The Room

“Room..this is a room..where am I ?, I am obviously in a room ..unfamiliar it seems” I thought as soon as I woke up. When the Amygdala started accelerating fear, my hands automatically were raised by the sudden realization that I am unjustifiably naked in an unknown cold room with a very faint light bulb that looked as if it was going to stop operating but was trying hard as though it pitied me, sympathized with me, my fingers startlingly began to look for a door by scrutinizing the walls. My body was such heavy that it could not be moved as if it became a concrete part of the ground on which I was laying. “ no..no..no, a door must be here somewhere, no,,f*****g no” I was screaming on the top of my lungs to the point that I couldn’t tell if that was my real voice, it was so hoarse due to an excessive screaming made before. “no..no..every room has a door,, no..that’s impossible..every room has a door, except grave, no,, nonsense, a grave is no room” I was pronouncing out loud with the objective of reasoning with the actual part of myself that a door is a part of a room, and that is a fact known and common to every human on this planet, and that no man builds a room without a door. I was running around the room like a lunatic until I run out of breath, yet I kept checking every part of it, every crack on the wall seemed an outlet to my intense eyes, and they had startled excitement every time they saw a wider crack or a tiny hole, to the degree that I started imagining myself turning into the tiniest insect has been ever made, just to be able to get through that hole..the best hole..and the best hope I had in my entire life.

I fell down on the floor for the reason that my energy that was left from the last thing I consumed had been used up. I was solacing myself with the Inexplicable way that there is a door yet to be found, and I just couldn’t do so. After the emotional breakdown I had, I decided to leave a room to reason “ how did I end up here ?”, and while the light bulb became strong I was questioning the many possible reasons that were still within the grasp of my imagination, but I was not able to find one which is reasonable, the only thing that I could remember is that I was in a room, I could not remember the beginning of my existence in the room. The more I looked profoundly for a reason, the more I found myself creating fictional places,people,things that could possibly contribute to my actual state, just to comfort myself.

 As I was laying down on the cold ground that I had not felt because of the self-made imaginary land I was in, I started fiddling unconsciously with my penis, after a while, I just looked at it and I wondered “ what am I supposed to do with this?”. I was aware of myself that I am a man created by supernatural being, and that there is a woman, who is different from me, and I soon knew the fact that the thing I was playing with has the ultimate function of all time, and the opposite sex is a part of the story as well. “ wait..wait..this is something I already know, but why it seemed strange, and new, it’s very excited actually”. The uncontrollable excitement I had in my mind as if I had had an experiment with a female before, had shaped my penis, as soon as it risen up, the light bulb had been turned off in a such a way that I began to doubt that my imagination of female body took the full responsibility of what happened. I got up and sat close to the nearest wall I could remember, I pressed my back against it so as to be certain that a physical thing still existed, and that gave me a relief.

After a moment, mixed-up words and phrases started to appear swiftly and confusedly on the walls, thus I stood on my feet so as to be within a short distance from the words, I found them usual, like there were mine, as if I were projecting them on the surface of the walls. “ room; door; every door has a room; god; woman; life; death is a part of life; me, I am in room, I am in myself; god is everything” I was amazed by the concrete extension of my own abstract limited beliefs of the moment. As I was perplexed, I could not notice that the light bulb had come to life again, and soon the words evaporated and moved away through every crack and every hole in the room, I chased every shaped vapor in order to grab them even though I knew that a vapor was not to be owned but to be felt, yet that was not enough for me to hold my tears, and crying for the part of me that gone, the part of me I was taken hold of when there was nothing to clutch, except the light bulb that was hanging from the ceiling. Looking at the bulb gave me comfort, and companionship, I felt like it were removing some kind of  the vague burdensome idea that I am lonely and soon death would take over. I fell in love with the light bulb, not because it was the only object in the room, but because it had some sort of discernment, and the more I expressed that love with my look toward it, the more it’s transparent glass emitted more light towards me, and the more I believed in the fact that I must have a beginning in this room, and hope that god would take me away to an infinite room, the more it shined and shined and shined as if it was the sun. And I realized that the only way to gain my freedom that was taken away by myself, was to stay close to the light bulb.