VIBGYOR

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR SISTER.

  

Author's Note

Birthday wish for my dearest sister Najam Us Saher.

Sorry for the mistakes..

Details about Vibgyor Color.
Violet- Represents - Future.( From here on wards i will be there as your brother to wipe your tears till end.- Its future)
Indigo-New Age-( when you complete another age means- she start new age.)
Blue-confidence- ( Come out of your cage and be yourself , i'm trying to give confidence)
Green-Freshness- ( that stanza says everything in positive and about freshness.)
Yellow-Happiness( It shows how happy i am for my little sister)
Orange-Joy or sunshine( My prayer for the glory on her as a sunshine)
Red- Love(Its shows how much i love her)

Thanks for reading

Reviews

[inner flyer]

nice, I always love your writing

[Miss Sharon]

Your sister should be very honored and proud to receive this lovely birthday write from you my friend! I loved reading this. ~Sharon

[Abraham George]

I am happy to read your comment. Glad you liked.


I hope you have gone through the author's note too.

[darkangle]

its beautiful!!!

PS. I'm back!!!! i lost my account

[Abraham George]

thanks for visiting.

Welcome back and its good to see you here again.

[Jackie]

Truly a beautiful poem filled with joy and content

[Abraham George]

Thanks for the sweet comments

[Coyote Poetry]

A wonderful poem shared. Complete poem. Filled with happiness and joy. Thank you my friend for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Abraham George]

Thanks my friend for your kind words.
I hope you have gone through author's note also.

[Coyote Poetry]

I did and you are welcome.

[Anjali]

Wow... Extremely beautiful... I loved this one....

[Abraham George]

Thanks Anjali for your valuable time you spend on my work.
Glad to know that you liked it.

[Anjali]

You're welcome

[angel]

I don't understand the line (as a beautiful hue) It seems like you were really forcing that rhyme.
Line 4 of verse 3 is extremely awkward (Happiness, what you brings). It would be better to sacrifice the rhyme than to force a bad one.
Poetry is not an opponent we as poets face with the goal of defeating it and forcibly bending it into the shape we want. Words have to be coaxed into line.
A forced rhyme is just not pleasing to the ear. I understand the impulse. It's the easy way out.We just have to resist that impulse. Line 4 of verse 3 makes no sense as it is. I would change that line to 'For taking my part'.
In verse 6, line 3, you say 'Upon you let the glory spray'. This just sounds terrible. I would definitely change that line. That should be easy; a lot of words rhyme with 'way'.
It was sweet of you, writing this piece for your dear sister on her birthday. I don't want to lose sight of that.
I just assume that since you are here, you are expecting constructive criticism and not just looking to have your butt kissed. I know that I joined for help with my writing. Lastly, I understand your reasoning about using all the colors, but they seem too distracting to me, especially the yellow. It was very hard to see.

[Abraham George]

Thanks for the criticism. I wish i could change your suggestions. But unfortunately, each verses are images that i created in one website for that font type.

Really appreciate your time and suggestions, will consider in my writings.

[JayG]

Drop the gimmicks like script and colored words, they get in the way of the poetry. If people don't like it for what it says, no amount of glitter you sprinkle on will change that.

That aside, you misunderstand the purpose of structured poetry. The important thing is the thought, not the rhyme. That's just the tap of a bell at the end of a line, for accent. So as soon as you bend the words of the line to make the rhyme, or indulge in "Yoda speak," you kill the poem.

* Gone are the years that you stay in tears

What can this mean to the reader who just arrived? Someone unknown is addressing someone not introduced, and mentioning events not listed. What, in that, will make a reader WANT to know more?

• How I came for you as a beautiful hue

Here, clearly, you're bending the line to the needs of a rhyme. How in the pluperfect hells can a person be a hue? I'm sure you have intent for how this is to be taken, but your intent never makes it to the page. So the reader has only what the words suggest.

Take a look at the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less traveled, on Amazon. It's a really good introcuction to structured poetry.

[Briana]

Very creative, very beautiful work.

[Agyani]

I've never seen something like this before. We all try to think of a cool and unique way to make the birthday of someone close to us a special day, but it doesn't always work. You, my friend, have excelled at the task! I like how you have used the colours not only to appeal to the eyes but also to make the reader feel different emotions through the words in them. Good job!

[Abraham George]

thanks my dear.

[Abraham George]

i think nobody understand the pattern i used.
I will explain in authors note.