Embracing the uncertain or embracing the Devine

first time at fine art school, I had a heavy past as a permanent student, I never thought I could be at such a place where future can bring great expextations

I remember my first days at the fine art school. all was so strange to me, cause rather than being to the university with people having same grade, having same pass, I met strange kind of people, and what I first felt was fear. I also  thought I was not so good, but I never regreted my choice.

I had faith in what they call "a talent", and that we should invest in, that we can shape our life the way we ever imagined, and whatever people are saying nothing is true but God Promises, and I am a faithful person.

I remember getting home like if I came from anothe star, and I was like "mom I did draw today", "I got into the atelier!" and "mom they gave us painting", and "the teacher is kind of an artist, he looks much younger then his real age", and that what attracted me the most, I met people I could smell they were diffrent, they had joy of life, persons daily life of bread seeking did not ugly their shapes; they were  living in a diffrent world, I could only smell paints backthen, and the cold artshow places, I ignored at what point were they successful..

I used to go to school, open big my eyes, pay attention like I was a machine, or kind of a box, the teacher was there, and I was frightned I could not say: "no! I don't want to do this or that", drawing was a waste of time, and I remember whenever I blew it, I felt a thing inside my chest like emptiness, like a cold fire burning so slow..

I remember I never wanted to get old and ugly, maybe old and beautiful, I was seeking immortality, but what is the point of living so long if therewill be nothing new we want to go through?! So, what I see is a lasting childhood, and growing big is gaining much experience, and walking through life is trying to get the thing inside, or the devine somewhere, the burning wish to (shape) the black hole that is somewhere there within our selves..

that what I call embracing uncertainty and that is all what I remember I went throught since I made up my mind.. perhaps long before that.. a very long time ago !