Daryn

“Boy, come here.” 

Tall Jane called the boy.

“Be quick with it.”

She threw her dirty apron

Over her shoulder.

Daryn, with a smile,

Ran to join the ladies

Along the serving 

Island. “It’ll be rush

Time soon. Can’t wait?”

“It’ll soon be time for you

To leave. Lest you’ve forgotten.”

Tall Jane gave him a warm

Smile, came out of the serving

Island, and embraced him.

“To a better place then

Old Jill’s Tavern.”

As he disengaged, Tall Jane drew

Off Daryn’s apron and serving-ware.

Daryn blushed as if he 

were a boy being scolded.

His cheeks brightened.

“Have I wronged you?” 

Daryn asked in riposte.

“There comes a time in all young

Where they must find what they 

truly are, underneath it all. Where

They find what they will take with

Them through the darkness. I can’t

Take you under my cloak anymore 

Child.”

“Tazmine has her horse outside,

She’ll take you out to where you 

Belong.” There was a slight sadness,

Though Tall Jane’s face dropped

Back to stonelike stillness.

Whose Tazmine? Daryn thought.

He looked at tall Jane with a mix

Of gratuity and a warming hate.

Jane walked Daryn to the door,

Showing him quickly out,

Pointing down the horse.

Daryn heard her door lock

And heard sobbing behind 

the door.

Reviews

[Thomas W Case]

Superb work. POWERFUL. excellent.

[JayG]

    “Boy, come here,” Tall Jane called the boy. “Be quick with it.” She threw her dirty apron over her shoulder.
    Daryn, with a smile, ran to join the ladies along the serving Island. “It’ll be rush time soon. Can’t wait?”
     “It’ll soon be time for you to leave. Lest you’ve forgotten.” Tall Jane gave him a warm smile, came out of the serving Island, and embraced him. “To a better place then Old Jill’s Tavern.”
----------------
So, how does breaking paragraphs of fiction into short lines make it poetry? The language isn’t poetic. You’re not advancing any unique thoughts or ideas. And, the viewpoint is that of a dispassionate storyteller whose voice contains only the emotion suggested by punctuation.

As a reader, we don’t know where we are in time or space as we read, or, what’s going on. And who’s Tall Jane? Waitress? Owner? Bartender? Without context this can’t work for the reader, who, unlike you lacks backstory and intent as a guide to understanding.

Given that you reacted badly to my last critique, I’m not certain of why you requested I read this. But since you did, and since this is fiction, shredded, not poetry, I’ll just suggest that you take a bit of time and read a book or two on the basics of the field.

I suggest Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict:
https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

If poetry i what you truly wish to write, Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, is an excellent introduction to the techniques that can add wings to your words.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf