With Friends Like These

Nineteen year-old Adrian shares a part of his life that he's until now kept hidden with his closest friends, enabling him to live his life without having to hide who he is.

My friends and I were always hanging out, since it was basically our last summer together as we were then.  I was to leave in September for school in Santa Cruz, David to San Diego in the middle of August and Matt following with Fresno.  Walter and Derek were staying in town for college, and Robert still had a year of high school left.  While we waited for that time to come, we cherished the time we had then, to be together, just the six of us against the world.  Who cared about what the world thought about us, and who cared that we were simple teenagers without enough experience in life to fully understand the meaning of it all?  We were just living for the moment, and to find a place where we belonged, and right then we belonged exactly where we were, in the company of good friends.

            “Pass a slice over here, d****t!” Derek demanded of Robert, fighting over the box of Little Caesar’s.  “Please, I haven’t eaten all day!”

            “God, Derek, you already had five! Seriously dude, leave some for the rest of us!”

            “Go f**k yourself, there’s another box, now give me another one!”

            “Fine.” Robert unhanded the box while we watched laughing.  Walter and Matt weren’t with us that night, which isn’t so surprising.  Walter was always busy, being such a big part in community programs and theater productions.  Matt?  He hated going to the movies, and that night was no exception.  He did miss out, though, the film Ted was totally up his alley.

            We were sitting at the amphitheater of the town’s college (bizarre, considering Turlock is a cow town) eating grub at one in the morning because we had nothing better to do, and boy was it the time of our lives.

            “David,” Robert began.  “Tell us about Reyna, huh?”

            “No.  She doesn’t want me to say anything.”

            “Come on, man, you’re my brother, you tell me everything!” A disclaimer, the two are actually related, and though they were two years apart, people confused them for being twins all the time.  David hated this.

            “Nothing, okay?  We just hung out, that’s all.”

            “Bro, come on!” Derek butted in.  “We want details! Did she blow you?”

            He didn’t respond, and we all knew the answer.  “Ahaha! She did, didn’t she?  You sly b*****d!” Derek said.

            “Shut up!” he laughed.  “Yea, she gave me a blowjob.  But that was it.  We’re just friends..”

            “Oh my god, you got yourself a f**k buddy!”  Derek shouted.

            “Derek, shut up!” I was worried. “People might hear you.”

            “Really, Adrian?  At one in the morning?”

            “You don’t know, I mean we’re here.”  I always felt embarrassed when he blurted things out, especially when they’re offensive slurs, which happened often.

            “Well they can go f**k themselves.  GO F**K YOURSELVES!”

            “D****t Derek, keep quiet!”

            “Make me, b***h!”  Each sentence he structured seemed to be decorated with a “f**k,” “s**t,” “p***y,” or “b***h.”  It really summed up for a colorful and vibrant conversation.

            “Okay calm down.” Robert wanted to hear the rest of David’s story. “I want to hear the rest of David’s story.  Tell us! How’d it go down?”  I, in one corner, was waiting for an opportunity to speak up.

            “We were in her living room, watching a TV show, and her parents were upstairs in their room.  She put her hand on my lap, and I got a hard-on.  So she started rubbing it, and I put my hands behind my head.  I guess she took it as an invite to whip it out.  She was only jerking it for a while.  I swear I didn’t mean it, but I threw a blanket over us, and it went over her head.  And she went down on me!”

            “Dude, nice!” Derek gave him a high-five.  “Did her parents walk in on you?”

            “No, but I was paranoid!  She swallowed though.”  Everyone seemed to cheer at the news.

            “That is awesome!” Robert shouted.

            “Yeah, David, you get some!”  Derek laughed.

            There seemed to be a consensus for relaxed silence after he told his story of sexual escapades.  We looked up into the stars looking down upon us.  I felt it then, the moment so perfect for me to act upon.  It sucked that so many of these similar moments have passed me over the last year.  They were moments I felt perfect to take over and talk to them, but instead I paid attention to the racing of my heartbeat and waited to try to calm down, and as quickly as I notice the moment it’s passed.  So I learned, that the only right moments are the ones you take advantage of.  You need to act if something needs to get across, not wait for a certain moment when things are exactly right.  This was my moment.

            “You guys?”

            “What’s up, Adrian?”  Derek seemed attentive enough.  I didn’t want to blurt what was on my mind immediately.  It was too daunting, and I suppose I wanted to prolong the moment for as long as I could.  That heartbeat was acting up again.

            “Do you know about Adam and Mark?”

            “No, who are they?” David asked.

            “They’re personalities I created, in middle school.”  I explained all about how I separated myself into these two characters, and tried to personify only one at a time, and at times lost touch with one entirely, and how they’re polar opposite characters, like yin and yang.  I was still mostly buying time.

            “Wow. That’s interesting.”  Robert seemed to end the topic.  “David, are you still going to want to go into psychology?”

            “Maybe, I’m not really sure.”  My moment was getting lost.  A part of me wanted to let it go, and wait again for another time, maybe months from then.

            “WAIT!” I insisted instead.  I was going through with it this time.  “I’m not done!”

            “Oh, s**t sorry Adrian.”

            “Okay, well they’re opposite people. Adam is quiet and a reader, Mark is outgoing and a social guy, right?”

            “Yeah, we get that.”

            “Well, there’s one part… about Adam, that I’ve never told anyone about before.”  The atmosphere got quieter.  They seemed to understand there was a confession occurring, but still not sure what it could be.  “I’ve always been so terrified of this, that I wanted to only be Mark, but I had to face Adam and accept this part of me, a part I was born with that I didn’t want, and have always hidden away.”  I looked around to see if they recognized what was happening, and by god they seemed to be getting it.  Feeling humiliated I put my hands over my face.  I didn’t want to be seen.  “I’m gay.”

            “Adrian, come here!”  I heard Derek say. 

            “Wait, what’d he say?”  Robert sounded lost.  I think he stopped paying attention.

            “Goddammit Robert!  I just came out of the f*****g closet! I’m gay!”.

            I was flustered, didn’t know what exactly was happening.  I finally told them what I’ve been carrying in my heart for the past nineteen years.  I looked up and saw Derek standing with his arms extended out to me.  Shaking, I let him hug me.  David and Robert joined in with a cooing “awww!”  We were all choir boys, and so typically they started to sing to me, the song from Avenue Q.

            “If you were gay! (da-da-da da-da-da) that’d be okay (da-da-da-da-da-da-da) ‘cuz I mean hey, I’d love you anyway!”  I was laughing, but tears were rolling down my face.

            “Adrian, do you feel better?” Derek was looking at me.  “How long have you held that in for?”

            I laughed. “For f*****g years!”

            “Well I don’t think you said it loud enough.  Come on, shout it out!”

            “Okay, Derek fine,” and I screamed it.  “I’M GAAAY!”  It was off of my chest now, and the most bewildering thing happened.  I literally felt lighter.  I never understood the saying of a “weight off your chest” until that moment.  An anchor was lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt like I could conquer anything and everything.  My friends accepted me.

            “Adrian, I’m really glad you could share that with us.” Derek said. “For a minute I thought you were going to confess to be a psychopath murderer!”

            “Thanks, a*****e.” I was still crying.

            “But really, though Adrian.  I’m sorry that you felt you couldn’t share this with anyone.  It must have been eating you inside.”  It was, but I didn’t need to worry about it now.

            “I have to tell you all, I’m shocked you all took it so well.  I wasn’t expecting you to understand so quickly.  I mean, it took me sixteen years to accept myself.”

            “How long have you known? That you were gay?” Robert asked.
            “For as long as I can remember.  I’ve always known I was different.  At one point I found myself liking guys, and felt terrified because it wasn’t normal.  I know it’s ridiculous but that’s why I love Glee so much.  It’s helped me understand that being gay can be accepted, and a part of normal life.  It just sucks that it took me so long to understand that about myself.”

            “We get that.”  They were accepting that same night, and I was dumbfounded it could be so simple.

            “So, if there are any questions you guys wanted to ask me, as long as no one’s uncomfortable I’ll answer them.”

            “Yeah,” Derek began.  “About porn…” we all laughed.  Typical teenagers are always obsessing about sex, regardless of sexuality.  I was glad our conversations carried as they usually did.  I found my safety net, and though it was the most terrifying thing I’ve done, I couldn’t be more grateful of the outcome of that night.

            “HA! You said cum!”

            “Shut up Derek, stay out of my narration!”

            Anyway, I feel secure now, and I know that if no one else accepted me, I’d be just okay because my closest friends always would.  No matter where we were in several months or several years, we’ll always have a bond and understanding for one another.  I feel free now to live my life without having to wear the mask, the Mark that I wanted to mark me, and make me different.  I’ve instead accepted Adam, the first being and though I felt was a sinner by birth was no greater a sinner than any other human being, and now I accept my Adam within, and the two personas can join peacefully back to one whole being, the being that makes me who I am.  Since coming out to my friends I’ve felt freer, and though cliché as it may sound, it truly has gotten better.

Author's Note

I wanted to share this experience, but it was written all now-ish, so there may be errors or awkward wording. If you find any do let me know, I'll be happy to improve it!