Dad

Dad

Your first acts as I was entering into  this world
were to show up late for my own birth
and forget to take the lens cap off of the
video recorder while you said that I looked like E. T.
It didn't really get much better from there.
As a boy I wanted you to love me.
As a man I have come to accept that 
you are who you are.
One of my more intense moments
Wth my dad when I was younger was  
when he was cutting my hair and cut off a peice of my ear. 
When I started to scream and tried to get away he hit me.
He hit me with the very same scissors 
He had just finished using to cut me
I still have the notch in my ear.
One of the more intense moments
When I was older was forgiving you enough to come
And to see you during my spring break when my sister 
Told me you were sick. 
It had been 4 years since we had seen or heard from him
I was still working through a lot of my feelings about him
I had gotten to a point where I would just say
He is my dad and I love him
But I never really dealt with the actual feelings that I felt
I just simply pushed them under and didn't allow myself to feel
Feel the anger at what you did to me and my mom and my sister
The anger and frustration that you had so many chances
Chances to step up and actually show us that you could be a 
Good man and do the right thing by us
Only to fail everytime
My defence was to repress
I never wanted to allow myself to 
Show the anger and the frustration that was building up
I didn't want to be like you
And I have always been very sensitive and empathetic
I would rather let people beat up on me
Pick on me
Because I was afraid of what I might do if I  stood up for myself 
Let that anger release
What happened if I wouldn't be able to stop it
And I did something that Iregretted
You never really liked that about me either
I was sensitive, overweight, and loved to read
I would much rather read a good book than go and play sports
You never really understood me that way
Looking back at that little boy that I was then
More than anything else
Even after everything you did to us
I just wanted you to love and accept me
Looking back at that little boy
I have realized as a man that it is ok to be sensitive
It is ok to cry for others and to have that empathy 
And to truly be able to feel what others are going through
And truly wanting to help
There is nothing wrong with anger
Sometimes there are things in this world 
That we should be angry about
But it's using that anger and righteous indignation
To fuel you to create change
It's only when you hold it in that bitterness can manifest
As a man, I have also learned that everything I have gone through
Has led me to the point I am now
With the hindsight I have now
I can forgive you
And let go of everything
Because I realize now as a man
That you shaped who I am just as much as anything else
And even though I might be dissapointed by your actions
I realize that it is just who you are
And I just have to accept that. 
So as a man I look at the what is going on today in the present
And I see that there are so many people lost
So many people who are hurting like me
I want to help these people
Help them to grow
So they can get past the pain and frustration and guilt
To help the youth of today 
So they don't have to make the same mistakes I made
So that they can grow up to be better men
And they can grow up to be better women
As a man I see my future
I see my path
And I know 
You probably don't have
That much longer to go
But I do know that I want to be an agent of change
A person who makes their mark
A person who is willing to step up for those 
Who can not step up for themselves
I see my future very clearly
I know what I must do
As a man I must fight
To help other get to the light

Reviews

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

I see some have already pointed out these corrections but anyways. Very nice touching and emotional memory filled write you have here. Thank you for writing it.
Corrections:
With my dad
"Wth my dd when I was younger was"
I regretted
"And I did something that Iregretted"

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you for pointing it out. I have edited now.

[scripted]

i am actually writing a piece right now called dear dad... because my dad has never been there for me and more than im willing to admit, it hurts me. i awake to wonder why hes not in my presence, i question myself... but than i realize that im his child, and it isent at all my responsibility to keep in contact with him... i cry, i scream, i lay in hurt but i have to understand that i will never have a Dad to call my own, thank you for sharing yours truely Danielle

[Ahmad Cox]

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with a similar hurt in your heart but I hope that you are able to get to a good place with yourself.

[luviva]

wow,
i really got to see the other side you Ahmad.
and its ok to be angry, to cry and show your anger..
cause bottling it up is not the best way to go!!
i real loved this poem.. its been long, but as i went through it, the more and more i got drawn to it.
it is so sad that some parents have to treat their kids like that but some of them its just how they were brought up.. u knw, brought up the hard way and not having the fealing of what it really feals to be loved.
some do it in the name of protecting you, yet they are denying you the chance to live and make your own mistakes and learn from them. just like my DAD.
i really love the aspiration you got to be the Agent of change and all...
nice work my friend and continue insipiring!!

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you. I can say the same about you.

[luviva]

you are welcome

[Barbara Walker]

I love this!

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you

[Amandaaa Caroline (:]

"Wth my dd when I was younger was"
Hahaha, you forgot the vowels in those two words (:

Anyways, this was a very deep and emotional piece, it seems like you wrote this so that you could express yourself and get your feelings out, for some sort of closure. Great poem Ahmad.

[Ahmad Cox]

I really appreciate it.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

at least you can rest your head on your pillow at night and know that you forgave an still loved him, despite how he was.

that is about all you can do when a relative is like that.

we keep trying to get their love...for years..we try to get their approval no matter how many others give us just that...we still need it from the parents.

i have gone through something similar...trying to gain that respect...it ain't easy..

very expressive piece here that i am glad you wrote...this is a purging of sorts.

jacob

[Ahmad Cox]

I am glad it could be that for you. :)

[Sheila Kline]

You have shown how much courage you have, how much empathy you have, how much love, and understanding, and forgiveness dwells in your kind spirit and for this I admire you so very much!! To be able to forgive your father and move on with your life and to grow as you have is nothing short of a miracle to me!! Be pleased my friend that you have so much love in your heart!! I hope you are able to fulfill your dreams and continue to help others!! And it all started with forgiving, and accepting those who have wronged you for who they are!!
An excellent write filled with raw truth!! This is going in my favorites!
I admire you!!

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you so much. That means more to me than you know. I spent so many years of my life being afraid I would turn out like him that I lost me in the process and forgot that it was ok to be me and be loving and kind to people even if other people might see it as a weakness or might not understand. So I am glad that I have been able to positively effect the people around me and that my heart has been able to shine through.

[Tasha]

Wow. Who you are as a person shines through.

[Ahmad Cox]

I am glad you can feel and relate to it.

[Tasha]

I am too. Its like we connect on a different level.

[Clockwork]

You show a lot of maturity in this poem, especially in the final five or six lines. You show how those frustrating and painful times motivated you to help and protect the inocent. You show that painful times can build lessons and lead to change instead of bitterness and self-pity. There is a lot of wisdom in those lessons, and I was glad to read them.

[Ahmad Cox]

Thank you. I am really glad people seem to be liking it. I was almost afraid to post it not knowing how people would take it.

[Clockwork]

You're welcome :-) I know that can be scary, but I'm ad you did.

[Gray Witch]

Finally - this is what you are .... I have read everything you have written, many I have commented on as well, but none IMHO reached to your core... your raison d'être. This one does and you should be very proud.

[Ahmad Cox]

That makes me very happy to hear.