Boy Friend?

 

On the round chair that I have in my bedroom, there are two people. One boy and one girl. The boy keeps kissing the girl so gentle, but so passionately. The girl giggles and the boy knows she wants more. He stops kissing her but moves his lips down her jaw bone and his arms down her back, making the girl shiver with delight. The boy smiles, and starts nibbling on her neck. But the girl doesn’t want any more then fooling around, and the boy knows this and understands not to cross the line. He stops and as gentle as a feather puts his head on her heart and closes his eyes and listens. The girl leans her head on the back of the chair and shuts her eyes to in comfort and stays there, peacefully, in silence.

Thinking of this makes me sad. I want this so badly you have no idea. I might be a little young of looking for a boyfriend but I don’t know. I just want to have someone to say “yeah he’s mine”. But no one wants me. Or maybe that’s not true, but I that’s what I believe. I think boys don’t want me because I’m fat or ugly or stupid or something else. But I am fat. So I understand why they don’t want me, if they don’t want me for my fatness. ‘Cause I don’t want it either.  But not all girls can have a fast metabolism, to make them as skinny as a twig.

I’m not good around guys. I smile, giggle and try to flirt a lot. Sometimes I have a good conversation with one. Sometimes I even think they might even like me. But then I stop thinking because I know that’s just my imagination running wild.

I hate it when girls know that people like them and they say “no, no one likes me” Just to make another feel a little better. But to me it makes me feel a whole lot worse, when someone haves to lie to comfort me. It’s the same when skinny people say their fat. What do they think of me, obese? I just can’t stand that.

But I don’t think I will ever stop thinking that boys don’t like me in the way I like them. Maybe when a boy comes up to me and asks me out maybe then I will try to think second thoughts. But I have such a bad self- conscience that I will probably think that some one dared them to ask me out or trying to be funny to ask a fat girl out as a joke. I think of these things because I saw them happen to other bigger people I know.

I just want something great to be in my life. No I’m not saying my life sucks; I actually think I have one of the better lives. I have family that cares for me. Even if the family has fights and I am in the middle of it all. I have nice things and I have a roof to live under. I am not rich and I am not poor. I have normal problems like having way to much homework that makes me get stressed out because I have to stay up late just to get it done, or having to do chores and if I don’t my dad will start yelling at me saying I don’t do anything at all.  I have some great friends and I have some not so great. Just like most people.

But I want something more. I want someone who I can look after and get things for them  just because I feel like it. Or call to hear their voice without them screaming their heads off at me. I just want to have someone who wants me and who will hold me when I need some help staying together. Someone who I can ask personal questions to, without feel like a dork or a stocker. Because I would know they would like me even if I was a dork.  Or someone who would hang out with me and give people evidence that I’m not gay.  

I know I might be too young for wanting a boyfriend. And I know that I’m way to young looking for a boyfriend who wouldn’t go too far passed the line but who would go far enough to give me chills down my spine and making me beg to give me more. I know I want more than I can have at my age, but I can dream can’t I? If I can’t dream I don’t know what to do. I know that my wishes are probably won’t come true anytime soon, but I have to dream so I can still believe in hope.

I want a boyfriend, enough said.