Cat Tales #4: Spay This, Bizz-Natch

Stella gets spayed. Originally posted 8/07.

 

August 15^th, 2007 A.D.C. 

 

 

 

Entry #4: Spay This, Bizz-natch!

Ok, let the gender wars begin.

Most of the days during the week, Two Legs disappears in the morning for what seems like forever. During that time, Alo and I do a multitude of things. Now, I know you’re reading this, Two Legs, so don’t freak out. I really don’t know where that piece of paper with a face on it went.

(Poster’s Note: Liar. Give me back my twenty dollars)

A majority of the time, Alo and I sleep. He curls up in the bathtub, which is moderately cool, but not nearly as cool as my perch: the sink. One point for the females, thank you very much. Moving on. When we’re not sleeping we’re usually playing or exploring or reading a magazine or surfing the world wide web or downloading pictures of hot tomcats from the Playcat website.

(Poster’s Note: There is no such website. No .com or .org. There is a weird .net website but I don’t speak German)

By the way, I have a feeling Two Legs is going to put a note after the website’s name. I swear, if he interrupts one more time, he better look inside his shoe before he puts it on next time.

(Poster’s Note: Sorry Stella. Please continue) 

Where was I? Oh, right. Our daytime activities. All I’m saying is that we do more than just sleep. But that’s all I’m saying. So anyway. I was thinking back to when I got spayed and how much that sucked. Alo laughed, said my crying had no effect on him. He says Two Legs was just another emotional chump. He said Two Legs and Beautiful (who is sadly no longer around anymore but we’ll get to that later) were just “pigeons for your stool,” which could mean several things, if you think about it.

So I asked what happened to him and he told me. Now, I will say this: Alo has a damn funny story about the few days after he was neutered but I want him to tell it. I told him he should write it down but he thinks he’s not much of a writer. I told him he might feel better about his writing if he read Two Legs’ stuff. Sorry, Pops. It’s just not my bag. Nevertheless, I think and hope Alo writes that story down. If you want to read it, let me know. I’ll tell him.

Alo’s experience was nothing. All they did was a little snip here, a little snip there and voila! a cat with no manhood. Like he had some before, right girls? My experience, on the other hand, was beyond horrible. I’ve been able to move on but only with the assistance of intense self-flagellation therapy and a few scattered ‘Nip Trips (see Entry #3).

I was taken in on a rainy morning. I looked at the two of them and tried to plead with them to take me home, that I’ll be good I promise, but they didn’t. Well, the next thing I know it’s like I’ve been abducted by aliens or some other running-through-a-field-with-a-big-a*s-dog-chasing-me nightmare. Ever had those? Not cool, right? So they set me down on a silver, chilly table and stick me in the back with something. They tell me to count backwards from ten to one then laugh at an obvious inside joke but I have no idea what “ten to one” even means, let alone how to count forwards.

Next thing I know, I’m waking up in a cage and my stomach hurts like a son-of-a-b***h. I lift my head up, though I’m a little worried and afraid to look down there. I gather my courage and after a few cries for Two Legs and Beautiful, I look down. My eyes widen as I realize I have a sewn up hole in me. “What the hell happened here?!” I cried out but all I got was some other noises which were anything but human. And it was really dark. I laid my head back down and tried to think of Alo and how strong he would be. I really missed him at that moment.

The next time I woke up there were humans milling about the room, but only one of them that looked familiar. The one in the long white coat was the one that made the inside joke so I immediately had a little problem with her. I didn’t recognize the other ones in blue shirts at all. They looked nice and probably had better breath than Two Legs, though I still wanted to go home. Two Legs finally came and picked me up that day, after a few naps (sans the ‘Nip) and examinations by Dr. I Think I’m Funny With My Inside Jokes. But I’m on to her.

So I get home and what happens? Alo hisses at me. I’m thinking, well that’s not cool. So I pop him in the head with a paw and he turns to run like he wants to play. I start to run after him but all of a sudden I have to scratch my stomach. I bend down and start nibbling away but Two Legs keeps stopping me. It’s really itching up a storm at this point so I pretend for a while that I’ll stop. As soon as either of the humans turned their head, though, let the scratching begin.

The next day, I woke up and had the sensation my stomach was wet. Two Legs did his usual disappearing act in the morning but Beautiful was home. She got really scared when she saw it and immediately threw me in that damn box with bars on it and the next thing I know I’m back on a silver table and there’s this thing around my neck. My stomach still itched but every time I tried to reach it, all I got was what I soon found out was called a collar. It tasted pretty bad, I must say, and my itch was still there.

Two Legs or Beautiful didn’t come for me for what seemed like eternity. When they did come, they only stayed for a little bit, then left without me again. This happened several times. Finally, they brought me home. Alo looked quite pissed that I was back. I don’t even want to think about all the attention he got when I was gone. Anyway. I still had to wear that stupid collar for a while. I heard Two Legs say something about “healing the cut” and “got infected.” All I know is it stung a little bit but itched like a drunk without a drop to drink.

It took me several days to get used to that damn collar. I kept bumping into things and every time could hear Alo snicker. Sometimes, just to be mean, he would drop a toy mouse in my cone, enticing me to play when he knew my vision was temporarily altered. Eating was a chore, too. By the time I had a method down, the humans changed their mind, or something, and took the collar off. I looked down at my stomach, which looked a hell of a lot better than it did, then looked back up at Two Legs to see if he was going to yell at me. He didn’t, so I sniffed. Funny thing was, I didn’t itch anymore. It took the equivalent of three meows of pleasure to get my whiskers re-acclimated to the way things were before my alien abduction and exploration of my insides.

So I tried to tell Alo that my experience lasted a full moon and a half but he still thinks he had it worse. I told him to lay off the ‘Nip. He said get a reproductive system. I said what’s that? He just looked at me, blinked a few times, then walked away. Like I said in an earlier entry, he can be moody sometimes but he’s a pretty cool cat. I still had it worse than him. If Alo decides to write his neutering experience, you decide which was worse.

Ok, this is long enough. My next entry will be more adventure, as trying to catch a bird through a window became both a learning experience and embarrassing. As always, I leave you with some cat-speak.

“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal...it’s also the reason they hate birds.” –K.C. Buffington

Reviews

[K. Aurora]

Oh what a nightmare for a female kitty! The horror of an strange alien exploritory room and those in white and blue coats.
Alo should have been nicer to her.
I feel for her plight with the collar. Those would be horrible if I ever had to wear such a thing.

I loved the quote at the end! it's so true!