Lost Memories of an Assassin

About a guy that is going to become a killer who kills people who work for a certain company. A lot more story to go into for this to flesh out more but this is a small bit of it that I wanted to get some input on.

When he first awoke in his stupor of blindness, pain, and soundlessness his reaction was to climb out of the car. Balance was still not his to control and he fell to the ground while attempting to climb out. There he laid a while until he felt most of his senses return but his memory wasn’t to return with them. A box of cloves had fallen out of his pocket and while sitting on the ground back against the car door he searched his pockets for a lighter and began to smoke. After satisfying his curiosity and discovering they were he attempted to recollect his thoughts. He got up to survey the wreckage he had emerged from. The first sight was the cracked bloody windshield of the van that had hit his car, right away he knew the driver most of been dead but felt nothing until he looked down and caught sight of her.

            Sweat slides down as a drop along the side of his forehead to meet with the tears of blood running from his eyes. Leaning against the side of the small convertible he lifts his right hand to take another puff from his cigarette, he breathes it in holding it a while, and exhales with a weeping sigh.

            Behind him lies a young woman with her torso crushed by a van that has impacted his car from her side. She sits motionless, no signs of life, she’s a corpse but a lovely one. Her blood stained white skin still shows remains of her living warmth that is slowly fading. Part of Asian decent her charming almond eyes continue to be still, while her brunette hair, with a hint of cherry, still flows in the humid mid-days wind.

            He dares not to turn back again, left with only his amnesia he fears turning back and remembering. Thoughts race through his mind, why him? What happened, who did this, and why her, who is she? But again he stops; dropping his cigarette he pushes his palms into his eyes in anguish.

            Other motorist drive by behind the van, going about their daily routine just turning their heads as they drive by to gauge the disaster. From their angle they do not see the woman, the van’s driver who’s windshield is cracked from his head meeting with it is also motionless, another corpse. Drivers keep going, no one stops, and no one helps. Diffusion of responsibility it’s someone else’s job to help, someone else is certain to help however today is no different from most days; no one will stop to help him. So this young man, with no memory of his past will make a decision on his own.

            His thoughts he can not collect so he judges what do to with what he has and with what little he knows. As sirens are heard blazing in the distance he gets off the car and stands with his back to the tragedy. Hesitating he keeps at a standstill before his resolve strengthens so that he may walk away from the angel, the sirens will do with her what must be done. The sight of her, nearly ripped apart his soul which is why he never turns for a second glance.

There are no words to describe the despair of losing everything including hope. The moment he laid his eyes on her tears of blood began to stream from his eyes to the sides of his cheeks down to his chin where they leave him. His soul was ripped, he knew not who she was, what her name was, or remembered a single thing about this woman but he felt and in him he knew she was everything. He knew she was his happiness, that she was to him every pleasure he could ever feel, and that no other women in the world could be to him what she was. She was an angel that he had had and who was no more. He turned away. One thing he knew, that an image can fade no matter how much you love someone with time you will forget a face or any image, time will always fade things just like water erodes the strongest of rocks. Everything he had was taken by the van so its logo will stay with him for his angel’s sake. With no chance to ever feel peace, anger is all that is left to reside.

            After he heard the sirens he knew what he had to do, the hesitation passed he took that first step towards the task in mind. He walks with the determination to keep himself alive from despair and the tenacity to erase the image of his angel with the blood of his vengeance. The sirens send him on his journey for the blazing sirens he knew would bring with them a name for her and a name can haunt you for eternity.

Author's Note

Honesty and constructivism please.

Reviews

[Jūdan FyreHeart]

The bad points - Some of the sentences didn't quite flow as smoothly as they could have done. It wasn't horrific but it just stuck a little.

Good points - It had a good pace to it, with great descriptions. You carefully brought the reader into the story so that I could look around and experience things as your narrator came to. The small sense of emotion through the cold acceptance of the mess your main character found himself in rounded it off nicely.

[DiggeyEleven]

You have to watch your sentence structure, and simmer down on the wordiness. Again, good subject matter but you have to revise make sure that A) You know the reader they will be able to piece certain things together. B) You watch your redundancy. Those go hand in hand in a way and I will explain:

"When he first awoke in his stupor of blindness, pain, and soundlessness (silence would have done very well in this section, it reads smoother) his reaction was to climb out of the car. Balance was still not his to control and he fell to the ground while attempting to climb out (we already know he's climbing out).

The sentence may have read better if you said "Balance was still not his to control and he falls to the ground." Watch the past tense and present tense of your words as well.

Watch your wordiness, you don't need to describe every motion every action, just what is truly necessary to create that image you wanted.

Now of course, there are many way to revise you story to give it that necessary smoothness. Just watch the wording, watch the redundancy. Only describe was a truly necessary and let the reader have say it what some of the story does. You don't need to say, "he grabbed the cig, took the lighter out his pocket, clicked the lighter, put the lighter to his cig, lit the cig..." it's just too much for nothing. You have the imagination, you have the vocabulary, just work on your structuring. I felt my first review was a bit too winded, I would say just really re-read your work and read it out loud if necessary. I know it will help out. Good read.