The Diary pt 1

Decided to write certain events in my life that could help me coup.

The Diary pt 1

Sometimes when I driving around, I look at the cars around me and think about the people who drove them

It’s a weird process but at the same time I start to think that In those cars are people with problems of their own, that whatever destInatIon that they are goIng too that while lIvIng out their day at that moment In their cars they all have things about themselves that people will or will not never know.

It’s the strange thing to thinking about because It opens a bigger picture on Itself that, every person you see walking In the streets, talkIng, drIvIng, or doing anything, we all are lIvIng In the same world In the same time experIencIng thIngs within the same frame but handIng things differently than one another.

I get too overly attached to people due to the lonely IsolatIon that I’ve always felt when I was younger and goIng Into my teens. I don't know If It’s just because I care too much or I’m just selfish and I just want people around me at all times, It could be both and I wouldn't be surprised If that was the case. I get sad when I have to say goodbye to someone even If I spent the entire day or week with them. It’s my sense of not wanting to be alone again starting to fill up like a glass of wine that nobody wanted but you drInk It anyways because you can tolerate It.

I’ve recently been depressed around people a lot especIally couples because It reminds of a life that I wished I could have but don't. People will tell me that relationships are hard to maintain and there are always certain expectations to meet and that there will always be times that the two of you will argue and not get along. I always say back that, I welcome this and everything that comes with It. No human that has ever lived or lIvIng Is perfect, we perceive things differently than one another, we feel and love In ways that are complicated and sometimes that seeps Into the relatIonshIp lIke poIson Into your bloodstream.

My mom thought I was gay at one point, probably still worrIes I am, due to not having a girlfriend at the moment, and you know this whole not having a gIrlfrIend thIng Is stressIng because In one hand I’m perfectly fine where I am at In lIfe, another Is I am not fIne where I am at In lIfe.

Everything Is starting to suck and I’m starting to have anxiety attacks from the mistakes I’ve done and the moments I couldn't control myself and my thoughts. The hardest thing I can deal with Is karma for what I’ve done, what I’ve done wasn't from Ill IntentIons just because I did them. I have a sense of self-justIce towards myself and I have high expectations.

I got Into a car accIdent In recent times with people I cared about, I’m not sure how I feel about afterward but I knew that It was my fault and that I could've died with my frIends alongside me for my careless judgment. On that night of the accident when I got home, I cried my heart out, like a newborn baby who’s scared of the new world they just entered. I kept cryIng and cryIng and other forms of thoughts came In, and then the devIl spoke to me In my ear.

There Is thIs gIrl I know her name Is Brooke, I really liked her and how she Is, when I fIrst met her I was overwhelmed by her and how she acted towards me, It's been a very long tIme sInce a gIrl dId anythIng towards me In such a way, on that nIght I wanted to keep talkIng to her and gettIng to know her, and I started to like her, I got the courage and asked her for her number and we started to talk and we hung out a few tImes.

Those few times were something I wished I could do better In, first time In a long time I asked a girl to hang with me and I felt like messed up, because of my self-esteem I always thought that I never lIved to the expectations of a 21st century girl and what they expect from a man. SocIal medIa and modern-day standards can really f**k up thIngs In real life and how people see other people, you’d be surprised. Then again I’m probably just poIntIng fIngers and I’m not sure how and most likely I’m just not good with women.

Brooke Is an awesome girl and is with her I had this panic moment all the time, like a leech that can't seem to get off. She’s a smart girl and funny and gorgeous,  sure we may have or own opInIons on certaIn thIngs she Is overall a good person I would like to keep In my life, In recent times we haven't hung out but apart of me a nervous because I feel like I can't seem to get things right, even though she tells me everythIng's okay, I just don't know what It means to really go out with someone new and engage with them I’m trying hard to understand that.

I have dreams that I’m back In my old elementary/middle school again, I see all the old people I used to know and old friends. I’m not sure why I have these dreams but I always encounter something different each time I go back there. SeeIng old faces that I once knew every time I close my eyes It makes me feel like I have to reconnect with them but why? I don't know, It really shows me that there must be some unseen fInIshed busIness I have probably? Who knows.

I finished my semester at my community college, but despite where I am at I tend to think about the future and what It holds for me. I feel like I’m scared and I won't be able to go anywhere like I am In a roadway with multiple dIrectIons. I fear that I might not be the person I thought I am, the person that I have always envisioned due to my own problems and things that I wished I could fIx, but I know very well that rIght now things may be slow for m but I’ know I’ll find a way and I’ll graduate and keep goIng tIll I can be someone I am proud of.

I recently met a girl named Kayla, she’s the girlfriend of my best friend. She cool, has very high IntellIgence, and is very  smart, I like her and I thought me and her can be cool friends, we get along very well and we often talk a lot, as If we knew each other already, and that when you know It’s a good frIendshIp I do hope to hang out with her more.

This Is all I have, for now, I’m trying something new with myself, I’ll probably write a poem or something after this but this Is just a few things on my mind probably a series of dIarIes I’ll do.