Night Visit

A family is put through a difficult situation when a stranger breaks into their house seeking revenge. (Written as a submission for the first contest presented to The Challengers group)

It was late on a calm and full moon night. The light shone through the windows of the Winslock residence as if the light was meant specifically for their house, as opposed to the rest of the neighborhood. Mr. Winslock had just turned out the lights to the living room, and powered off the television. He was tired, and after a long and hard week of work, he was looking forward to lying in his bed with his beautiful wife Sheila, and sleeping in tomorrow. So concentrated was he on his fantasy of sleeping in tomorrow that he barely noticed the stranger that faced him in his own living room, with a shotgun pointed straight to his chest. So immersed he was in his little dream, that he hadn't realized how loud and clumsy the intruder had been, coming into his house. The last thought to go through his head before being killed was the depressing thought, of the horrible mess that would be left in his living room.

Upstairs in the master bedroom where Shelia slept, was a little boy, who had not more than an hour ago come scampering into his mother's bedroom because of a frightful nightmare he had experienced. While it had only taken him just 5 minutes to fall back asleep, she had remained awake, waiting for her husband to come to bed. The gunshot had startled her and had woken her son up in a daze of confusion.

“Hide under the bed!” she frantically commanded her son. He looked just as confused as before, not knowing if he was dreaming or not.

“NOW!” she sputtered as she grabbed her cell phone sitting on the night stand next to her bed. 

The little child, not fully grasping the situation at hand, crawled under the bed. Sheila began dialing 911 as she made he way to her bedroom door. She opened the door and peeked out into the hall, only to see her very bewildered daughter, rubbing the dust the sandman had left, out of her eyes. She heard footsteps as the legs made their way up the wooden staircase. There was no urgency in the steps, but the sinister, exasperated breaths that accompanied the person coming up the stairs made her convinced that the devil himself was approaching the second floor.

“Daddy?” her daughter tiredly mumbled as the stranger got to the top of the stairs.

“Sorry kid.” he calmly replied as he raised his shotgun and pulled the trigger without hesitation. 

The shot was enough to send her daughter through the doorway she had come out of. Sheila quickly closed her bedroom door and locked it. The stranger heard it and began to make his way towards the door.

“9-1-1 what's your emergency?”

“There's someone in my house, he's shot my daughter, and I think my husband too” Sheila croaked over the phone.

“Okay Ma'am, can you get out of the house?” the dispatcher calmly inquired.

“No I'm trapped.” Sheila replied. Suddenly a hard knock came from the door.

“Shiela, Sheila baby! I'm coming for ya!” the stranger screamed. The knocks grew louder and more frequent. She knew how this was going to end, she had to think of Walter now, her son, and last remaining family member. She got down on her knees and looked under the bed, making direct eye contact with Walter.

“Honey, listen to me, no matter what happens you don't come out, okay? Okay!?” She murmured through tears. Walter nodded his head, in fear and took one last look at his mother as she got back to her feet, leaving him alone, under the bed.

Walter closed his eyes and tried to imagine of being anywhere else except under a bed. His concentration into an imaginary world was fleeting. It wasn't so much his mother speaking over the phone in a frenzied panic, nor was it the repeated banging coming from the door that kept him from mentally escaping the scenario at hand. What kept him there in the present moment, was a tingling sensation that was running along his arm. He was too scared to move, and scratch the itch that came along with this tingling sensation. All he could do was look at his arm, and watch as a spider was slowly walking up his arm.

As he took note of the eight dark legs that were supporting a large body with dark black eyes, the door to the bedroom flew open, and in walked, the man with the shotgun. Walter wasn't sure what he was afraid of more, the spider that was crawling up his arm and towards his neck, or the murderous creature that had just stormed in the room. Walter's muscles began to tense up, his eyes widened, and his breathing quickened.

“Hello honey, I'm back!” The stranger shouted. Sheila was terrified, unable to move let alone break eye contact with her ex-husband.

“Wh-wh-when did..”

“When did I get out!?” He shouted, startling Sheila, “Apparently not soon enough!” 

Sheila was whimpering, tears uncontrollably running down her cheeks.

“Till death do we part Sheila!” He shouted as he pulled the trigger, completely annihilating any remnants of her once beautiful, angelic face.

It took all the self-control Walter had not to scream. The gunshot had scared him, and the spider had covered a lot of ground during that one deafening shot. While the spider was struggling to climb onto Walter's chin, the man's face came into view. He had never seen this stranger before, and had never heard of his mom speaking of anyone else other than her father, or family friends whom he knew very well. He saw as the stranger grabbed his mother's lifeless hand and grabbed the wedding ring she had worn for years. He took it off violently, and then kissed his mother's fingers with a maddening passion.

“Till death do us part.” He whispered. 

He raised his head, out of Walter's view, and got to his feet. The murderer made his way out of the bedroom, shotgun in hand, leaving Walter and the spider alone to their interaction. The spider managed to crawl onto little Walter's face, exploring the edges of his mouth and the nostrils of his nose. Walter was making direct eye contact with the spider, still too afraid to move, or to even breathe. 

In the distance, he heard a voice from his mother's cell phone trying to get someone to reply. Downstairs he heard some shouting, and a few shots fired. After a few minutes, he heard footsteps enter the room, all the while, the spider still hung around his face. He saw from the corner of his eye 6 feet, in black shoes, and heard their voices talking lowly amongst each other. Then a dispatch radio chimed in. Walter too afraid of the spider to open his mouth or speak, knocked on the floor lightly, figuring it was safe.

“What was that?” A voice asked.

Walter knocked on the wood floor again, this time a bit louder. The spider moved quickly, and Walter quickly closed his eyes, and could feel the legs of a spider standing over his closed eyelids. Shortly after he could sense a light shining on him, coming from just beyond the bed. The spider, in fear, quickly disappeared from Walter's face, and ran off. An arm reached out to Walter as he opened his eyes.

“It's okay.” The officer said. 

Walter took his hand, and made his way out from under the bed. The officer lifted the boy up and scooped him in his arms, quickly getting him out of the bedroom, and then out of the house.

The emergency vehicles parked outside the house were buzzing with activity. Walter managed to look around and take note, of the police cars, the ambulances, but most importantly, the stranger, who was being treated for a wound he had suffered upon his exit.

“He stole my mom's ring.” Walter said between sniffles to the officer who was carrying him to an ambulance.

“He stole what?”

“My mom's ring.” Walter repeated.

The officer set him down in the ambulance, where a first responder wrapped him in a blanket. Walter was still in shock, but the sounds and images of what had happened burned in his mind so clearly, he could still hear the man's demonic voice. He turned to the officer who was still with him, and began to recount what he had witnessed. He shared every little detail he had in his head, painting a clear picture to the officer of everything that occurred in those frightful moments, right down to the spider, that had kept him from going elsewhere.

Author's Note

What's good? What's bad? Let me know what you think, and point out any errors you might find. This was written as a submission to a contest for The Challengers group, where by a story had to include a sinister stranger, a stolen ring, and a fear of spiders.

Reviews

[gr8 scott]

Horrific. You gruesome woman you. The spider was an excellent addition to an already threatening situation. Having to read about it crawling on the boys face gave me a twitch. One concern, the light scared the spider off. But a blast from the shotgun did not? I feel the noise, as loud as I can imagine, would send the spider into a scamper. From there, you could maybe tie in how the shotgun blast (that blew his mothers face to bits and ends) provided relief from the threat of the spider. I mean, the boy couldn't help but be relieved the spider was now off his person, but at the expense of his mother's doom. It's a direction you could dabble in. Otherwise, what a good telling. Bit of a "Here's Johnny" flare.

[Vesa Lee]

"He saw as the stranger grabbed his mother's lifeless hand and grabbed the wedding ring she had worn for years. He took it off violently, and then kissed his mother's fingers with a maddening passion."
>>>>
One of the many passages that gave me a mental chill; the cool, calculating, monster of a man was fleshed out expertly. I was sure I could almost smell him at times, he was so believable. I also love the brevity of the dialog; you had just enough and every word packed a punch.
Overall, very well done. The Crime/Thriller genre is my guilty pleasure and had this been novel length I would have read it all in one sitting. :)

[Y.Yen]

Great story, but the ending is a little weird. Seems like a young boy was too calm when he saw the murderer right in front of him. And I think you could add just a touch more description and feelings to the boy. With too many things happening around him, i couldn't really feel his fear and sorrow even though i know exactly what was happening around him. Well, that's my thoughts, i hope it helps. I look forward to reading your next writing. XD

[Archia]

I'm impressed with how you tied in those three elements, it was like they were all meant to be there. I was interested throughout this whole thing and kept wanting to know what was happening but I think that was a little bit of a problem. It wasn't boring at all, but I guess I was waiting for something big to happen. Since the first death was right at the beginning it was a real shock but the rest weren't, so I kept waiting for something else big.
There was one line in the beginning that was in the wrong tense "Mr. Winslock has just turned out the lights to the living room, and powered off the television." That's just what I noticed.
There were also moments where you tended to overuse commas, I do that to a lot, they just weren't alwasy necessary.
And that's what I thought of it. It's a good story, I didn't get bored (and I can get bored easily when reading). I loved how the spider was used, it seemed like such a key part in it, not like it had to be there just because. It was a bit creepy, the guy coming in and shooting everyone and I was just willing for Walter to live. It was very enjoyable to read.

[Aeneas Barton]

You know I had thought about starting this scenario earlier than him turning out the lights and going to bed, but whenever I tried it just seemed so unnatural. I feel like this story is the climax of a longer of bigger piece, but I felt like if I had started the story sooner, or ended it later, I would just be forcing the action, and forcing the characters interactions, it didn't feel right. I am glad you enjoyed the bits with the spider, as yes the spider's role is important, and I didn't want it to be viewed as unnecessary

[Kuro]

" immersed we was" He was?
Awesome but depressing story D;
I like how you incorporated the spider. It makes me think that if that spider hadn't been there then the kid might have been seen. It also makes me think of what I would do in this situation. Hopefully I will never know.

[Aeneas Barton]

Thank you for that catch, I proofread this at 3am, I am amazed there was only one mistake. I hope you are never put in such a situation either.