Carbon

Describing the poor conditions of the miners

Carbon

 

A little water I add to rice 

And mix it till it's white and nice 

Eating till I could barely bite 

The dirty taste of the watery rice 

 

Crawling through the dusty flakes 

With headlights to show the way 

Hands are blistered, knees are scraped 

For the little wages we earn a day 

Leaving men behind sometimes 

 

Suffocation, some often die 

Snakes are hiding and often kill 

And the bats are the ones who often win 

 

Diamonds on the wall we scrape 

Dragging the back all the way 

Backs are broken but we can't say 

Because we badly need the pay 

 

Working in mines we barely speak 

The day, I have never seen 

Stars appear only in dreams 

 

There’s no hope, only faith 

Faith that god will save the day

                                - Ahena MK

Reviews

[Hatter57]

Ahena,

I got your read request. I'll start this by saying that asking me to review a poem is a little like asking a fish to evaluate a bike - it's just not something that comes naturally. So take this with a grain of salt.

First, given your location, I would like to know if English is your native language, or how fluent you consider yourself to be if it isn't. For example, in the second line of the third stanza, you begin with Suffercation, which isn't properly a word. I'm leaning towards suffocation, but then again, this is poetry. Perhaps you're deliberately misspelling the word or creating a new one on the spot for dramatic effect. (Not too badly done, in my opinion, if the latter.) But then again, there is the use of "speek" in line 17 in place of "speak", and it's a lot harder to see that one as an attempt at dramatic effect.

I do get the sense of despair you're trying to evoke with this poem, but it's coming through weakly. I think you need to go for bolder images, something that has the potential to shock your reader with its intensity. And I would recommend trying to establish the setting in the diamond mine much earlier in the poem. Intially, I envisioned a poor hut in China as the setting, based on the use of rice as the lead-off image, and only revised it after further reading. Maybe that's more my hang-up than anyone else's, though. And lastly, I don't think a rhyming scheme really works withthis piece. It locks you into trite phrasing that's at odds with the seriousness of your subject matter. You appear to have abandoned it's use about halfway through the poem anyway.

Sorry if this all sounds rather critical. I don't say any of this to discourage you. I know that I prefer one valid, critical observation of my own writing more than half a dozen that just say "great work", because that points the way towards improving it. Please go back and take another attempt at this poem if you agree with anything I've suggested, and let me know when you do. I'll be looking forward to seeing it.

[Ahena MK]

thanks hatter for sharing with me your views and for carefully reading my poem... all the spelling mistakes are delibrate but i think ill change it because it may be better then... thanks again for the wonderful suggestions... would like to know what you have to say about my other poems and stories too...
ahena

[mahima]

Yes, the miner's condition is really bad.
Good poem!!!

[Coyote Poetry]

Some places in our world use and abuse the poor still. The poem described a sad situation. Sometime hard to rise when there is no places to go. The description create sad vision and I did like the hope at the end. Sometimes all we have is faith. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Ahena MK]

thanks for reading....
ahena

[SANDEEP SHETTY]

this one is good actually...but i didnt get all of it..may be there are some deep thoughts associated with it...!!!it would be nice if you attach your intention in a small note in the review....!!!

[Ahena MK]

Thanks for the suggestion.... I'll add the description
Ahena

[Chandradhish Ghosh]

Hi, I like your subject a lot...but I guess you need to read a lot more to get a proper grasp of the language...not that I am great myself...but after reading three of your poems...I liked this one the most. Keep reading and keep writing. If you want my suggestion, don't think of rhyming, don't think of anything, just write whatever comes to your mind. If you really want to, you can change things after that...keep up the work!

[Ahena MK]

Thanks for the review

[Odysseus Wanders]

A good read. I was snagged by a few misspelled words, but heck, I've been guilty of that myself. Buts that's why I'm here... to get some help with my writing. I love your images, and I think that you make a wonderful attempt to capture the miners drudgery. I think you poem reaches further than miners... for me, it evoked images of the field worker as well, or any, who are forced into hardened conditions for small pay and little reward. Keep going. Keep crafting.

[Ahena MK]

thanks for reading

[Sami Khalil]

A splendid read and write...Thank you for penning...:).....................

[Ahena MK]

thank you..

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)......................