Dad

Dad

Your first acts as I was entering into  this world
were to show up late for my own birth
and forget to take the lens cap off of the
video recorder while you said that I looked like E. T.
It didn't really get much better from there.
As a boy I wanted you to love me.
As a man I have come to accept that 
you are who you are.
One of my more intense moments
Wth my dad when I was younger was  
when he was cutting my hair and cut off a peice of my ear. 
When I started to scream and tried to get away he hit me.
He hit me with the very same scissors 
He had just finished using to cut me
I still have the notch in my ear.
One of the more intense moments
When I was older was forgiving you enough to come
And to see you during my spring break when my sister 
Told me you were sick. 
It had been 4 years since we had seen or heard from him
I was still working through a lot of my feelings about him
I had gotten to a point where I would just say
He is my dad and I love him
But I never really dealt with the actual feelings that I felt
I just simply pushed them under and didn't allow myself to feel
Feel the anger at what you did to me and my mom and my sister
The anger and frustration that you had so many chances
Chances to step up and actually show us that you could be a 
Good man and do the right thing by us
Only to fail everytime
My defence was to repress
I never wanted to allow myself to 
Show the anger and the frustration that was building up
I didn't want to be like you
And I have always been very sensitive and empathetic
I would rather let people beat up on me
Pick on me
Because I was afraid of what I might do if I  stood up for myself 
Let that anger release
What happened if I wouldn't be able to stop it
And I did something that Iregretted
You never really liked that about me either
I was sensitive, overweight, and loved to read
I would much rather read a good book than go and play sports
You never really understood me that way
Looking back at that little boy that I was then
More than anything else
Even after everything you did to us
I just wanted you to love and accept me
Looking back at that little boy
I have realized as a man that it is ok to be sensitive
It is ok to cry for others and to have that empathy 
And to truly be able to feel what others are going through
And truly wanting to help
There is nothing wrong with anger
Sometimes there are things in this world 
That we should be angry about
But it's using that anger and righteous indignation
To fuel you to create change
It's only when you hold it in that bitterness can manifest
As a man, I have also learned that everything I have gone through
Has led me to the point I am now
With the hindsight I have now
I can forgive you
And let go of everything
Because I realize now as a man
That you shaped who I am just as much as anything else
And even though I might be dissapointed by your actions
I realize that it is just who you are
And I just have to accept that. 
So as a man I look at the what is going on today in the present
And I see that there are so many people lost
So many people who are hurting like me
I want to help these people
Help them to grow
So they can get past the pain and frustration and guilt
To help the youth of today 
So they don't have to make the same mistakes I made
So that they can grow up to be better men
And they can grow up to be better women
As a man I see my future
I see my path
And I know 
You probably don't have
That much longer to go
But I do know that I want to be an agent of change
A person who makes their mark
A person who is willing to step up for those 
Who can not step up for themselves
I see my future very clearly
I know what I must do
As a man I must fight
To help other get to the light

Reviews

[Night]

...we are of the same metal my friend, I, like you, had some issues with my father, he had dis-owned me when I was a young man for going to prison. He told my mother that I had given up on life and that I was not his son anymore. We never got the chance to reconcile as he died some years later. I have always had this loving light within me...and so it is with you...there is divine purpose here. Continue in your goodness and let that light shine for it is this light that people see in the darkness of this world. This was a beautiful write from the heart...it doesn't get any better than this....God be with you my friend...Night.

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you and many blessings to you as well.

[Night]

Thank you.

[william keepers]

I love your message here Ahmad. Acceptance of others, especially those closest and most dissapointing makes the acceptor an agent of change. An excellent example you have set here Ahmad, thank you!

[Ahmad Cox]

That truly means a lot. Thank you.

[Frieda P]

Sorry Ahmed, I tried to read this but it's impossible. Just wanted you to know I was here.

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you. I wasn't sure how people would respond to this one but there was someone else who had written about her own experiences with her dad so I wanted to share mine.

[Frieda P]

Kudos to you for writing this Ahmad, it's about my head space, not your poetry. I'm glad you were able to purge it.

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you. I really needed to do it for myself so again it means a lot that is has been received so well.

[Bound In Red]

...Speechless... This has to be the most beautiful and touching thing I have ever read. I have no other words for this. Bravo!

[Ahmad Cox]

Thanks for the support. It means a lot.

[Bound In Red]

You're very welcome.

[Felicity's Eve]

I'm still having trouble for the way that he is torturing me and my family. But I am trying very hard.

I can really sympathize with you and I'm sorry :(

[Felicity's Eve]

I meant to say, "I'm having trouble with being forgiving for the way..."

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you. Which is why I can really sympathize with you as well. Especially considering how amazing of a person you turned out considering what you have had to be put through. But in its own way I think even though my Dad was emotionally and even physically abusive in a lot of ways I think he helped shape me and make me that much more sensitive and empathetic to people who have been abused or mistreated in any way instead of repeating the cycle like a lot of my family from both sides have done.

[Felicity's Eve]

I see. You owe him something then :)