No Lies, Just me.

This is an uncensored vent about some of my issues. Don't take this the wrong way please. TW: this is uncensored, depictions of an eating disorder, su1c1d@l ideation.

Sometimes it can be hard to want to stay alive.

Exhaustion gets the best of me and I start to withdraw from my family.

Sometimes they get upset about it, and it usually only makes me more tired.

Always with this cycle.

Eventually it starts to get better.

I start to interact with my family more, and I start to feel better.

They all get happy because I've stopped withdrawing, even though they never seem to notice the why behind the withdrawal.

Always with this cycle.

Eventually I get tired again.

School, sports, family, homework, everything seems to weigh me down. Then I step on the scale, and my world crashes down further

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It can be hard to love yourself when everything around you seems to crash down. When nothing feels right. When you have to think about almost every meal you eat because your weight is considered over weight, even if it's not by much. Less than 15 lbs, but it can make all the difference to the amount I eat.

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Still not enough, I can lose more, I'm still overweight. I need to drop for wrestling, because I need to sit at 168 pounds to make sure I can make weight.

I often find myself sitting there, wondering why I can't eat like normal people, why I can't find it in my heart to love myself, why I can't seem to make it sink in that muscle weighs more than fat.

It's hard to want to take care of yourself when avoiding it is so easy.

It's hard to want to eat a normal portion when eating as much as an 8 year old gets the results you want.

It's hard to avoid taking a knife to yourself when everything is going wrong and it feels like nothing else could make the pain go away, even for just a little bit.

It's hard to not want to leave the second you turn 18 and never look back because your parents usually make it worse.

It's easy to forget that I'm only human, and that there's only so much a human can take before they stumble.

It's easy to forgive and help others, so why is it so hard to forgive and help ourselves?

I don't know. Maybe that's just a mystery of life.

I don't know what'll make my mother happy. I lettered twice in one year, playing three sports. I don't know why she wasn't proud the second time I lettered, and it sent me spiraling, because the other parents were proud, so why not her?

Why were my accomplishments overlooked? Why did she not love me the same as my little siblings? Why do my parents seem to think that I'm unbreakable, made of titanium? Why do I have to be so sensitive, so vulnerable?

Usually my mental health isn't too bad, but I really start to think about it when I get into some sort of trouble, that's when it comes to the sharp point, that's when I have to talk about it. 

They said they thought I might be faking it to try to get out of trouble.

I suffered at the hands of my stepmother, she's emotionally abusive to her own children, and I suffered just as much.

Love bombing, she'd give it for a day and I wouldn't see any affection for months. She treated me as less than her own children. She has threatened me physical harm before.

I'm so tired of having to deal with this bs. Of feeling used and left on the ground to bleed out after they ripped out my organs. Nobody seems to notice when I'm struggling, yet I try to help those who I see struggling.

Why am I so good at hiding my hurt?

Bottles upon bottles of hurt, covering shelves in my mind. They have no place to go, so they sit, and they fester.

What is one person supposed to do with so many bottles?

Reviews

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

i always really liked stream of consciousness writng, it does something for me. the topic you are talking about isn't one i know very well - except my sister sufferred annorexia bulemia and i guess she was thinking a lo of the same things as you. she got better, but she still hates getting help from anybody. we don7t have a great relationship now, but i hope she is better, and i hope you feel better soon.

[Aetheria Gale]

I hope she's better too. It's really sucky to think about how much you're eating, it can make you feel terrible for eating a normal portion. If you ever get the chance, tell her that there are others out there who know her hurt. Feeling alone with your struggles can make it so much worse.

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

good advice. i am planning to have a serious talk with her later this month. i am nervous about it, but all i really want to say is i want her to be happy and i want to be there for her.

[Aetheria Gale]

That's a good thing, I hope she'll let you be there for her, it can be hard to accept help. Try to let her come to you for help, make the offer, of course, but try not to force her. :)

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

i'm getting better at being patient with people. it's harder to do that with family, right? but i'm letting go of all the anger and frustration i have been feeling towards my sister, and seeing her as who she is.

[Aetheria Gale]

Good! I'm glad she has somebody who can see her.

[Jeyanthi]

I just hope ... you feel better soon...
There are lot of tragedy I see before my eyes, during covid period... then I started to value more others, my time with them.. myself and more...
I do got food aversion... it's hard to explain... even your favorite food feels hard under throat or can't feel like eating at all... then we might get ulcer, it's OK to get ulcer but not OK to get chronic ulcer... blisters...
Don't turn into something... acceptance is only thing make your soul confined to this body we all got... I can't advise to go with mindfulness, diet or therapy or something because I know how it feels under skin, dragging us back...behind leaving with no hope strength energy... the weigh we carring on, make us to crawl under and not to come and see this world... the bothersome quite we are not like others, feels always like leftout person with no hideout..
We don't have to feel all this, is not quite necessary... there is no reset button or replay button.. you just move on... you need rest... take your time to understand your body better... sure it may feel wonder, after you realize all of it.. I just hope for you to get better soon