Confessions

Confessions of Clarity.

"What's going on in class?"

"You're not putting in effort."

"Don't you care?"

"You're failing miserably. All these zeroes."

"You always zone out..."

"Your past scores are phenomenal. What's happening?"

MY ANSWERS

In class I don't even know.

 Everything hurts.

 I don't want to be here anymore.

 I don't want to be anywhere, I want to let this pain go. 

It lasted an hour but now It's replayed in my head

 every moment

 every second of the day. How do you expect me to do f*****g Physics 

when all I see is him pulling his zipper down and forcing inside me,

 and all I can hear are my screams and his grunting. I feel his hands

 all over my body which I hate. I'm sorry I

 zone out I don't want to be here. No, I'm not putting in effort because 

I can't seem to care. I try to make myself care, I try,

 but now when I say to myself I'm not graduating it's not even a fight, 

it's a realization
A court I'm a conversation piece between advisers
They wonder what went wrong
How can they save me
Should they send me back to that god-awful place HGC
F**k that lock-down facility
That's not what I need
I spent a year there, wishing I could just stop breathing
Every day is a fight
Every breath is a battle
I got all these secrets but I'll never tattle.

Because
How Do I Say I was Raped
and dropped off like it never happened
Not even a month ago

How do I say I want to die
But I have all these expectations to meet
all these people hoping, keeping me on my feet.

How do I overcome this
Because I don't see any f*****g guidebooks anywhere
No google searches say
"This is what you do to get the f**k over this s**t"
And all these people are saying it's my fault
That he left me broken, laying on the asphault
I don't want to do this anymore
I don't want to do anything
Except drown out these memories
Every night it takes a little more
Another line another sip another war
What do I do with myself
I'm crying out for help I just don't know how to say
That
There's no superman,
saving the day.

Do you know what it's like
Having these flashbacks
A mere scent can take me back
Everyday is the apprehension
You ask me why I don't brush my hair
I DON'T CARE
Don't look at me. Please.
Let me go on unnoticed
I don't want another n***a
I don't want to talk to boys
I don't want to make them smile
Listen to their background noise
I don't want to be an idol
I'm very suicidal
Don't try to lift me up
I don't need your fake revival
I don't care if you don't care
I need anybody there
F**k up my room
Tear up my books
Throw water on my bed
I won't even f*****g look
You can't break me more than he broke me
You can't make me scream more than he made me
You can't make me cry I'm beyond crying
You say you want to live
Every moment I am dying
I'm not a damsel in distress
I'm a f*****g regret
I hate that he stole everything I loved 
I hate that the God we pray to just watched up above
I hate that he hurt me he bit me he turned me
I hate the fact that he left me still hurting
I hate that he let me live
This isn't a paradise it's a f*****g prison
Just leave me alone.
Let me be.
Why can't you see
I hate being me
This empty shell of a girl
My once-loved dreams of college are now unfurled
4.0 dropped to 2.5
That 2.5 wilted and died
Now I'm sitting here in this supid teacher-student conference.
You ask me what happened?
This should tell you why.