Prologue

A storm is brewing on the horizon.

PROLOGUE

τα δύο αδέλφια

[THE TWO BROTHERS]

 

[THE BLACK ISLE · HEAVEN'S HOLLOW]

YEAR XXV B.C

 

The storm clouds gathered like an omen from the gods, and the waves crashed relentlessly against the shores of the Black Isle. Two figures walked along the blackened sand, casting no shadows on the ground. They both walked slowly, but one - the one dressed in darker robes - walked with longer strides, a sense of urgency in his steps.

“Help me, brother,” he said from underneath his hood. Clouds of agony rolled over his eyes as he spoke; purple and black, staining the grey irises. The other figure didn't reply immediately, but stopped and turned to stare across the vast expanse of water before them. After moments of silence, he reached up to lower his hood, allowing a sigh to escape his lips as he did so.

“You know that I can't, Kataigída,” he said softly, training his alice blue eyes on the horizon. “I have no power in that world - your world " and were I to return, I would be shown no mercy.” He rubbed a tired hand along his sharp jawline and turned to look at his brother. “It would upset them to know that you've even come to see me...to ask for my help in a matter that you swore to resolve. Alone.” The final word punctured the space between them, leaving it astir with cold air.

“I know,” the one called Kataigída said quietly, almost to himself. “And you know that I would not have come had I been able to take care of this alone, but I can't...” he trailed off, too proud to beg but unsure of how else to get his desperation across.

“And I cannot help,” his brother said steadily, albeit with a touch of remorse. “There are many others you can go to...ones that may be willing to sacrifice themselves for you, but I am not. I have gotten in the middle of too many of your wars now-”

“And I am forever grateful,” Kataigída interjected. “But this...this will be the final war. I give you my word.”

“No.” His brother shook his head sadly; the mass of white hair atop it swayed with the movement. “No. It will not be the last war and you know it. How many years has it been since the last one? And the one before? We always think it's over but just as we start settling down, another storm begins to brew on the horizon.” He looked over to his brother, sorrow creeping into his eyes. “I urge you not to fight, Kataigída. Not in this war, or the next, or the next. I urge you to stop allowing him to control you like this. He likes to play these vicious games, but he won't be able to continue if he has no players. Please, Kataigída.”

“I have a duty,” Kataigída responded, with a touch of indignation. His eyes had almost fully turned a deep shade of violet, like the storm clouds overhead. Tearing his gaze away from his brother, he returned to walking along the shore, his strides even quicker than before.

“And your duty is to fight?” his brother asked skeptically as he followed him.

“My duty is to defend those that cannot defend themselves. To protect those that cannot protect themselves, and to save those that cannot save themselves. If that means that I must fight then so be it.” Kataigída paused to look back at his brother. Sadness seeped into his tone as he continued, “I will perform my duties and protect them regardless of whether or not they believe in me or my power. I must.”

“How noble of you, Kataigída,” his brother commended warily. He pulled his hood back over his head and his all-but transparent irises were once again sheltered. “But be careful; you might be going to war with our brother, but I dare say we do not know him half as well as we know each other.”

“I know,” Kataigída replied. He stopped and turned to face his brother. The waves began to settle but the storm clouds grew larger as they embraced each other.

“μπορεί οι παλίρροιες να είναι μαζί σας - [may the tides be with you],” his brother said, his voice calming the restless seas until the waves swayed gently like sinuous dancers.

“Goodbye, brother. I'll see you at the turn of the next century.” After another embrace, the brothers parted ways. One returned to the bloodless ocean, while the other went home to the sky, and the storm clouds finally allowed their black raindrops to cascade from the heavens above to the tranquil seas below.

Author's Note

PLEASE REVIEW AND CRITIQUE HARSHLY

Reviews

[Roderick Blakeman]

To me the most important factors of writing are making it readable and interesting, and I think you have achieved both of these... to a point.

I love some of your descriptions, but do feel you have overdone it a bit. I found myself thinking "is the whole story going to be littered with flowery talk?".

Putting the greek translation in brackets is a nice touch, but... not many readers will understand or be able to pronounce it. This is a tricky one for me, and although I prefer it the way you have written it I think the phonetic spelling might serve the story better. καλημέρα or kali̱méra, the first looks more impressive, but does it halt the story as the reader gives it a double take.Then comes the decision on how often you use it.

The prologue needs to catch the reader... I found Chapter One had more of a hook to it.

As far as punctuation is concerned, I really couldn't comment apart from it seems fine to me. Though on advice that I have recieved myself which I am happy to pass on... leaving a space between paragraphs makes it easier for the reader. I believe this is true, though how grammatically correct that is... "I don't know" :)

Overall... In my opinion I would get more action in the prologue and less descriptive talk.

[Ice Girl]

The prologue certainly depicts and intrigues the reader of future chapters. You've used nice and clear sentences and vocabulary, making it flow smoothly and most of all nicely. Great job!

[Cherrie]

It is always important to make the reader ask - and then what? You have an interesting tale keep the story flowing, as if you were telling it at a campfire people will like it, first and foremost you must like or it will die out. Good look and happy typing.
PS don't tell the story but let it unfold.

[Aziza]

I actually like this prologue. I feel that it is the underlining tone of this book. I know that the other chapters do not reference a war looming ahead, but it seems like you are collecting all your characters and giving them personalities to set the pace for the main setting. Especially when are using Greek Gods. People have preconceived notions on how they would act.
Great storytelling.

[kublakhan27]

I actually don't review stories very often, partly due to time constraints but mainly cuz it's not my area of literary specialty so I have a hard time making technical observations...but I'd say this is a rock-solid prologue...the characters are already well-established, and there's a big element of mystery going into the main part of the story...plus I'm a mythology buff so that element appealed to me personally...I'll attempt to read the rest as soon as I can...great work here though, you're clearly a natural storyteller :)

[El Narrador]

The first thing I would say is that you're a doing a little too much telling and not enough showing. I really hate saying that to people, because most people who have told me that were usually a**holes, and I hate to feel that I'm coming off that way. That said, that doesn't mean that I wasn't guilty of doing a little too much telling, which I think is a trap that storytellers naturally fall into, especially when they're writing from a third person omniscient point of view as you are (normally, by the way, I would advise against third person omniscient POV, but I've only read your prologue, so I don't want to make any assumptions).

An example of what I'm talking about: "...the one dressed in darker robes - walked with longer strides, a sense of urgency in his steps." Now you're telling us that there's a sense of urgency in his steps, but what does that mean exactly? What does a sense of urgency look like? What do the people in your life do or say when they have something- anything- on their mind? How do you walk when there is an urgent matter weighing on your thoughts? Show me that.

Another example: "Clouds of agony rolled over his eyes as he spoke..." Again, what does that mean? What does agony look like? Describe it to me. Don't tell me he's in agony, make me understand it by showing it to me.

Here you get a little too wordy: "The other figure didn't reply immediately, but stopped and turned to stare across the vast expanse of water before them. After moments of silence, he reached up to lower his hood, allowing a sigh to escape his lips as he did so." You didn't need to tell me that he "didn't reply immediately" or that there were “moments of silence," the fact that he stared off at the water already shows me all of that. See what I mean?

On the third paragraph you have a misplaced quotation mark after "your world."

Finally, towards the end it looks like you put what I'm guessing is Greek into the piece. As I said before, I don’t want to make assumptions, but it's usually a bad idea to put different languages in a piece of writing. This is a creative piece, which gives you a little more leeway, but I would still be careful with injecting this into the story unless you have a really good reason. If you have to do it, I would first say write out the words phonetically (romanized) so that your target audience can read it. Second, you should probably write the prose surrounding the words you're injecting in such a way so that your readers can surmise what's being said without you having to include a translation in parentheses.

I hope my critique wasn't overly pedantic, but I don't feel right just telling folks "good job" when I read their work; I don't feel that's what Writers Cafe is for. I have a very critical eye when it comes to forms of expression, and I invite the same kind of criticism for my own work. In either case, I hope this helps.

Thank you for sharing. Be well.

[meganwheeler]

My goodness this is beautiful. I am sorry I truly don't have any criticism, this is just written so beautifully. I am completely hooked, you created an amazing sense of drama and urgency, and I can envision the entire conversation in my head. This is absolutely wonderfully well done.