Bored.

A solution!

So, with life being so busy and whatnot these days (a good, productive kind of busy) as well as stressful (a lot of not-so-good stresses along with the good),  i have unfortunately found that my true self has become somewhat numb. In every way possible.  i hate it so much.  i don't have time to explore and celebrate the things that made me happy, adventurous, strong, creative, and just overall me.  It seems that i have become so strained, because the ideology that i have adapted within myself to "get me though" any given day was to "look to the future."  The idea that, "well today sucks....being busy from waking 'til sleep again...BUT, just wait until ___...i'm sure it'll be better by then."  And after a prolonged period of time exercising this endless cyclical process of thought and hope, i have come to the realization that as my life carries on, i am only faced with new challenges/paths/struggles/puzzles/opportunities/tests of faith, and what-have-you.....i need to realize that no longer must i hibernate my individualistic self by trying to meld into the background in order to proactively prevent extra possible stress factors.  Who i am and how i react to everything NOW is what REALLY determines exactly what kind of being i am.  So, as slowly as i have sunk, i am rising up again.  i will return soon some shiny, sunny, happy day :D.  I know that with the wedding, my love and i finally moving in with one another, being free from this apartment hell-hole, moving on to a better degree at a better college, seeing my best friend for the first time in too long, and possibly obtaining a better job, this will only accelerate the unfortunate amount of time this arduous process will take.

 

But oh, how it excites me! i feel like being reborn! i can feel God's Spirit beginning to run through me again....like a warm, inviting current in cold,dark,forgotten waters.....yay!  i was never lost from Him, but i just felt farther from Him than i had ever before. And i hated that feeling.

SO.....re-birthing my old self in so many different ways is amazing. One amazing thing i have discovered to help me look at EVERYTHING in a new light again is to take something as simple as a cup and just look at it for what it is, as if laying eyes on it for the first time: how wonderful a thing it is!  i imagine what it was like to first learn the name for this thing, "cup."  And i mouth the words softly to myself, as if reciting it and contemplating it for the first time.  The feeling and appreciation is indescribable.