![]() LoserA Story by Aerabith![]() A homeless man recounts where he went wrong in life![]() Had you ever just woken up one day and
said to yourself, "damn I'm a loser?" It was a notion I entertained
and joked about often, but somewhere in the back of my head, when I still
retained even a shred of my pride, I had always thought to myself that I wasn't
ever really a loser; back when I thought I was worth anything. Through my
crippling depression I thought that eventually happiness would come my way. Either
I would stumble upon wealth, cure cancer, live a minimalist life content with
what I had, or even meet with what would in years eventually become my first wife
wherein we'd lived happily ever after. I always held on to the fact that
something would inexplicably come my way and make everything right that all my
woes would go away. I had finally given up on that fantasy; kicked out of my mother’s
home at the age of 28 I finally realized I had wasted my life, dreaming a dream
that I didn't bother to work towards, wishing for a wish that I hadn't even
tried to achieve. I simply waited, my life wasting away doing nothing more than
playing games, watching anime and TV, and achieving nothing on the internet.
My
realization didn't come out of nowhere, after all I was never a well liked
child, didn't have many friends, not too smart in school, and not too good at
sports. It doesn't take long for anyone to figure out that lacking social,
physical, and mental skills is a one way road to failure. Though in my
childhood years I found no issue with this so long as I was having fun, by
about the time I had made it out of high school I was forced to finally come to
terms with the fact that I wasn't going anywhere in life. At
first I tried, hard in fact, for starters spending enough time on the internet
would give anyone something to talk about. And at first it did, however after a
while people grow tired of my conversation, what seemed to be nothing more but
wise words of someone who had bothered to question what the majority had to say,
knowledgeable in most subjects that others weren't, soon became paranoid ranting
of a sad basement dwelling man-child. As far as physical ability goes I went to
the gym, I exercised with my father with whom I was always distant and for the
first time finally began to grow closer to before he had passed away. And as
far as mental capability goes I couldn't even make it through my second
semester of college, lacking in both motivation and reason. After a while I
gave up, I dropped out, and locked myself away.
For
years I ended up bouncing from job to job, making not enough money to support
an animal let alone myself. All the while blaming anything and everything for
my problems; religion, for being nothing more than a with the added bonus of
being eternally indentured to an invisible entity, be it an idea or a god;
politics, for being nothing more than a game of who can control who with a
different sell depending on who ever was speaking at the moment; people, for
not reaching out to lend a helping hand aside from the occasional disingenuous
everything's going to be okay speech that everyone was so quick to deliver; and
above all else me, for not trying and letting my life waste away despite every
chance I had to change it, because by the end of the day, nobody is at a
greater fault than I.
So
now I sit, recalling my past happiest moments, and my past mistakes. It's been
a while, one week after my father died, I was kicked out for being a waste of
time, money, and effort as my mother had put it. And ever since then I've been
wandering, thinking, regretting. But it's getting harder with every day that
passes, I never tried to keep count, and still neglect to do so, though it
doesn't matter for my time is coming and though I have much to say, I've no
time to say it.
Goodbye everyone I won't be missing
you... © 2016 Aerabith |
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Added on March 26, 2016 Last Updated on March 26, 2016 Tags: Reflection, Rationalization, Depression, Giving Up Author![]() AerabithEastpointe, MIAboutI am a college student that mostly programs video games when he can but occasionally writes in his free time. I have a YouTube channel which I post programming projects as well. I will use this as my .. more..Writing
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