Remorse...

and pain

      I never really liked spending time prepping up my appearance. All the other kids in school were always conscious about how they looked. I guess this is what you call appreciation for one’s own heritage. You know, those times when someone is like, “You got your mom’s eyes,” kind of thing. I for one wouldn't mind having mom’s blonde hair or her sapphire blue eyes. My mom was very beautiful and even if I’m a boy, the thought of resembling her wouldn't be all bad. At least every time I would look in the mirror I would see mom or at least have some remembrance of her. Maybe then every time I see a mirror I wouldn't want to go and smash it, because what I see in the mirror is no mother of mine, but the b*****d who broke her heart. His hair the shade of a raven’s wing, and those eyes of the deepest blue, a kind of blue that resembled the dark depths of the ocean they were mine to own. And the very thought of being an exact replica of him made me cringe. I despise him with an utmost passion and anything that reminded me of him would just spark the seething anger I keep deep within.

 

      What irked me most were the positive views I received for having this appearance. During my middle school years I had one or two girls confess to having an innocent crush on me. They liking my smile were a common reason, who are they screwing? Not once in my entire life have I given out a smile at school. They must be mistaking me for someone else. There were a few who really did mean to ask me out. But even still it’s not like I dated any of them though, a relationship built on with that kind of love disgusts me. I who never really liked looking at my own reflection found irritation in those who only bothered noticing the reflection but not the person within.

      “Mr. Heurlett,” a female student, probably a first year, calls out. “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

     “Make it quick” She then led me to the courtyard behind the school which is normally closed off to students.

     “Umm...Then if you don’t mind, would you like to go out with me?” She asks, her eyes avoiding mine.

      “….”

     Clenching her fists she stutters out, “When I first saw you during the morning assembly on the first day of school, I thought you looked cool…”

     Looked cool? Are you kidding me?

     “Only for that, you would want to go out with me?”

     Disgusting…

     My response startled her as she quickly gave me this “Its-not-what-you-think” kind of look. That pained expression on her face pisses me off. Who are you to be giving that sort of expression?

     “Sorry but I don’t intend to engage into any relation�"“Is it another girl?!” She interrupts, suddenly clutching on to my hands. “Is it because you like another girl? Who is she?! What’s her name and grade level?!”

     This girl is annoying on so many levels. She’s just begging for me to send her flying sky high.

     I shook her off. I seriously don’t want to get any more involved with her. Persistent and insensitive 2 of the traits I hate the most in a person, and she was being all sheepish just moments ago!  I can’t believe this. I’m better off just plainly rejecting her straight out. I planned on doing it more gently but she just drove me right into a corner.

     “Listen, kid, it’s time to get your head out of the clouds and listen. Who I go out with is none of your business and for me to go out with you with that kind of a reason. Do you think I’m stupid? You don’t engage in relationships with those kinds of idiotic reasons! You’re only going to end up hurting yourself.” I paused for a moment.

Mom…

     “Besides you’re better off with someone else who actually cares about you, you understand? Now go�"“But I like y�"“No you don’t you pea brained idiot, now head back to your room!”

     Frightened like the scared cat she is the brat storms off in a flash. Seriously were getting flooded with more and more naive little kids. Jumping straight into the unknown with only their curious minds to back them up, don’t they realize how much pain they’re in for? It’s not like I speak from personal experience. No. Every time I would see those blooming couples pass along with all their happiness I would see my own parents in the past.

     Ah…I used to think naivety was of a good sort. You know, the statement,” Ignorance is bliss” then again that’s a fool’s statement.

Naivety in a way is pretty much ones fantasy. Girls who stuff their heads with silly dreams of fairy tale endings, and little boys wising they could be some kind of hero who saves everyone from trouble; I thought they were all pathetic. That’s probably what set me apart from all the rest of the kids.

“Nicholas is such a meanie!” My fellow playmates would cry out every time Id burst their bubble.  I wasn't stupid enough to fall for adults harmless lies. What others found to be fun, I pretty much thought to be boring. I was the only one who was aware with everything happening. While they play with their toys and chase their dreams. I was there in the sidelines watching them sink deep into the weight of life’s lies. It must have been tough, you pitiful playmates of mine…Struggling with accepting the truth. What did it feel like getting all your childhood aspirations and ideals crushed so easily?

      Well you’ll have to deal with it. That’s the only thing you can do anyway. There’s just no such thing as heroes who can save everyone in trouble or a prince on a white horse who comes at the right time. It just doesn't make sense. In fact there’s no sense to it at all. If they really did exist why do bad things happen every single day? Why do the innocent get trampled on and left to fend for themselves? Why do people ignore the mistakes of the sinful and watch as it drags others down?

“Nicholas be a good boy, I need you in the house to watch over mommy.” He would always tell me right before he sets off to work.

      Why did dad have to be the one to leave? Why did he succumb to temptation? Why didn't he just stay? Why didn't he apologize? Of all the rest in the world why did it have to be him? I will never forgive him for hurting mother.

“Nicholas, mommy’s off to find some work, you stay put and guard the house okay? I’ll be right back.” But you never did. That was the last time I've ever seen you smile. Probably because that was the day you decided to move on. End the alcohol and self pity, get a grip on life and live. Live a life with me. But it was never meant to be. It just wasn't.

      Why did mom have to die?  Why did it have to be raining that day? Why did she have to stand by that lane? Why did a car just have to hit her? She finally decided to take a step forward, all this time I've been waiting for her and she finally decides to move on. Why did it have to end right when she found her beginning?!

      These are questions that I know will never be answered, yet despite that I still find myself asking. Call it a human’s foolishness. Doing things they are very well aware can’t be done. Kind of like rubbing a lamp over and over again as if expecting a genie to pop out. Very well aware that genies don’t exist they continue to rub it.

      It’s frustrating how reality just doesn't work the way we see it on television. Broken families getting back together, losses being overcome, princesses marrying their one true love, the innocent being saved, and a little boy reuniting with his parents, they are all but mere images people create to give a sense of idealism to the world. A kind of reassurance so that everyone won’t go all depressed with all the chaos happening. I for one don’t feel one bit of reassurance. It’s like I’m being mocked with a fantasy that I know will never come to true.

 

The light that dims in the evening snow

Memories of a time long, long ago

The song she sang was indeed so sad…

Her smile was enough to make me glad

But as of now I wipe her tears

And take away all her fears…

Her soul that rest within the sky…

Sweetest mother where do you lie?