Twinkle, twinkle little star

My own version of the all-famous poem

Part I

Twinkle, twinkle little star!
Oh I wonder where you are.
As I sit and cry at night,
Peering high up for your light.

Twinkle, twinkle on my tears!

Please wash away all my fears!

Help me out this dreary cell,

From the pit of this dark well.

I am tired, lone and sad,
From all sorrows I once had.
Help me rise my head again!
Rejoice and forget my pain!

I just want to laugh once more,
To let hope clear up my core,
I feel darkness in my heart,
Numbing all my twitching parts.

Amid white angels you sing,
Embraced by their graceful wings,
Take me away, up so far,
Where I'll find my twinkling star!

Twinkle, twinkle by the moon!
Until joys within me bloom,
I sit here alone and wait,
I beg you just don’t be late!

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky…

 

Part II

Twinkling star oh where are you?
Why did you leave me so blue?
I waited here for so long,
Like a shade of a sad song.

You have promised to save me,
Break my chains and set me free,
But I'm still sad and alone,
Trapped amid unending moans.

Why my fate is always black?
Why can't love bedight my track?
Please if you can still hear me;
Take my life eternally.

Spare my heart from misery,
From the bounds of slavery,
Earth has no happiness left,
Will heaven too be bereft?'

And in her cries of despair,
Shone from up a tiny glare,
Twinkled on her face and tears,
Calmed down all her seething fears.

And when she opened her eyes,
Saw an angel white and nice,
Held her soul in his embrace,
Flew to heaven, flew to grace.

'God has heard your forlorn wails,
And all your sad weeping tales,
He has sent me to aid thee,
With his unbounded mercy.

Such pure soul deserves a rest,
From sadness dreary infest,
Hold on to me, let us fly,
Where you won't anymore cry.'

'Twinkle, twinkle little star,
Oh now you are not that far!
Up above the world so high,
Like two diamonds you and I'

Author's Note

Which is better? this or the classic?

Reviews

[Muse]

What an interesting and creative spin on a child-hood classic. I don't pay much attention to rhyme and/or syllable count...but it still needs to read smoothly. When one tries to rewrite a song..unfortunately it's harder to break the rules of poetry because you have to find a similiar rhythm, or it feels broken when read aloud. Anyways...good first stab. You have some really good lines in there...but I would suggest that you focus on the rhythm and grammar a bit more. Nice work.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you, Muse
I'd really appreciate it if you pointed the "rhythm and grammar" flaws
Because most of of those who read it said nothing about this, also its written on a perfect 7 syllables meter! with slight crosses sometimes but still fits the original rhythm! Whoever tried to sing this conformed that

[Muse]

I am tired, lone and sad, "alone"

Help me out this blackening cell,
8 sylls...if you want to do 7 you must be exact all the way through.

you asked. ;)

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

For your first comment, lone serves the meaning fully!

And for 'Blackening' I guess you are right! I am australian and when writing this I did by pronounce, when we say it, it sounds as 2 syllables!
Corrected now :)
Thanks

[Muse]

ha ha ha no prob...much luv.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this is good in its own way...of course darker.

i think "joys within me bloom" is easier on the tongue...and as the original, hopeful at the end.

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thanks for the tip, Jacob
Couldn't agree more!

[sue]

loved the new version of twinkle twinkle little star. Oh dear I will be singing this instead of the original in my head lol

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you, Sue! I am truly humbled

[Naomi Bloom]

1st paragraph: "As I set and cry at night"... Do you mean "as I sit and cry at night"?

5th paragraph: "Where I'll find my twinkle star" should be "Where I'll find my twinkling star."

The wording in the sixth paragraph confused me. Also, "I set here alone and wait" should be "I sit here alone and wait."

I liked the line "I feel darkness in my heart / numbing all my twitching parts." It seemed sexually suggestive... haha.

This is an interesting way to re-write that classic song. I like your idea. However, I think you need to match the rhythm of the song a bit better. Try singing the lines you have written to the original tune and re-write anything that is awkward to sing. Each line should have 7 syllables.

Eg. "Twin-kle twin-kle lit-tle star" (7 syllables)

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you, Naomi!
You made me realize I accidentally uploaded the draft!! may bad!
I'll edit it
"It seemed sexually suggestive" o.O I can't see that!

[Naomi Bloom]

Haha no problem.

[GorgEOus NiGhtMarE]

I think i liked this one way more then the origonal. You have recreated the childhood lullaby so much more. Adding meaning and and depth to it. :)

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Thank you very much!
I treasure this testimony

[Angela ☄️]

I honestly like this version better, what a remix to the original classic! :) It shows alot of pain and sadness. I can really relate to something like this. Its pure darkened beauty. :)

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

O thank you angel
Very pleased and flattered to hear so

[Angela ☄️]

Your welcome. :D