Loser

A homeless man recounts where he went wrong in life

Had you ever just woken up one day and said to yourself, "damn I'm a loser?" It was a notion I entertained and joked about often, but somewhere in the back of my head, when I still retained even a shred of my pride, I had always thought to myself that I wasn't ever really a loser; back when I thought I was worth anything. Through my crippling depression I thought that eventually happiness would come my way. Either I would stumble upon wealth, cure cancer, live a minimalist life content with what I had, or even meet with what would in years eventually become my first wife wherein we'd lived happily ever after. I always held on to the fact that something would inexplicably come my way and make everything right that all my woes would go away. I had finally given up on that fantasy; kicked out of my mother’s home at the age of 28 I finally realized I had wasted my life, dreaming a dream that I didn't bother to work towards, wishing for a wish that I hadn't even tried to achieve. I simply waited, my life wasting away doing nothing more than playing games, watching anime and TV, and achieving nothing on the internet.

 

            My realization didn't come out of nowhere, after all I was never a well liked child, didn't have many friends, not too smart in school, and not too good at sports. It doesn't take long for anyone to figure out that lacking social, physical, and mental skills is a one way road to failure. Though in my childhood years I found no issue with this so long as I was having fun, by about the time I had made it out of high school I was forced to finally come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going anywhere in life.

           

            At first I tried, hard in fact, for starters spending enough time on the internet would give anyone something to talk about. And at first it did, however after a while people grow tired of my conversation, what seemed to be nothing more but wise words of someone who had bothered to question what the majority had to say, knowledgeable in most subjects that others weren't, soon became paranoid ranting of a sad basement dwelling man-child. As far as physical ability goes I went to the gym, I exercised with my father with whom I was always distant and for the first time finally began to grow closer to before he had passed away. And as far as mental capability goes I couldn't even make it through my second semester of college, lacking in both motivation and reason. After a while I gave up, I dropped out, and locked myself away.

 

            For years I ended up bouncing from job to job, making not enough money to support an animal let alone myself. All the while blaming anything and everything for my problems; religion, for being nothing more than a with the added bonus of being eternally indentured to an invisible entity, be it an idea or a god; politics, for being nothing more than a game of who can control who with a different sell depending on who ever was speaking at the moment; people, for not reaching out to lend a helping hand aside from the occasional disingenuous everything's going to be okay speech that everyone was so quick to deliver; and above all else me, for not trying and letting my life waste away despite every chance I had to change it, because by the end of the day, nobody is at a greater fault than I.

 

            So now I sit, recalling my past happiest moments, and my past mistakes. It's been a while, one week after my father died, I was kicked out for being a waste of time, money, and effort as my mother had put it. And ever since then I've been wandering, thinking, regretting. But it's getting harder with every day that passes, I never tried to keep count, and still neglect to do so, though it doesn't matter for my time is coming and though I have much to say, I've no time to say it.

 

Goodbye everyone I won't be missing you...