The Masked Bagger #2. The Pineapple-Man Cometh

Forced to work on a day he had requested off, Vince Beckett is quite upset. An accident at the compost transforms him into the evil Pineapple-Man. He then kidnaps Professor Tincher as revenge.

The Masked Bagger

Presented by “Level Projects”

Created by The Real Adam Hauck

Issue #2. The Pineapple-Man Cometh

Released on March 9, 2013

Written by Adam Hauck

Illustrated by Adam Hauck

Previously on “The Masked Bagger”

Adam Hauck: I want the truth!

Professor Tincher: You can’t HANDLE the truth!

No, wait. That’s from a movie. Okay, now I remember…

Adam Hauck, a 31-year-old cleaner at the Bechtle Kroger was sent to store 717 - on another world - to become the superhero known as the Masked Bagger. On his first day, he had to battle giant evil birds that attack the store. Of course, Adam has a fear of birds but to quote Professor Tincher, “Face your fears. You have a job to do.” That’s exactly what he did and saved the day. Throughout the story, Adam met his co-workers: Katie Collins (his love interest), Mickey Tork (a potential buddy) and Vince Beckett (Adam could do without him).

Does anyone find it strange that only five people work at this store? Don’t freak out. Of course, there are other employees. They’re just not featured characters in “The Masked Bagger”.

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Our Story Continues…

It’s a rainy Monday morning. Adam and Katie are at the registers, bagging. Mickey walks up to them.

Mickey Tork: Well, I’m Employee of the Month again. It’s pretty exciting.

Katie Collins: Congrats.

Adam Hauck: That’s great, Mick. Although, you’d kind of think Masked Bagger would be Employee of the Month. I mean, he did save the store from those insanely giant birds.

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Yeah, he did. However, we’ve had those birds in the store before. They are a problem, yes, but they would have left on their own eventually.

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. From what I saw…

Katie interrupts.

Katie Collins: You didn’t see anything. You were in the photo lab, hiding like a little baby.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’s exactly what babies do. They hide. You got me. I’m a big baby!

Mickey Tork: Look, Masked Bagger is a great addition to the store, but I’ve been here three years. He’s been here half a month. It’ll be his turn one day.

Adam Hauck: Maybe *I’ll* even have a turn to be Employee of the Month.

Katie and Mickey both snicker.

Katie Collins: Pretty sure you have to do some actual work to get that. You’re always wandering around the store when you should be up here bagging.

Adam Hauck: I have important business elsewhere.

Mickey Tork: Like cleaning the photo lab, so in case of another bird attack, you’ll already be in your hiding place?

Mickey and Katie both laugh. Adam wants to speak up about where he goes, but that’s Masked Bagger-related, and he has to keep it a secret.

CUT TO: Vince Beckett is outside, about to throw away fruit remains into the compost. He’s angry and talking to himself.

Vince Beckett: How dare Tincher force me to work today? I am Vince Beckett, and I had plans. He has no right to make me work. Something needs to be done about that maroon.

Vince sees a ladder standing in front of the compost and steps up on it. He lifts the lid and looks down, noticing the fruit and vegetable remains are starting to boil. Vince is fascinated and a little frightened. Within a few seconds, they all melt into liquid form.

Vince Beckett: Hmm, that’s peculiar.

Ignoring the strange happenings, Vince reaches down and picks up the trash can with the leftover fruit and veggies, and watches them melt. A weird feeling comes over Vince. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the ladder, causing Vince to fall forward - right into the compost. He makes a splash, stays under for only a few seconds, burns, and quickly crawls out. He drops to the ground and lies there in agony. His flesh is starting to mutate.

 

Vince Beckett: (quietly) Help… me.

CUT TO: Later in the day. Adam is depressed and bagging for a customer.

Customer #1: I have my own bags.

Adam Hauck: I wasn’t going to say it, but you DO… right under your eyes.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a different customer. He’s almost finished bagging the order in plastic bags. The customer looks down at him and says…

Customer #2: I wanted them bagged in paper sacks!

Adam Hauck: And I want to lose my virginity. We don’t always get what we want. However, had you asked for paper sacks before I started bagging, you might have gotten them.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a different customer.

Customer #3: Oh, I brought my own bags.

Adam Hauck: You are aware that we provide bags for you, right? You don’t need to bring your own. It’s like if I joined the military and was about to be given weapons, and said “No, thanks. I brought my own guns.” They wouldn’t be too happy with that. Or if I go out to a restaurant and a waiter comes over and asks me what I want, and I say “I’m good. I brought my own food.” Then I whip out a pizza and start eating it. No.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting in the manager’s office with Professor Tincher - who besides being Masked Bagger’s mentor, is the store manager.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I don’t know. As a superhero, you’re doing a great job. You faced your fears and battled big birds and saved the day. As a bagger, however…

Adam Hauck: I was a bagger for a really long time at my old store. I’m just tired. Plus, I don’t see why I have to bag at all. Shouldn’t I focus all my energy on fighting crime and saving lives?

Professor Tincher: Have you even read a single comic book at all?

Adam Hauck: Yes, and that’s back when it made me an outcast. Now it’s “the cool thing to do”. What’s your point?

Professor Tincher: Superheroes lead double lives. They have secret identities to protect the loved ones around them. Also, they’re vigilantes, so they don’t want the police to know where they live.

Adam Hauck: Okay, look. I’m not gonna lie. I want to impress Katie. I can’t do that when I have to pretend to be scared so that she doesn’t suspect who I really am.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry about that. Honestly, though, I don’t see how you’d even have time for a relationship. You’re on call 24/7. You get in a relationship with her and then when I need you, you’ll ignore me because you’ll both be at the mall, and she’ll need you to walk next to her, carrying her purse, and repeatedly telling her how beautiful she is. (raising his voice) Your first responsibility is to this store as the Masked Bagger!

Adam Hauck: Calm down, Professor. Besides, Katie doesn’t seem to be into me, so you don’t have anything to worry about.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry. Now let’s get back to why you’re in here - for being rude to customers. *You* know I won’t fire you because of your other persona, but just think of how it looks to other people when you’re making wise-cracks and insulting customers and I don’t do anything about it. You must act as though you are one of them, able to lose your job at any time.

Adam Hauck: Fine. I get it. Though it won’t be as much fun. Oh, by the way, why is Mickey Tork Employee of the Month? Shouldn’t it be Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: I agree with you. However, I don’t pick the employee. Our Inclusion Team does. Mickey, though, does excellent work and if he keeps it up, one day will be sitting in *this* chair… or a chair like it, but still in this office.

Adam Hauck: (uninterested) Uh-huh. Maybe if we fake an attack on the Inclusion Team and Masked Bagger “rescues” them? That way they would be more willing to vote for him.

Professor Tincher: No.

CUT TO: Vince Beckett is sitting in the produce cooler with the lights out. The fruits and vegetables in the room are all slightly rumbling.

Vince Beckett: (calmly) I’m a freak now, and it is all Tincher’s fault. I told him I needed the day off, but he made me work. He will soon learn what a mistake that was.

CUT TO: A few minutes later. Katie walks into the produce back room. It appears to be empty. Little does she know Beckett is in the cooler, hatching a plan to destroy Tincher.

Katie Collins: Hello. Anyone in here? I’m doing a price check.

Katie notices a watermelon sitting on the counter start to slowly wobble. It builds up speed and goes faster and faster before rolling off the counter and hitting the floor - SPLAT!

Katie Collins: That’s weird.

Suddenly, an orange flies past her from one end of the room to the next. She watches, frightened, as a peach also flies past her. Then an apple flies by and actually hits her on the arm. It stings. Katie runs away and makes it to the front office where she grabs the phone to make a page on the intercom.

CUT TO: Adam and Tincher are still in the manager’s office. They hear Katie on the intercom.

Katie Collins: (Voice-over) Masked Bagger! Masked Bagger is needed in produce. Hurry up!

Adam Hauck: That’s Katie! She needs me!

Professor Tincher: She needs the Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: Uh, spoiler alert, I *am* the Masked Bagger!

Professor Tincher: Okay, you missed the point. Just go.

Adam Hauck: Good call. It’s morphin’ time!

Adam stands there, in morphing position. Tincher is concerned.

Professor Tincher: You realize you can’t just morph? You have to actually put on the costume yourself.

Adam Hauck: Right. Well, it would be quicker, though, if I had morphing abilities. Something to think about, Professor.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks around produce but doesn’t see anything alarming. He then goes over to the back room, opens the door and walks inside. Behind him - the produce cooler. In front of him - a row of fifty limes, floating in the air, level to his face.

Masked Bagger: Um, hello.

Suddenly, the first lime is hurled at Masked Bagger’s face and hits him.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey, what’s going on?

Another lime throws itself at our hero and another and another. They move at a fast pace. A few hit him but the Masked Bagger decides to dodge the rest. He feels stupid that he didn’t think to dodge sooner. Suddenly, Beckett steps out of the produce cooler. However, he’s not recognizable as Vince Beckett. That’s because he’s not Vince Beckett anymore. He is now… the Pineapple-Man! Masked Bagger turns around and is face to face with his very first super villain.

Pineapple-Man: My, my. If it isn’t the superhero of Kroger. What’s your name again?

Masked Bagger: Masked Bagger… but you knew that.

Pineapple-Man: Indeed, I did. Would you like to know my name?

Masked Bagger: Fruit Freak?

Pineapple-Man: That is what I am. That is not my name. I am the Pineapple-Man and you will find me to be your worst nightmare.

Masked Bagger: You know, once Vince Beckett returns and finds you in his produce department, he’s gonna be *your* worst nightmare.

Pineapple-Man: You fool. Beckett is dead.

Masked Bagger: What?

Pineapple-Man: There was an accident at the compost and from his ashes, I was born. I am the Pineapple-Man!

Masked Bagger: I already know your name.

Pineapple-Man: Yes, but it felt like a more organic moment to reveal it than before. I was hoping you had forgotten I said it earlier.

Masked Bagger: I hadn’t.

Pineapple-Man: By the way, pineapples are buy one…

Pineapple-Man raises his right arm, and using telekinesis on fruit, hurls a pineapple at Masked Bagger. It hits his chest.

Pineapple-Man: … Get one free!

That pariah from produce raises his left arm and once again, using telekinesis, throws a pineapple at the Masked Bagger, hitting him in the face. He falls back and lands on his butt.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! What’s your problem?

Pineapple-Man: I’m standing here, talking to you, when I have something else I need to do. Be gone, Bagger. I’m sure we’ll finish this up at a later time.

Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: I’m going, but not because you told me to, but rather because my nose is starting to bleed and I need to take care of that.

Masked Bagger leaves the produce back room.

CUT TO: In the basement laboratory. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are discussing what happened.

Professor Tincher: And you walked away?

Masked Bagger: I had to.

Professor Tincher: What, did he sprout wings and a beak?

Masked Bagger: Don’t even joke about that, and no. He just has this way about him. I felt like it was just best to leave and come back later… like after my nose stopped bleeding.

Professor Tincher: Needless to say, I’m disappointed, Adam. Beckett is now a super villain. You have to take him down, not walk away from him.

Masked Bagger: Fine. I’ll go back. I’ll get him. I just hope he doesn’t hit me in the face with fruit again.

Professor Tincher: Bring Beckett in alive. We’ll incarcerate him down here.

Masked Bagger: Why? I mean, he’s evil.

Professor Tincher: I’m working to rehabilitate all the super villains. They were - at one time - regular people. If there’s a chance that we can return them to their previous selves, then as decent human beings, we must try.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I get it.

Masked Bagger turns around and starts to walk away.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) Oh, and don’t embarrass yourself this time. Make me proud I chose you to defend our store.

Masked Bagger: (still walking away) Eh, whatever happens, happens.

CUT TO: The front-end. Katie and Mickey are bagging. Masked Bagger walks past them on his way to produce.

Mickey Tork: (to Katie) Hey, it’s the Masked Bagger!

Katie Collins: Something’s about to go down and look who’s not here… Adam. He’s probably hiding scared again.

Angry that Katie is badmouthing Adam, Masked Bagger stops and turns around.

Masked Bagger: Katie, Adam is on his break upstairs. He has no clue what’s about to happen.

Katie Collins: What’s about to happen?

Masked Bagger: I’m about to slice a pineapple, so to speak.

Mickey Tork: May as well slice two. They’re buy one get one free, you know?

Masked Bagger: (he winces) I know.

The hero of 717 turns around and continues walking to produce where Pineapple-Man is out in the open. Customers walk by, thinking he’s a mascot or something. They haven’t a clue he’s evil. The Masked Bagger comes up to him and stops.

Masked Bagger: I’m back and this time you’re coming with me.

Pineapple-Man: You amuse me, Bagger, because I most certainly am not going with you.

Masked Bagger: We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I must warn you, though, I have a cart strap and I’m NOT afraid to use it.

Pineapple-Man: I have telekinesis over produce. I win.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, well, whatever. Can we just hurry this up? I’m hungry. It’s pizza time.

Pineapple-Man: I’m a little hungry myself. Though, I prefer pineapples.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, isn’t that cannibalism?

Pineapple-Man: Let’s end this now.

Suddenly, there’s a rumbling as all fruits and vegetables from the refrigerated case along the walls start to shake. They are all lifted from the shelving and are floating in mid-air. This includes packaged fruits and bottled beverages. Pineapple-Man has his arms in the air and as he moves them forward, hundreds of the different fruits and vegetables act as a tidal wave, heading towards Masked Bagger. He turns around to run off.

 

Masked Bagger: Mama said there’d be days like this!

He starts to run and decides to warn the others.

Masked Bagger: Stampede! Everybody out!

Seeing the oncoming fruits and veggies, all of the customers from up front clear the area. Katie and Mickey, however, decide to hide out in the front office. The produce continues to be hurled at our hero, the majority of it is on the floor, rolling towards him.

Masked Bagger: And everybody told me my daily cheeseburgers were gonna kill me. But *this* is how I got out… a fruit stampede! Okay, one-liners are only fun if someone hears me saying them, also if they were funny, that’d be great, too.

The 717 Guardian runs over, gets on a register and stands there, while fruits and veggies storm past him on the floor, like a raging sea. A head of lettuce flies up and hits him on the stomach.

Masked Bagger: I never *was* good at dodge ball. Dang it, I can’t stop with the one-liners. At least they’re not corny like in “Batman & Robin”. These are more organic. Okay, “corny” and “organic” both have to do with produce. Just an observation.

In all the chaos, Masked Bagger doesn’t realize Pineapple-Man has walked away - headed for the manager’s office. Once he’s at a far enough distance, all of it suddenly stops. His telekinetic powers only work at a close range. After things have calmed down, Masked Bagger looks over at the front office and spots Katie and Mickey.

Masked Bagger: Are you two okay?

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Are you gonna protect us?

Masked Bagger: That’s the plan.

Katie Collins: By the way, we heard what you said up there. Do you always talk to yourself?

Masked Bagger: Only when I think I’m alone.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his office. Pineapple-Man walks into the room and sneaks a floating watermelon past Tincher. It hovers over the Professor’s head, though he is unaware of it.

Pineapple-Man: We’ve worked together a long time, Stan. Too long.

Professor Tincher: Vince! I heard about your transformation. Maybe there’s something we can do to get you back to the way you were.

Pineapple-Man: If I was back to the way I was, then I wouldn’t be able to do this…

The watermelon over the Professor drops. It hits Tincher on the head and knocks him out.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the basement lab. It’s empty. Adam starts to talk, thinking Tincher’s in there, somewhere.

Adam Hauck: Professor, I started to fight him but he snuck off. Professor? Hmm, he must be in the office.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the manager’s office. It’s also empty, but he notices the watermelon on the floor. This worries him.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is tied up, sitting on a chair in a secret side room of the produce cooler. Pineapple-Man is there.

Professor Tincher: What are you gonna do?

Pineapple-Man: I have been working on my technique. I’ve been getting better. I have control over any fruit and vegetable around me. I can throw an onion at your chest so fast, it will stop your heart from beating, resulting in your death.

Professor Tincher: What is this about, Beckett?

Pineapple-Man: Beckett? You killed him. I am here to avenge him.

Professor Tincher: I didn’t kill him.

Pineapple-Man: He needed the day off. YOU made him work. Had Beckett not been here, he wouldn’t have had the “accident” that caused him to turn into the freak I am now. The funny thing is, I like who I am now better. I still have to kill you. It’s all a part of the new persona.

Professor Tincher: Needless to say, Beckett, you’re fired!

Pineapple-Man hurls an onion at Tincher’s chest. It hurts, but bounces off and lands on the floor. Tincher is alive.

Pineapple-Man: Ha-ha, it’s not time to die yet!

CUT TO: Katie is in the breakroom, texting. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: Katie! Have you seen Profes, er, uh, Mr. Tincher?

Katie ignores him. She is, after all, in the middle of a text.

Adam Hauck: Kind of important.

Katie Collins: Wait a second.

She finishes her text and looks up at Adam.

Katie Collins: Okay, what?

Adam Hauck: (sighs) Have you seen Mr. Tincher?

Katie Collins: No.

Adam Hauck: That’s it? Just “no”?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take your attitude out of this room.

Adam Hauck: I’m afraid something has happened to him.

Mickey Tork enters.

Mickey Tork: What’s up, Adam?

Adam Hauck: Um, the store is being taken over by fruit.

Mickey Tork: (laughs) Now there’s something you don’t hear every day.

Adam Hauck: How are you two even able to take a break right now?

Katie Collins: It’s dead down there. The stampeding fruit ran off all the customers. It probably scared off Tincher, too. I’m proud of you for staying, Puddin’.

Adam blushes, then gets full of himself.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, well. I had to stay to make sure you’re okay.

Mickey and Katie both laugh at Adam for being a dork.

Adam Hauck: (groans) Gotta go.

CUT TO: Adam is back in the basement lab, sitting at Tincher’s desk, wondering what to do.

Adam Hauck: If I did my job right the first time, this never would have happened. Tincher’s life is in danger because I’m a screw up. I don’t know what to do. How am I gonna find him? I wish there was some way I could have monitored everyone in the store, and play back the footage. Then I could track him down.

It sinks in.

Adam Hauck: The monitors! I’ll watch the monitors and see what happened!

Adam turns to his right, where a monitor is sitting on a desk. He looks at the screen and searches for footage of Pineapple-Man and Professor Tincher. After a few minutes, he finds it. He spots Pineapple-Man - who’s carrying Professor Tincher - all the way to produce. Adam suits up, once again wearing his Masked Bagger outfit. He looks over and sees a holster with a spray bottle and what looks like a gun.

Masked Bagger: Hold on, Professor. I’m coming!

He puts the holster on and runs upstairs.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is searching in the produce back room but doesn’t see them anywhere. He enters the cooler but it’s empty. Looking more closely, our hero spots a tiny knob on the wall. He takes a chance and pulls it. Just as he suspected! It’s a doorway, leading to another room.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man is still messing with Tincher.

Pineapple-Man: I’m doing you a favor by killing you. I’m going to reunite you with your wife and son.

Professor Tincher: My son is still alive.

Pineapple-Man: Missing for six years? How much you want to bet that he’s still alive?

Professor Tincher: Shut up!

Masked Bagger quietly enters, though none of the other occupants of the room know it yet.

Pineapple-Man: If you’re expecting the Masked Bagger to rescue you, expect something else, because that will not happen.

Masked Bagger: Expect the unexpected, Piney!

Pineapple-Man: No.

Masked Bagger: Yep!

Pineapple-Man: No, I mean “Piney” will not be my nickname. That’s ridiculous.

Masked Bagger: That’s why I like it. I’ve gotta put you in your place. You’re a man, who’s a pineapple, plus, a bully. *That’s* ridiculous.

Pineapple-Man: Shut it, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Let’s fight!

Masked Bagger takes his spray bottle out of its holster and begins spraying Pineapple-Man in the face. After a few seconds, the pompous pariah blocks it with his hand.

Pineapple-Man: A mere distraction, Bagger.

A cantaloupe bashes into our hero’s hand, knocking the spray bottle to the floor. Pineapple-Man gets close to Masked Bagger and punches him in the face. He falls down but gets right back up. Pineapple-Man takes another swing at him. This time, Masked Bagger ducks, missing the villain’s intended punch, then with his right hand, takes a swing himself and lands a blow on Pineapple-Man’s jaw. The pompous pariah falls back slightly.

Masked Bagger: Punch me once, shame on you. Punch me twice… well please don’t punch me twice!

The evil fruit man retaliates with a speeding apple in our hero’s direction. Masked Bagger steps out of the way and within seconds, another one flies towards him. He dodges that one as well. He slips a plastic Kroger bag out of his pocket. This time, five apples at once are headed for the guardian of 717. Yep, you guessed it. He catches each of them in the bag. He’s out of breath.

Masked Bagger: I need to work out more. This is exhausting!

The magnificent man in the mask gets out his cart strap and attaches the bag of apples to the end of it.

Masked Bagger: Yes, I get it. You can throw fruit without using your hands! I’m impressed. Now why don’t you…

Catching “Piney” off guard, Masked Bagger reveals his cart strap with the bag of apples at the end of it, and twirls it in the air a few times, as if he was a lassoin’ cowboy. He then smacks the pompous pariah in the face with the apples. As Pineapple-Man holds his face, recovering from the pain, Masked Bagger sneaks up behind him and wraps the cart strap around the villain’s neck. He pulls it tight, bringing Piney down to his knees. The baddie is gasping for air.

Professor Tincher: Don’t kill him!

Masked Bagger: I’m not planning to. I just got in over my head and I have no clue what to do next.

Professor Tincher: Take your bag-gun out of its holster and shoot him with it.

Masked Bagger: Oh, is that what it is? I just thought you were really pushing the Second Amendment.

Masked Bagger takes the bag-gun and aims it at Pineapple-Man. He pulls the trigger and a bag wraps around the villain. He’s been captured. Masked Bagger saved the day again! He goes over to the Professor and unties him.

Professor Tincher: Job well done, Adam!

Masked Bagger: Uh, Mr. Tincher, I have an identity to keep secret. You can’t call me “Adam” while I’m in my costume.

Professor Tincher: Right. What was I thinking? (smiles) You know, as the Masked Bagger, you get to fight and defeat Pineapple-Man. As Adam Hauck, you get to clean up the mess he made throughout the store.

Masked Bagger: Well, now I’m wondering if I did the right thing, saving your life.

Adam smiles. They both laugh.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man is sitting alone in the basement prison cell.

Pineapple-Man: This isn’t over, Bagger! I will have my revenge! Next time, I will chop you up and put you on a fruit tray and serve you to customers! Well, that sounds nasty. Maybe I won’t do *that*, but I will certainly do something devious!

CUT TO: Adam walks into the laboratory. Professor Tincher is down there, waiting for him.

Adam Hauck: You wanted me, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Yes. I wanted to talk to you about why it’s important to keep your identity as the Masked Bagger a secret.

Adam Hauck: Look, it’s not important. I was just venting earlier.

Professor Tincher: It *is* important. You see, you aren’t the first Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What?

Professor Tincher: Twenty years ago, someone else used that guise to fight evil inside a Kroger store, but once the secret got out, something grizzly happened.

Adam Hauck: What are you talking about? Who was this other Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: Me.

Adam looks shocked.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!