Dear Baby

Dear Baby,
You would have been three today
I'll never forget the day I gave you up
You had only been alive for two months
Grandma and Grandpa said I wasn't ready
Daddy said it wasn't conveinent

 

Dear Baby,
As I lay on that cold gurney
I contemplate
Do I really want to give my baby away ?
That day, I was no longer your mother
I was now a murderer

Dear Baby,
Pain consumes me
Flooding my heart
Trickling down into the depths of my soul
Not the pain of the procedure
The pain of letting you go

 

Dear Baby,
The smell of ammonia fills the room
A jar sits on the table next to my gurney
Inside, one tiny finger and a little toe
Tears fall from my eyes
Dripping onto my hand
You had already begun to grow

Dear Baby,
Adoption was never an option
I couldn't stand to see you with anyone but me
I sent you to heaven
I envision you as a little angel
Watching over me

 

Dear Baby,
You have a little sister now
Daddy and I are now ready
We're no longer fifteen

 

Dear Baby,
I'll never forget you
You were my first little baby
I never got the chance to love you physically
Mentally, I hold you in my arms for hours

Dear Baby,
I imagine you handsome like Daddy
Quick-witted like me
In my dreams, I reach out to hold your hand
But I cannot
You always run away
But not before looking over your shoulder and yelling : "Mommy, I'm Okay"