Echoes of Past Lives Episode #1

Hoping this finds an interested audience.

Jazlyn

Idrick stirred from the backroom as Jazlyn walked down the bar table taking coins and placing drinks in front of her customers. 

“What’ll be served for dinner Miss Jazlyn?” an old voice called along the drinking line. A row of 13 old men, each regulars and heavy drinkers, though they were kind enough most nights and were good when rascals got mightier ideas than they could follow through on.

“Stew. Veggies and what meat we could grab from passerby vendors. Better than what we’ve had in a while. Idrick’s cookin’.” Jazlyn gave off a warm energy from her eyes, though she kept firmly focused on keeping the old men calm and drinking.

“He does make a mean stew.” The old man gulped down a quarter of his mug. “Glad there will be meat in there this time. I remember days when it was just soup. ” His face was more solemn and stonelike, “It is much harder to come by nowadays.” 

Jazlyn replied back with a warm smile, “Well, we should enjoy it while it’s here, shouldn’t we?” She hollered to the backroom with a sweet twirling of her voice, “Time check?” 

Idrick called back, “Meat’s browned and veggies are soft. No broken teeth for Rej this time.” Jazlyn could hear the chuckle permeating his voice.

“Topping off the drinks then quick before bowls, boys.” 

Jazlyn rolled her pitcher of mead over mugs, filling each to the brim as Idrick walked out with hot and fresh wooden bowls. Jazlyn grabbed silverware as Idrick set out the 13 bowls of stew.

Idrick gave Jazlyn a kiss on her cheek, whispering into her ear “Full night it seems like.” He gave a withering smile, like it was the best he could come up with at the moment. He probably needed some sleep soon or he’d fall over.

Idrick continued, “I’m going to go bring some wood in from the shack. Won’t want to have to restart a fire in this storm. It’ll be pitch dark outside soon.” He looked out the foggy windows, the cold bite of wintertime biting at Jazlyn’s toes.

“I’ll be back soon.” He opened up the door, coldness and snow pouring in quickly before the door clicked shut again. He wrapped a blanket around himself, bracing for the walk.

Jazlyn noted the weakness of the fire out toward the back of the dining room. The din of conversation and imagination carried her along more time than she was aware of. 

A loud noise startled Jazlyn out of her daydream.

Jazlyn jumped and let out a high pitched scream. She rested her hand on her breast, seemingly unable to swallow her own spit.

“The hell is this?” A few of the old men called out. A few sprawled back out of their seat, though none seemed courageous enough to put themselves between Jazlyn and the crazy man.

The man seemed to have gone through an awful pain before he arrived through the doors. He limped in, his body seemed scraped and emaciated. His hair was a damp blackness, shoulder length, an unkemptness showing he probably hadn’t seen it cut in a long while.

The man had a short knife tight in his balled fist.

The backroom door cracked the wall it was hinged to. 

Idrick had an ax in hand, his skin going from a bright red to a paler white. He moved himself between the man with a knife and Jazlyn.

The madman muttered things Jazlyn could only guess at understanding.

Jazlyn kept her hands clenched and distress entered through her voice as Jazlyn tried to communicate with the madman.

The madman quickly rushed Idrick, aiming toward Jazlyn.

He lunged quickly, Idrick slowly dodging, leaving a foot out for the man to trip off balance. Idrick struck the man with the dagger on the back of his skull. The man dropped to his face, unconscious.

Idrick froze in repose, a guttural noise escaping from him, he slowly got himself to the ground, Jazelyn keeping his head from striking the ground harshly. “Idrick?!” Jazlyn rose in a panic, finding a long cut along his torso.

Idrick’s eyes dragged heavily as he tried hard to blink, becoming unresponsive to Jazlyn.

Author's Note

Is this vivid? Does it immerse you? Is it particular or specific? Do you have any helpful advice I would benefit from? Was this boring?

Reviews

[Relic]

I think the story has potential but needs some revision. There were places that confused me, incomplete sentences, and too much description between dialog. It might help to use a small description of the guys at the bar. (scruffy beards, plaid button shirts, truck insignias on hats....)

I don't re-write people's stories anymore, but I can give you examples of parts that could be changed if you want.

Other than that, not bad.

[iTryToWriteAllTheTime]

I'd appreciate any examples you are willing to give. I appreciate you reading through it.

[Marie]

A finely penned and narrated story. I enjoyed reading and thank you for sharing it, iTry...

[GlendaK]

Hi, I think for as long as we live there are improvements to be made. It's all in the eye of the beholder. Some things we read are viewed in different personalities. I viewed this as if I'm a customer sitting in a corner table alone watching. It's one of the slower nights, not as fast paced, the 13 guys at the bar are classified as old so that explains the slow start. The barmaid tops off the drinks and the evening pace begins to quicken. The part where she couldn't "swallow her own spit" was unusual but, hey, it's a different kind of story with a different kind of observation. The world would be so boring if we were all alike. It seems like the very phrases that were so unexpected are the very ones that draws the readers interest to what is going down. "the man with the dagger" seems more fitting if it were "the man holding the dagger" because at first I thought he'd been hit with a dagger. But all in all, I liked it.

[JayG]

• Idrick stirred from the backroom as Jazlyn walked down the bar table taking coins and placing drinks in front of her customers.

This makes sense to you, who already know where we are in time and space, what’s going on, and, whose skin we wear. You also have intent for the meaning the reader should take. But the reader has none of that, and must guess as to the meaning, based on THEIR life-experience, not your intent. And as that reader:

1. So, Idrick, who could be 9 0r 90, moved slightly (look up the word “stirred.” It doesn't mean left.)
2. The word "backroom" generally means a meeting place for influential people, as in “backroom politics. So you might want to use “back room.”
3. As stated, Jazlyn walked ON that bar table. And, how many people know that a “bar table” is a rectangular table that has chairs by it? Given that the reader has no clue of where and when we are — and why — this doesn't work.
4. Who in the pluperfect hells are these people, and why do I want to know what they’re doing? I have no context for where that back room is, or what the place is. So while we have words in a row, to the reader, not knowing the three things we need to supply context for, there can be no mental picture.

• “What’ll be served for dinner Miss Jazlyn?” an old voice called along the drinking line.

1. We don’t know where and when we are. And neither I nor Google know what a “drinking line” is.
2. What’s an old voice? You know. And you have an image of the place in your mind but again, your intent doesn’t make it to the page. We must orient the reader or they have no context.

• A row of 13 old men, each regulars and heavy drinkers, though they were kind enough most nights and were good when rascals got mightier ideas than they could follow through on.

Why does the reader care how many people are there? They can't see them, don't know who they are, or even what planet we're on.

What you’re trying to do is tell the reader a story, as if at the campfire. But that cannot work on the page because verbal storytelling is a PERFORMANCE art, where HOW you tell the story matters as much as what you say. But not a trace of that performance makes it to the page, so all the reader has is your script, with no clue of how to perform it.

Added to that, you’re talking about what you visualize happening, as if the reader can see the image you hold in your mind.

Here’s the deal, and I am not trying to discourage you: They offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing because the skills they teach are necessary. There is no way to successfully write fiction without those skills. But we learn NONE of them in our school days. Making it more difficult, when reading fiction, we see only the result of using those skills, NOT the tools. And you can no more acquire those skills by writing with the skills of school than you can become an accountant by using high-school math and guessing.

There’s no reason you can’t learn those skills, but until you do, what you create will be stories that work for you, but not for the reader. Not good news, I know, but as I said, the problem is fixable.

As I suggested before, try this: Grab a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict from the site linked to below.
https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

It’s a warm easy read, that feels like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing. Just read it slowly, with time spent thinking about how each new point relates to your writing, and more time spent practicing that point, so you don’t forget you read it a day later.

Sorry my news wasn’t better, but you did request that I do a critique, and, as they say, “Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true.”

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[iTryToWriteAllTheTime]

Jay, when you are willing to learn to critique usefully and with constructive intent, then maybe people will listen to what you have to say. Until you stop pointing elsewhere for the knowledge you report to have, I will in all honesty have no respect for any opinion you give, no matter what you say. I care not if you’re nice, nor if you critique my work, but you need to approach being critical a different way where I might be incentivized to make specific changes. Thanks for reading. Take care jay.

[iTryToWriteAllTheTime]

Perhaps you could start with what you think are strengths in a piece of work. You win over who you critique when you give them credit for where they have done well, and they are more willing to follow your advice then if you throw critique after critique someones way.

[Davidgeo]

I'm not the only one who thinks you are a waste of effort Jay. And I'm at least as much of an a*****e as you are. When you learn to actually try and identify with humans you might learn how to actually use all that "knowledge" to achieve your lifelong goal of being NOT mockingly recognized as a "writing coach". I wish you luck champ. I have a feeling you will never find self awareness though. If you pay me 5K I'll "publish" a book of your "writing"... you seem to like doing that.

[JayG]

• Until you stop pointing elsewhere for the knowledge you report to have,

Unlike you, I don't guess. As Holly Lisle puts it, “Michelangelo did not have a college degree, nor did Leonardo da Vinci. Thomas Edison didn't. Neither did Mark Twain (though he was granted honorary degrees in later life.) All of these people were professionals. None of them were experts. Get your education from professionals, and always avoid experts.”

You went to school to learn the nonfiction skills you're currently using, yet you're not willing to take the time to learn those of the Fiction Writing profession. Still, you expect praise for work that would be rejected in a single line.

Someone you don't know took the time to do a critique BECAUSE YOU REQUESTED IT.

And the one who did it has signed seven literary contracts, has 29 books on the market, taught fiction writing at workshops, and, owned a manuscript critiquing service.

And your response is to attack the man who granted your request.

A Sol Stein put it: “A writer, shy or not, needs a tough skin, for no matter how advanced one’s experience and career, expert criticism cuts to the quick, and one learns to endure and to perfect, if for no other reason than to challenge the pain-maker.”

• Perhaps you could start with what you think are strengths in a piece of work.

There are none. Plot is of far less importance than writing with the skills the pros take for granted.

If the reader turns away before the end of page one because you fail to pull them into the story they would do the same on every page, for the same reason.

When you read fiction you see only the result of using the skills of the pro, and you've chosen nothing but work created by pros since you began to read. But you do see the result of using them, and will turn away in a paragraph if they're not in use. More to the point, your reader will.

Look at the other comment here. Was that praise? Did anyone even comment on the other story you have posted?

Want more responses, with better news? Stop demanding praise and earn it. Take steps to acquire the professional skills of both fiction AND poetry.

It's not a matter of talent, it's that you're making the expected new writer mistakes. They're fixable, and I've given you links to resources for both poetry and fiction. If you don't make use of them you can't complain when the mistakes you make are pointed out.

• You win over who you critique when you give them credit for where they have done well,

But you've done nothing deserving of note because you're still trying to write fiction with nonfiction skills. And you're ignoring the advice YOU requested, and which people used to pay me for,

Prove me wrong in the only meaningful way. Read that book, or another on how to write fiction, then come back and tell me why nothing in the book is useful.

The last person who tried that mentioned me on the dedication page of their first sale to a publisher.

Meanwhile, if you request a critique, again, you'll probably get one.

[Davidgeo]

No one cares man. No one is reading past the first line or two of your BS anymore. Let it go. Try a different approach.

[iTryToWriteAllTheTime]

It's a read request, not a critique invitation. You'll figure out computers eventually, old man. Where have I asked or demanded praise? Where have my calls to have accolades showered upon myself?
I'm perfectly fine with critique though I find your inability to give any practical or useful criticism hilarious and makes your critique fall on short ears, even if you think your critique makes sense. Be constructive and useful, or get a life and stop trying to tear work down where people are trying to polish works in progress. I hope you find the light Jay, I truly do. If you truly knew this knowledge, you wouldn't spout generalities but would fix specific things where they are broken and not s**t on things as if I don't know how to write. I hope you have the life you deserve.

[JayG]

• And I'm at least as much of an a*****e as you are.

No child, you win that context, easily.

• No one cares man.

Jealousy is the sincerest form of flattery. But feel free to impress me. Sell something. Anything less is bluster and envy.

[Davidgeo]

You're just embarrassing yourself. Writing sites are forgiving communties, recalibrate your critique style to be less narcissistic a*****e based and I think you might be surprised at the reception. Son.

[Davidgeo]

I change all the time, everyone who has been here for a decade plus has changed multiple times... what's your problem?

[JayG]

I'm sorry about the troll showing up. He's angry because I gave one of his sock-puppet accounts a critique, and he can't handle it.

He tried attacking me, and my writing, but I don't take him seriously.

Apparently he's not smart enough to see that all you need do is click on his name to look at his account, and his writing. That will tell you how accurate his advice is.

And...to get rid of his comments, you can click on the small x at the right, under them. But it's best to just go to his account and hit the Block Writer button on the top right.

Again, sorry. Unfortunately, the site is unmoderated, so it's vulnerable to the trolls..

[iTryToWriteAllTheTime]

I’ve seen you post copy and paste responses and you don’t seem to be building the best case for yourself not being a troll, not even a troll that puts in a lot of effort. Maybe you could revise some of this stuff, might make it so that people may actually want to read what you write.

[Davidgeo]

Please Jay. You don't review anything I write and I'm probably not the one with all the "sock puppet" accounts... you're the one constantly bragging about internet comments from strangers... and you seem to be delusional... yeah, it's very likely you have multiple accounts. Also, you don't review anything anyone writes who doesn't put up with your bullshit. You are just another internet bully trying to talk down to people... "oh I've published this so I must be this and blah blah blah" it's just the weakest, most pathetic call to authority fallacy BS anyone has ever seen. It's just pathetic. You are a very small "man" Jay boy.

[JayG]

No one says you have to take anyone's advice. But YOU ASKED for that critique, remember?

read moreNo one says you have to take anyone's advice. But YOU ASKED for that critique, remember?

And given that the views I give are those you'll find in any book on fiction Writing technique, and, are those you'll find in the book I suggested, you're rejecting advice to read a book that has close to 500 4 and 5-star reviews, in favor of using the nonfiction skills we're given in school. You can guess my opinion of that. Or, just look at the number of positive comments you've received for this.

As for my giving the same advice for the same problems when they appear in other stories? Do I really have to explain why first graders will taught the same things next year as this year?

But in the end, if you don't want me to comment on your work? Don't send a request like:

"iTryToWriteAllTheTime wants you to read Echoes of Past Lives Episode #1"

It's that simple.

[Davidgeo]

Jay is like that kid who never learned how to deal with rejection... ha... just let it go man. How do you not realize you've been embarrassing yourself all these years? You seem to be one of the only ones who doesn't already realize you live in a fantasy. The lack of self awareness in you is mind boggling.

[JayG]

Poor little troll is upset again. He's reduced to following me around and whining — dancing to my tune, while I laugh.

Seriously, guy. Take your meds. It's not good to obsess about someone the way you do about me.

[iTryToWriteAllTheTime]

Well at least your not full of yourself Jay, or else you’d be a pain in the a*s to read.

[GlendaK]

Please don't anybody review my stuff.

[Davidgeo]

I'm gonna review your stuff soooo hard

[GlendaK]

banana? ur a nut (:

[Davidgeo]

Also crunchy