Her but Me

"The table over there..beside the window.. seems calm" she said while enthusiastically holding my ring finger and pinky together with her warm hand as she lead me.
we sat like regular couple, me and her and the wooden table between us. she smiled, gazed as she was turning her head unsteadily here and there in the pursuance of realizing to which social status we started to belong as soon as we took the shameful but daring step into such an upscale restaurant. A gratifying, nearly quiet, classic music was played, under which the stress hormone got frozen and gave way to the flow of oxytocin and dopamine. Wondering why everybody including my partner unstressedly smiling faded to trivia. Anyway, as I was triggered by the secretion of ghrelin in my empty stomach I raised my hand so as to get the waiter's attention. My lady saw me and uncontrollably grabbed my hand " no need for that, we don't…" she said while imitating my gesture, worried about the social alienation." .. o..ok." I exclaimed with admiration mixed with confusion '.. is this the girl I've known for months..where did she learn that..who is she ..?? Questions rushed to my mind. After a while, the waiter appeared and uttered courteously " may I take your order". My partner flexed the muscles of her mouth and looked at me implying : 'you first'. I thought for a while about what should I say in order to not make her feel Socially uninvolved. My reference was only of movies, thus I said disclaiming my true identity: " I'd like to have fruits as appetiser, and I'd love chicken wings as starter, then steak for the main course". I stared at my girl waiting for her order, I found her looking at me with her delighted eyes, full of appreciation and wonderment. " I will take the same..and I add water..I feel dehydrated" she pleasingly said. " tell me how is your mother" she asked in the intention of initiating a conversation like normal people, "here she goes to family file again" I thought, and giving her the expression that such discussion is not favorable to be proceeded I said " fine". But instead, she kept talking. And to be honest with you dear reader, I wasn't giving attention of what she was saying, I was only looking at her with inquisitive stares, scrutinizing her moves, newly-acquired hand gestures, her eyelids every time she slowly close and open them, the way she was holding the fork, the manner with which she was eating through a half-open mouth. I was carried away by an overwhelming bewilderment. "dear.. are you listening to me" she said whilst waving her hands before my eyes. "what" I said, " you have been served a decade ago..and you've been looking at me like you've never seen me before..ha ha..it's like we just met" she laughed without knowing that she was right. 'Yes ..I don't know you .. ' my mind kept repeating. I took a piece of banana sliced in a lovely shape with other fruits I couldn't recognize. Yet that wasn't what stimulated my appetite. My craving was induced by the look of such aphrodisiac beautiful creature sitting in front of me. she had wide eyes, her straight nose with a pointed tip, her breasts came to light behind the transparent dress she was wearing. Honestly I was smitten with her, I couldn't resist her seductive moves, and unconsciously I found myself fantasizing sleeping with her. I felt that she had the deplorable urge to have an Implicit sexual talk with me under the titles: love, adoration, intimacy. And for the first time since we sat here, we understand each other, we understand that we are sexually starved couple waiting for the legal bond to satisfy ourselves. Yet even if I was actually in a hyper-sexual climate I didn't get aroused, and the reason was that my testicles stressed out of producing testosterone, what made me Have no desire at all, and not have any response to the sexual stimuli she was transmitting: "we will have three kids, a house and a car" she was saying within her high peak while she was touching my hands and stared at me directly with her flirtatious eyes. This time I was aware of every word she said. I soon started to realize that there was unbridgeable frontier that separated us, but only the bridge of conformity what made us closer to each other. Then I imagined the predetermined future scenes and I got terrified of what I saw. and suddenly I found myself thinking out loud " f**k..that's not a life" I cried irrepressibly. "what ! whats wrong with you, you mean all of the stuff I said..? she said while looking at the other people making sure that nobody heard the F word . I was silent because to clear up what I meant I must take her into a journey inside my mind even though she would definitely like it. "talk..why you always silent? " she cried. The bossy way of ordering me to talk is what made me flare up even more, I said tranquilly: " what do you need to hear", she said desperately " I need to share with you my expectations and needs". After a moment of Silence, I collected my nerves, thoughts and begin to talk, believe me I was waiting for this opportunity before I was born : " The reason behind all this bullshit is .." I stressed on the initial consonant of the word Bullshit " is because of marriage…you just want to marry any person you stumble upon..your incentive is society and sex..you don't want to feel the sense of exclusion..and you think you are over the hill even if you still in your twenties..its all about you..you are afraid you might not find someone who gonna snatch you out of you family…that you may get stuck beside your parents bearing their daily problems..It is not me who drives you ..it is the need to be with me for the rest of your life just because you want to be considered as married and not a as damsel..and that's believed to be a shame among you women..concerning sex, believe me as long as we see each other as delicious piece of meats..we will get bored of each other too quickly and easily..a woman who emphasizes her body is of no importance for me…and look at you..you have skin-deep ideas..your talking of make-up and cloths and the f*****g babies doesn't interest me at all…" saying all these things while Adrenaline was functioning at full speed "and even if we get married ..what's the the f*****g point?..and I am not even good looking ..I work in low wage jobs..I could barely afford the bill of this dinner..I am very sorry if you invest all you emotions,time, and expectation into my own life but its mine and I do not have any intention to live it fixed in one particular spot in this vast earth ..but you are not to blame..I am the one who wasn't capable of saying all that..and now I did..and I want you to bear in mind that marriage is not a commercial relationship", by saying all that I felt like a burden had gotten off my chest. And she, upon hearing these words, she lapsed into silence, she didn’t even blink, she was just grabbing a spoon by the handle and looking at me with the feeling that she didn’t digest the unexpected. I paid the bill and left.