Gone for Good

A Poem by Aerie

I used to be a Christian, but too many questions piled up and I never found answers for them.

They think I'm still a Christian
They think that I'm still sane
That the tides of change have left me untouched
And I'm perfectly healed, not in pain
They don't know the words I scream at my former God in my head
They don't know that He ripped my heart out and rendered the old me dead
They don't know how I cry anguished, scared, and always alone
They don't know that this world has stripped me down to smoke and bone
They think I still believe that God will cleanse the world of violence
They don't know the only God that I know now is Silence
They try to tug the chains I had not knowing that I'm free
And don't realize when they yank the chains the world has clasped on me
They can't ease the fears I have
For them those questions are null
They always have the blanket fix
Of a God all-powerful
I seek comfort where there is none
They seek shame where there is none
I threw off my guilt long ago
And there's only anger left to show
I thought I was doing something wrong
That's what everyone told me
But I screamed and screamed, and begged and begged
And still God never showed me
The answer to my questions
Or really any answer at all
He let my world crumble around me
And passive, watched me fall
That's why I'm leaving the church for good
That's why I'm now alone
Why I'm confused, bitter, scared
And no longer have a home
I'm exposed to every element
Every wind of uncertainty
Every rain of fear
Sometimes I think my old shelter of faith
Would be better than living out here
But I can't perform like their trained monkey
Can't keep up my act much longer
For in the areas they value
I grow weaker and not stronger
They don't hear my cry for help
Don't notice the plea in my eyes
One day they'll wake up alone
And much to their surprise
I'll be gone
They can't ease my pain
And they can't stop my strife
I'll be off to start my search
For a different, better life