Chapter 9

     Richard felt like a piece of his soul died when his father returned. It was like his well laid pack of cards
and defenses he had built over the years to deal with the trauma and the abuse came crashing down in one swoop.
He had no idea how to cope with the emotions and the feelings that were flooding his mind and heart. He was so
gripped with pain and confusion and anger it felt like a vice like grip on his heart that just wouldn't let go.  
 He wanted to run away and to run away from the pain but he just didn't really know how. The more he
tried to self-medicate with beer and alcohol the worst his depression fell. There was a part of himself that knew
he was breaking. 
 

     There had always been a part of him that felt he had been tricked into marrying Lizzy and that he never
wanted a family to begin with. Richard found himself resenting Lizzy and even Rebecca for trapping him and
keeping him from being able to follow his own dreams and wishes. He found himself seriously debating what it
would be like if Lizzy were dead and would he be able to start his life over if she died.  
 He even went as far as starting to imagine different inventive ways to kill her and to make it look like an
accident so no one would know. There was even a point when he was seriously considering hiring someone to see if
they could pretend to rob the house and kill Lizzy and Rebecca in the process so he could go off free and not have
to worry about the finger being pointed at him 

     The main thing that annoyed Richard more than anything else was that it seemed like she was always tip
toeing around him as if she was on broken glass all the time. He would have rather her actually just come out and
say something rather than feeling like she was stepping on frozen ice and afraid to say anything or do anything
that might upset him every time she was near him or saw him drink or could tell he was falling deeper into thought
of despair and depression. 

    Lizzy had always wanted to say something. She would always blame herself later on for not saying
anything in the beginning when she first saw him start to go downhill. One night in particular she came downstairs
and saw that he had opened a flask of vodka and was in the process of finishing it off after they had settled in for
the night. She could obviously see that he was already drunk to begin with. Not really knowing what else to say she
went to him and knelt beside him; picking up the flask he had dropped and asking him to come to bed. It was at
that moment he snapped.  
 

   With a wild and angry look in his face he said, " Woman I don't need your pity and I don't need you to pick
up my flask. Just go back to bed and mind your own business. I never wanted to marry you anyway, and now you
are always stalking around like a mouse with that damned kid. I should have known better but you were the one
that wanted a family and now you have one. Aren't you so happy now? Aren't we a happy family? Are we the family
you wanted? What about me? I never wanted this and I never wanted you or that kid. Just go away and leave me
alone." 
 

    At that moment he began to break down in tears and sobbing uncontrollably. Lizzy took him in her arms
and started rocking him and said, "I am so sorry. I should have said something earlier when I first saw you were
hurting yourself. Don't worry. I will take care of you. I promise. I can make it better for you and for us. You will
see" What they both didn't realize was that Rebecca had heard the whole conversation.  
 She already had felt something change in her dad for a long time coming. She was just young enough to
remember her grandfather visiting but still not old enough to truly understand her father's relationship and past
history with his father. All she knew was that her father was ultimately changing for the worst right before her
eyes.  

    Rebecca began to blame herself and internalize a lot of the negative changes that she saw happening in
her father and seriously began to wonder if life would have been better for her mother and father if she had never
been born. It didn't help that she was feeling more and more disconnected from her mother as her mother was
trying her hardest to keep her husband from losing control completely.  
 Even though things were deteriorating in her family all around her, she never had reason to fear that her
father would actually hurt her or her mother. She had no idea of the abuse her father had suffered at the hands of
her grandfather and at that point she had no real conscious idea of what abuse could really look like.