Too sad for goodbyes

After running away 

and finding a home with my old foster sister

who I had lost contact years ago

I thought

Its okay if you weren't here for four years

You're here

now.

But things went south

every time I tried to help everything backfired

starting with tearful apologies on my behalf

and ending with

her shouting at me

calling me names

I hadn't heard

since my mom.

It hurt twice as bad

because she mattered most

and I knew

it was all my fault

I was no longer her beloved little girl

I was a hoe,

and ungrateful b***h

selfish

and that she should've left me

where she found me

And I stood there,

looking into her eyes

shaking

she was all I had left

All I had left to live for.

And she didn't want me either

after two weeks.

And I tried so hard

I stopped cutting

and only drank

I cleaned the house

showed her how much I appreciated her

and I only learned

how much she didn't

appreciate me.

Everytime it hurt more

everything I attempted to say was wrong

to the point her own

real family

was joining in on the shaming

Everytime I tried to utter the words sorry

she got such an enraged look

and I wondered

how over four years

she became a replica of the woman who abused me

I trusted her completely

and then I saw her transform

much like Katherine

But this time,

I tried to diffuse the flames

rather than give fuel

but she only burned

hotter

All good things come to an end

when I think about

all the families I lost

all the bruises I endured

the love not returned

as they turned away

one by one

until I had no one

No place to go.

No one who wanted me to stay.

Alone in our apartment

after experiencing a painful breakup and my sister

reminding me of my past

and how much we've changed

I swallowed 36 sleeping pills

washed down with flat coke.

Everything became a blur.

I couldn't see

I couldn't walk

And when the blackness in my eyes

dispersed for five minutes

I saw her

even though she wasn't there

simply my own imagination

showing my heart's deepest desires

I babbled incoherently

before I threw up blood.

Four days later

I tried again.

Author's Note

I have no words.