A reason to live

An old short story I had written five years ago. It shows the feelings and thoughts of someone who finds it hard just to live and be happy in it.

He was sitting there. All alone. Browsing on the internet, having nothing to do, making sure he doesn’t think too much. Not thinking of life itself, his life and the fate of the world.

Eventually, he started thinking. Again those feelings arose. Feelings of sadness, failure, loneliness and pain. Life itself was so hard for him even though the days passed too fast. Just living was costing so much energy. Just to go to his job every day, eat and sleep was so hard for him. He didn’t even had to cook his meals, he didn’t have to clean his house himself, but still all those things were too hard for him. People often said to him that he looked like a walking zombie. His work had given him a week off. They told him some free time would help him and would refresh his lust for life, but all it did was making it worse.

His life looked so perfect in the beginning, but then his parents died. His study was going well, but all of a sudden it was put to an end. His parents still had debts to pay. They didn’t finish paying back their house. Their house was taken away from them. He was forced to get a full-time job, find an apartment where they could live and get on with life. Since then he was forced to live this way. His dreams were taken away from him. Everything was taken away from him. Before that had happened, that accident happened, his life was worth living for. Was a life like this worth living for? That was a question that kept haunting him lately.

The fate of the world. When he watched the news or read the news paper, all he heard or read were bad things. Disasters, killing, rape, war… The whole world was suffering. Mankind was destroying itself and the fate of the world was that eventually everything would just vanish away like nothing ever happened. He had begun to distrust strangers or even people he knew. People killing each other just because of money, because of a piece of paper. Money didn’t bring happiness, he knew at least that.

Time was passing by. Days passed, then weeks, after that months and before he realised it years had passed. He had made his work his obsession just so that he wouldn’t lose his mind.

One night he was standing atop of a very high building. He was standing at the edge. He had grown tired of life. No, he had grown tired of his own life. For the last time in his life he prayed to God.

“If there is a God out there. Let him make sure something happens that will make me stop doing this.” He said to himself. A breeze picked up, pushing him away from the edge. Then he thought he heard a voice.

“Brother? Is that you? What are you doing here?” a frail voice said to him. It was his little sister. It was she who had cooked for him and cleaned the house. She did all that while she kept going to school.

“What do you think I am doing here?” There was a pause.

“Why?” Was the only she could say.

“Why? Why you ask?!” For some reason he couldn’t understand himself he was shouting. “Ever since that accident, ever since that mum and dad died my whole life was taken away from me. My dreams were taken away from me. Working each day just to live, I can’t go on living like this. I don’t have a reason to live anymore!” He was crying now. Tears were flowing about along with his feelings. He never told these things to anyone. He had always kept his heart closed for everyone, even those that were standing close to him. Every second of each day there was a wall around that didn’t seem to break, but only seemed to get stronger.

“Do you really need a reason to live? Isn’t living itself reason enough to live?” His sister was crying now as well. She had kept trying her best to cheer him up with her smile every day, cooking and cleaning for him as he was too tired from work to do so. All those years the only thing she could do was to keep smiling even if she didn’t feel like it. All those years she had watched him suffer every day. Knowing that she couldn’t do anything about it was the hardest part. “If you really want to die that bad, don’t leave me behind! Let me die along with you!” She screamed. For just a second all of her feelings were flowing into him. Then he realised what kind of a life she must have gone through. Living just to live, that had been her reason all along and also the thought that he would revert to his cheerful self again, even if it lasted just one day.

“You… You can’t do that…”

“Then why can you die and shouldn’t I be allowed to die as well? Tell me why!”

“Because I don’t want you to feel the same loneliness that I feel, the same feeling of being powerless, the same feeling of having to feel that all of your dreams have taken away from you. My reason until now was to grant you a life where you shouldn’t have to go through the same feelings that I did! You are the reason why I live!” He had stepped off the edge of the building. After having said all of that he closed his sister in his arms. Tears kept flowing from his and her eyes.

“Let’s go home.” She said after they had stood there for what seemed hours.

After that evening his lust for life came back. He worked during day and studied in the evening so that he would eventually be able grasp the dreams he had dear a long time ago. He did it for his own and his little sister’s sake. Even though she had almost grown into a full woman in those years, he still called her his little sister. Those days were harder than he had experienced before, but he was able to go on because of her, because she showed him that wonderful smile of her every day. Their love was the ultimate bond between siblings.

Author's Note

So what is your reason to live?

Reviews

[F.M. Farris]

well written, I enjoyed this work.