Self contempt

Self contempt

A Poem by Agonizing Clarity

After managing to swallow 
a few bites of Marconi and cheese
the warm, gooey mass
sliding down the hollow of my throat
I inwardly cringe,
the critic in my mind screaming.
422 calories, 22 grams of fat!
I look towards Hannah,
the staff chosen to overlook my progress
and I ask to wash my hands.
Not waiting for a reply I hurriedly
rush to the bathroom with the speed
that only and anxious girl with a 
disorder can muster.
I carefully comb back my hair, and
tuck my chain in my shirt
I have done this before.
But then, I realize,
Hannah could be waiting for me,
or even outside, and for half a second
I decide whether to just wash my hands
and leave or to
give penance for the sin I had commited
when my body lurches.
I have trained this body of mine
so well, it already knows what to do.
Oh well.
I guarantee she won't hear a thing.
Realizing it's been thirty seconds
I stuff my fingers down my throat
pulling the strings of this puppet,
this instrument 
and it all flows smoothly out,
no coughing or ragged breathing
just the sound of water gushing.
I realize, in my frenzy, I forgot to pull up my 
sleeves.
I also realize, I look like s**t.
I pull the hoodie back over my 
graying hair and wipe my face
before sliding out the bathroom
and making a hurried escape outside.
What I didn't realize
was that Hannah had been listening.
When she tells me this, I feel so many
emotions it's hard to determine
which is strongest-
anger at the invasion of privacy,
that she waited an hour to tell me
or disgust at being caught in 
a shameful act.
But mostly,
mostly,
I felt hatred at myself
for screwing yet another thing up
yet again.

© 2018 Agonizing Clarity


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Added on September 9, 2018
Last Updated on September 9, 2018
Tags: bulimia, anxiety, hate

Author

Agonizing Clarity
Agonizing Clarity

Austin, TX



About
Thank you for stumbling upon my page in this moment in time. I hope you enjoy my writing. I write to vent. To deal when my more negative coping skills aren't presence. You may find some are better .. more..

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