Self contemptA Poem by Agonizing Clarity
After managing to swallow
a few bites of Marconi and cheese the warm, gooey mass sliding down the hollow of my throat I inwardly cringe, the critic in my mind screaming. 422 calories, 22 grams of fat! I look towards Hannah, the staff chosen to overlook my progress and I ask to wash my hands. Not waiting for a reply I hurriedly rush to the bathroom with the speed that only and anxious girl with a disorder can muster. I carefully comb back my hair, and tuck my chain in my shirt I have done this before. But then, I realize, Hannah could be waiting for me, or even outside, and for half a second I decide whether to just wash my hands and leave or to give penance for the sin I had commited when my body lurches. I have trained this body of mine so well, it already knows what to do. Oh well. I guarantee she won't hear a thing. Realizing it's been thirty seconds I stuff my fingers down my throat pulling the strings of this puppet, this instrument and it all flows smoothly out, no coughing or ragged breathing just the sound of water gushing. I realize, in my frenzy, I forgot to pull up my sleeves. I also realize, I look like s**t. I pull the hoodie back over my graying hair and wipe my face before sliding out the bathroom and making a hurried escape outside. What I didn't realize was that Hannah had been listening. When she tells me this, I feel so many emotions it's hard to determine which is strongest- anger at the invasion of privacy, that she waited an hour to tell me or disgust at being caught in a shameful act. But mostly, mostly, I felt hatred at myself for screwing yet another thing up yet again.
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StatsAuthorAgonizing ClarityAustin, TXAboutThank you for stumbling upon my page in this moment in time. I hope you enjoy my writing. I write to vent. To deal when my more negative coping skills aren't presence. You may find some are better .. more..Writing
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