Picking Dandelions

A sentimental poem about a little girl picking flowers for her sick mum.

“Those aint flowers”, my brother laughs,

 looking at me like I’m daft

 as I proudly hold the posy in my hand.

“That’s not a proper flower, and they aren’t a proper present, you don’t get it,” but he doesn’t understand.

He didn’t see, you see, 

the bother and the fear that I suffered to grab the little blooms.

He doesn’t spot the small tear forming on my small face 

as he turns and goes back into his room.

I found these sparks of gold by the wasteland near the road where the cars and the lorries all zoom by,

Where I risked every bone and I wanted to go home and I was worried that I was going to die.

And as each car came past, I feared it was the last time that I would breathe again.

Through each lorry’s fearful roar, I just kept on picking more ‘cos I’d be finished and I’d be happy then.

These dandelions for Mum, they look like the sun and they shine like she does when she’s well.

They will bring their bright new life, and despite the doctor’s knife, Mum will smile because they’re from her little girl.

When they die, which will be soon, they will turn into the moon and softly and silently flit away.

She’ll will be left with stalks and water but because they’re from her daughter, she’ll keep them there day after day.

My mum will understand, as I hold her pale limp hand and I put them in the cup beside her bed

The dandelions, you see, are not just dandelions to me, they are my praise that though she’s ill - she is not dead.

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

You should be consistent in punctuation. Opt out altogether, or put all the apostrophes in. I know. Minimalist, right? Keep out the periods and sh!t. It really works. But "ain't" is in deficit of a serious apostrophe. This next line is such a banality that it actually works, only because it's the only banal thing about this whole thing:"He didn’t see, you see,". I found these sparks of gold by the wasteland near the road where the cars and the lorries all zoom by," is a touch of brilliance on your end. The "and" in "And as each car came past.." runs the phonemes on, like a stack of beats. You need a complete stop. I'm fairly certain it would perfect the next line and add connotation that it could be lacking. "They will bring their bright new life, and despite the doctor’s knife, Mum will smile because they’re from her little girl." is great. Wow. Wow. W.o.w. Typo:"She’ll will be left..." A few purposed comma splices running throughout, but you can keep them. I'm not speaking in any sort of imperative here. It is used in modern poetic conventions. Considered acceptable. I just don't like them. I'm not a traditionalist, but I don't like comma splices in generally. I like smooth flow, full stops, and clear beat that anyone can pick up on, you know? The last line, save for the comma splice, is stunning. I'm really dying of sorrowful cuteness overload because of this poem. Thanks for posting! I can relate to its theme VERY personally. Props.

[Alicia Beavis]

"small tear forming on my small face " - you could cut one of the 'small's' in my opinion.

Fantastic rhythm in places that just leaves the lines flowing effortlessly from one to the other. The use of imagery, particularly the dandelions, was great and made this piece pretty stellar.

Nicely penned!

[Rae Elizabeth]

Beautiful write.
Thank you for this.

[sienikeha]

"..left with stalks and water"
this line in and of itself tells the tale.

[zainul]

I adore you Adam.
You make me cry.
You may find a boy doing the same with his mother in my poem,The Farmhouse.
Lovely work.

[Dean Kuch®]

A wonderful tribute to one's sick mother, my friend. Sometimes in life, it's the "little things" we give those we truly cherish and love that are most appreciated. Good work!