Lazarus II

A poem in memory of Chris Watkins. I composed this piece out of comments and ramblings I'd left on Facebook and was written for the candle light vigil being held in his honor tonight in Texas City.

 

I don't know what I could say that hasn't been said already...

 

Since I learned of the accident,

I haven't been able to do anything,

listen to any song, talk to any friend

that hasn't made me think of you.

 

It's been years, but you've always been in my heart...

I guess you know that now.

 

I don't think you could’ve known

just how big a role you actually played in my life.

 

You were the first man I ever loved,

and every one I've attempted to have a relationship with since then

has had to live up to those feelings I first felt with you...

 

You taught me about life & love,

about art & music,

how to kiss & how to cry…

 

Sitting in the floor of your bedroom

listening to you play your keyboard,

sharing my bad poetry,

figuring out who we were

and what we wanted to become...

 

You made me want to be

a bigger, better person.

 

I wish I could tell you that I was...

 

But I'm still the same nervous, unstable, emotional train wreck I was at 17;

Only now, at 25, I'm afraid I've settled for mediocrity…

 

Really selling myself short and taking things like love and friendship for granted.

 

Not anymore.

 

Now that I feel you looking down on me,

seeing all the gory truths of me,

I once again feel that push to be a better person.

 

I'll never quit trying.

 

You were my first...

 

I'll always carry a part of you with me.

I just hope you knew that...

 

Even as I’m writing this, I’m getting angry about it all over again…

 

This is so fucked!

I don’t want to say goodbye!

 

I wish I could brush the hair from your face

and kiss those perfect, pink lips

and wake you up, like I did last time…

 

But I can’t.

 

Lazarus, you found your death…

 

And like I’ve always known, a part of me has died,

like that last day of Summer, as it smoldered outside your blue painted

window pain…

 

Rest in peace

and me in pieces...

 

And know that you are

and always have been

loved.