Sonnet XI – The window’s scars

Stop domestic violence!

Watching raindrops torture the window pane,

And descending marring its lucid face,

As she fondles her scars, her grief and bane,

And a tear cried over her mourning face.

 

She walks back to her room and on her bed,

She sits in her blue over-sized sweater.

It gives her warm refuge, a sense long fled,

In her grey rue, waits for her torturer.

 

Once loving hubby is now a murderer,

She sometimes consoles herself with the white,

First pages of their life, now sinister.

He comes, shouts her name and she roils in fright

 

She opened the window and rode the wind

And ran away to wherever it might end

 

 

 

Author's Note

I was really tired today, but something made me write this, so please tell me if you feel it needs editing or has week imagery or style.

Reviews

[Naomi Bloom]

First paragraph: "And a tear cried over her mourning face." I don't think tears can cry. :P I think "And a tear dripped down her mourning face" or something like that would be better.

Second paragraph: "blue over-seized sweater" should be "blue over-sized sweater."

Last paragraph: "she opened the window and rides the wind" should be "she opened the window and rode the wind". You have past and present tense there which is confusing.

Aside from the small typos I found this is gorgeous. Very subtle and sad. I loved the complex vocabulary you used to describe the woman's pain. I liked the way you described their past before he became abusive as "the white, first pages of their life."

It was nice that you gave the story a happy ending with the final couplet.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

O thank you Naomi for pointing those typos... I have a horrid headache and barely walking.
But the first one I'll keep as is, simply an intensifier

[KeeD]

I love your message in the description. The poem tells a story, it could have ended in her escaping the tortures of her married life.. by committing suicide or by running away,escaping never looking back.. it leaves room for individual interpretation and that's amazing.. Loved it. Domestic violence is cowardly and i'm strongly against it.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Glad to hear so, brother!
we all should be!

[s y e]

Wow, the words you used were really quite powerful. It made an impact.
' Watching raindrops torture the window pane'
One of my favorite lines. This was great! Well done!

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you, Noodle!
Very flattered :)

[s y e]

No worries!! :-)

[Lonesome Traveler]

Ahh the first verse is so heartfelt, so grief-stricken, so painful. Thanks for sharing

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you!
I am so tired today as I wrote this
Do you think its good enough?

[Lonesome Traveler]

I really like the first two verses. I think maybe it weakens a bit in the third, but I like the dreamy imagery at the end : "She opened the window and rides the wind, And ran away to wherever it might end"

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

I see! thank you so much for your feedback... Much appreciated!

[Dalia]

the overall review is : brilliant
excellent choice of theme and title as usual
but I found the first four lines the strongest, spectacular.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

thank you, Dalia

[Dalia]

welcome