Obsessive compulsive.

Aged 5 onward.

This is written in the order my brain thinks it because

it is an entry about how I think always 

Sometimes I try to take photographs by Blinking obsessively but I cannot access those so called keepsakes I've stored. I hate looking into peoples eyes and my 

Eyes are always on my feet as I walk

Delay any imminent severe punishment

by wishing it all on me age 42, x1000000 skys full of numbers 

 Could even die

If I don't do this something is going to happen to me, don't make me angry you should already know

I'm watching trains shadows crawl over my walls at night 

Project what I'm doing with the right side onto the left

and the left onto the right

and then start again with left because I started with right at first

and reverse and back and forth til the exhaustion sets in

Touch all surfaces before you sleep or something is going to happen

one two three four fifteen twenty, all the heads

Intrusive, ritualistic, dsymorphic, excoriation 

Shredded cheeks 

Paralyzed by dread and keeping safe rocks and stones they can't defend themselves

I once had a balloon taken from my hands and felt like I deserved to die

as I watched it disappear into the atmosphere 

I need the symmetry. Plagued by rape, death and autopsy before my brain can even

develop fully. My hands are raw. Theres corners I would like to avoid and

this word word word word word to get out of my head

To stop repeating the vile and sick diseases, experiences I've had 

Visions of things that make me sick to my stomach that infiltrate at the most inconvenient times

dread, doubt, rumination.

Need to neutralize

Add obsessive thoughts and suicide and the need to get out of the skin

But it's breakfast time 

 so stop thinking about suicide and pick up your knife and fork 

because it doesnt affect me and therefore won't ever exist

I cannot imagine how relieving it must be to have a blank mind 

because mine is like a minefield blew my brain to the very remnants and I'm walking around on fields of flesh screaming for someone to let me out of my head, and on a good day it's an office with cabinets full of memories and unwanted thoughts

I thought if I imagined me sweeping them out of my ear canals I could get rid of them but the air is contaminated and when I sleep they climb back in and it all starts again

but I am fine