A chance

A prisoner & a Jailer... Lost we are in this vortex.

A round after another, the wheels of the small bus masked the cheek of the narrow asphalt, whispering the burden of its weary and mummified passengers.

Another round! The city still sleepy from the long December night and the bus stops sporadically to spit out a passenger and swallows another.

- ‘A blessed Friday, everybody!’

A passenger said into the void, nobody was listening. All passengers were lost and pondering at a void that fills their time.

Some guy sat beside me and unfolded his newspaper, and whenever he opened a new page he blocked my vision.

I gave him a harsh gaze; he apologized then grumbled that the news are the same in every page, and the government’s denial about raising prices forebodes an inevitable disaster.

- ‘Emigration to Canada is now possible! Oh boy, Visas for the competent! Seize the chance!’ He read out loud, paused then added:

‘I wish this chance comes once in a life time, where the land of freedom and respect for humans’.

He folded the sprawling papers of his newspaper, grabbed his stuff and stood to leave, but he remembered something and came back to his seat, right next to me, and grabbed a small cage from under the seat.

The bus stopped, he circled around himself, then decided to wait for the next stop. However, he could not find a seat so he stood in front of me carrying his newspaper in a hand and the cage in the other. Between both of them lies a bold bird, with very few scattered feathers to cover his small body, he just lay there motionlessly.

- ‘A canary bird! It chirps beautifully, I brought it today to entertain my kids’ the guys said as he held the cage up and smiled.

I didn’t mind him and kept staring at the bird in its cage, but the man threw the newspaper down, reached out for the bird and grabbed it out of the cage in one clutch.

I sighed of relief and reckoned he will set the bird to the wind, however he laughed out loud and returned the bird to its prison once again.

- ‘Won’t you release the bird?’ I said with an intense feeling of throwing up tickling my throat.

He smiled and said without even looking at me:

‘But it cannot fly; I have plucked his feathers and tail’.

A round after another, and the bus wheels thrashed the long road disregarding the rain that was pelting down mournfully over the glass, and the howl of the wind forebode a nigh storm.

Clouds outside, black abscesses covering the face of the sky and leaving little room for any blue spots, while on the other side, a flock of migratory birds seized the chance and decided to leave.

Author's Note

This is a story written by 'Nael A'-Odwan' a jordanian storyteller.
It was written in Arabic language, but I translated it to English.

I will appreciate any comment about the idea and the language itself,

Reviews

[DarkRainbowPie]

-''A passenger said into the void...'' There should be a comma after the word 'said', I believe.
-''All passengers were pondering at a void...'' It should read 'pondering a void', remove the word 'at'.
-''...the news are the same in every page.'' It should read 'the news is the same on every page'.
-''...read out loud, paused then added.'' There should be a comma after the word 'paused', I believe.
-''I wish this chance comes once in a life time, where the land of freedom and respect for humans.'' It should read 'I think this chance comes once in a life time; to go to the land of freedom and respect for humans.''
-''...carrying his newspaper in a hand...'' It should read 'in one hand'.
-''...he just lay there motionlessly.'' Change the word 'motionlessly' to 'motionless.'
-''...the guys said...'' I think it should say 'guy' instead of 'guys', here.
-''...the long road disregarding the train...'' There should be a comma after 'road', here.

They are the main points of error that I found when reading this. Other than those, I have to say you did a great job at translating this! Apart from that, it's an interesting piece of writing, very unusual. I'd like to read it again once you have corrected the issues outlined above. :)

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you for the feedback, its much appreciated.
As I told everybody earlier, I have not managed the punctuation matter yet.
but thank you for pointing the other things out!

[DarkRainbowPie]

Not a problem! :)

[SOUL LESS]

The story is great. The translation is pretty good except for the punctuation and a few grammatical errors. Nothing much. And there was one painful moment when i read "Some guy sat beside me". The rest of the story is proper English. This piece of Americanism spoils the effect. Great job!

[Ohhhwillow]

Phenomenal description, rich in metaphor and lush language. My only criticism would be punctuation - as in, you should make note to use it more often! It can break up sentences to allow flow in the right places. However this is great for a translation especially. Well done!!!

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you very much, Willow
I always appreciate your honest comments. The story was translated and the original punctuation was used initially. The next step is to write the punctuation in English language standards and I am on that at the moment.

Thank you for pointing that out.

[Mehak Mushtaq]

I liked the language and the narration. I am no professional so, I can not give you any instructions as a writer but I can give you a review as a reader. You've translated skilfully. I like the idea of the story too. Well done.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you, Mehak.
You are being so humble.

[Sami Khalil]

Wow. This was wonderful along with your translation skills...Thank you for sharing this man and your talent...:)....................

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you, Sami.
I very much appreciate the time you took to read this and your feedback as well.

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure...I like the analogy of asphalt ...

"the wheels of the small bus masked the cheek of the narrow asphalt, whispering the burden of its weary and mummified passengers."

[Sultan Ratrout]

Perfect translation in terms of language , word choice and structures. There are few mistakes in punctuation. I am still reading it