting at the top of his lungs,” Why don't you have these dishes done yet? You're only job is to make
sure that the dishes are done before I get home? Is that even too hard for you to get through your head? What do
you call this mess? How do you expect me to want to do anything if you can't even keep the damn kitchen clean? I
should have never married you when you asked me to. I should have known better then. Especially if I knew I
would be stuck with a worthless woman that can't even keep the kitchen clean when I ask her to.” 

    He then took one of the dishes from the sink that was still dirty and smashed it on the floor. As it
exploded and shattered on the floor he said,” Now see what you made me do? If you want to keep a dirty kitchen I
will give you one. Clean it up like the disgusting pig you are.  
 Rebecca was still in awe and shock at what was happening before her eyes. Instead of this being her day
to celebrate her academic achievement and to validate everything she had to deal with to get to where she was, it
turned into a nightmare that never seemed to end.  

  What amazed Rebecca even more was that instead of fighting back and telling her father to clean it up himself her
mom began to clean it up herself and actually apologize to him for not making sure to keep the kitchen cleaner.
Rebecca was just standing there in complete shock. She didn't even know how to begin to process the scene that
was happening before her eyes. 
 If that wasn't enough when he dad saw her standing there with her award in her hand before she could
move or say anything to defend herself he turned his anger on her in an instant and said,” And you. You think you
are so smart? Do you really feel like that means anything? All those books and learning don't mean anything in the
real world. Do you think getting those A's will get you anybody? You will just stay alone with all of your so call
smarts and nothing to show for it. I never saw any straight A student that could figure out nothing.  You are full of
book smarts and nothing else. You can't possibly know what it means to work and to struggle and to have to earn
your keep and your pay. Just you wait. Once you get into the real world and get a real job you will see just how
good those books smarts of yours will actually do. I don't even know if you are mine to begin with. I have always
wondered about that. You have never fit in here. You have always been different and if it weren't for the fact that
your failure of a mother convincing me you were mine I would have given you up a long time ago.” 

    It was at that moment something broke in Rebecca. Before she could control herself she found herself
sobbing and crying uncontrollably while she was running up to the her room. She felt like her whole body was
breaking at the same time. Her heart felt like a vice and was in excruciating pain while her entire body began to
feel hot and burned with an intensity and heat that she had never felt before.
All the while her heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute and her stomach was so tight and clenched so could
hardly breathe. What she didn't know at that time was that she was having her first panic attack but unfortunately
it wouldn't be the last.  

   All she knew at that moment she was seriously debating what it would be like if her father were dead and
how much easily life would be if he would just die or leave and go missing. She was beginning to think that maybe
he was right. She had never felt like she never fit into her family but then again she never really felt like she fit in
with anyone.  
 She wondered if it might have been better if she hadn't been born at all. During her deepest darkest days
of her childhood she would often imagine what her parents would think or say if she left them a suicide note or if
she packed up and left or would they really care.  

 

    It was also around that time that she began to decide that she never wanted to repeat the same cycle as
her mother and her father as well. She realized that she was very different from her family and from everyone
else. She wanted to use her empathy and her caring for people who were being taken advantage of to create some
positive change in the world. She began looking up statistics online of rape and abuse, as well as percentages of
poverty rate as it occurs in different races, and she began to truly understand just how great the divide was in the
country.  

    What shocked her even more wasn't only the percentage of women that had been raped in the U.S alone
for that year but of the amount of spousal abuse cases that had been filed even within the last 5-10 years. She
could see that the percentage was drastically increasing over time and more often than not the cases were never
reported at all. Once this horrible truth really sunk it was like she felt this burning desire and purpose she had
never felt before. For the first time in her life she felt like she was actually born for a purpose and a reason.  
She knew in that instant that she was brought into this world to help the people that were being abused
and mistreated and neglected and be their voice when no one else would listen. Rebecca had given up all hope of
feeling any type of worth and purpose in life and she had truly gotten to the point during her deepest darkest
moments of depression and despair if her life was just one cruel joke and if she were truly meant to suffer in vain
for the rest of her life.  

    She even believed that she might have done something in a past life that was horrible to deserve such
treatment and abuse and torment and despair but most of all she was angry at her mom for allowing her father to
reign and control their lives with constant terror and abuse. She never wanted anyone to have to go through such
torment and grief. Even if she couldn't save everyone who had been negatively affected by abuse she still wanted
to help as many people as she could.  
 

   It was shortly after she had made that decision that she decided that she would never allow a man to
completely dominate her and to never allow her own self to fall into an abusive relationship. She desperately
wanted to break the cycle of abuse and even of racial ignorance and bigotry in her family by helping as many
people as she could that were disadvantaged in society as a whole What she didn't realize at that point was that
she would end up repeating the same mistakes of her past and returning to the same abusive relationship she
swore never to find herself in again.