Daisy Duke: American Dianetics

A Story by Abishai100

A Robin Hood adventure in Hazzard County takes us to the brink of human joy...and social disasters!

A patriotic diary about the iconic fictional TV character Daisy Duke (The Dukes of Hazzard) and what she reminded us about regarding modern American DNA. Enjoy (and God bless!),

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This is the story of an American bank robber named Isaac Satan, former member of the Church of Scientology and artist of anime/manga comics. Isaac traveled down to the area of Hazzard County in Texas, where he started selling his various manga modern comics imagery to youngsters in shops owned by old-school Texas residents of Hazzard.

ISAAC SATAN: Now, it's a known fact that Hazzard County is rich with hospitality, a restaurant, fine folks...and a bank.

Isaac had been a big fan of the two American football teams the Dallas Cowboys and the Seattle Seahawks. In fact, he liked collecting paintings of Cowboys teams, fans, and cheerleaders. He carried one such portrait on a postcard miniature in his handy-dandy wallet in Hazzard County that summer he traveled down there for a special Robin Hood visit.

ISAAC SATAN: I'm wearing my Cowboys classic cap wherever I walk around in Hazzard County this summer.

Isaac met a beautiful woman named Daisy Duke who had a lovely daughter named Eliza. Daisy worked now at the Boar's Nest restaurant in Texas and her daughter liked archery, which Isaac Satan was really good at and liked teaching Eliza. Daisy and Isaac fell in love, all thanks to Eliza's bow-and-arrow.

ISAAC SATAN: Suddenly, I feel less like Robin Hood and more like Cupid, because of Eliza and Daisy in Hazzard.

Now, Isaac Satan still had a special Robin Hood mission to perform while in Hazzard, Texas. He's to dress up like a funny scarecrow to lift some blood-diamonds smuggled in from Africa for a corrupt Texan baron named Hogg who lived in Hazzard County. Isaac the 'Scarecrow' was to walk into the Hazzard Bank with what seemed to be a toy gun but a gun filled with acid, claiming he was an Interpol agent sent to infiltrate and inspect the holdings of Baron Hogg whose smuggled diamonds were linked somehow to Canadian terrorism.

HAZZARD MANAGER: We had no idea this funny 'Scarecrow' was some kind of Interpol-hero working like Robin Hood.

Isaac the 'Scarecrow' hid his new African blood-diamonds or 'conflict diamonds' in a special ground by a tree near the Boar's Nest restaurant where his new gal Daisy Duke worked as a waitress when she wasn't serving Hazzard County as one of the town's policewomen. The crystal covered mirrored jewelry box containing Baron Hogg's evil blood diamonds would be hid there until Interpol found what exactly to do with them for the 'Scarecrow' and for Texas...and for Hogg himself!

ISAAC SATAN: Thanks for your coop in this baron matter, officer Duke.

DAISY DUKE: See, you didn't know I had a special investigation capacity, Isaac.

ISAAC SATAN: No miss, I thought you're just a darn lovely Hazzard officer!

Now, it occurred to the resourceful Robin Hood agent Isaac Satan that the lovely Hazzard woman Daisy Duke reminded him of his college gal from Wake Forest, Danica Patrick. Now that Isaac was in love, he's wondering if he should hand up his Robin Hood arrows and find love where it was once lost, in the wild shuffle of American magazine capitalism.

The Hazzard County Bank in Texas is a real fine institution, friends, and Isaac Satan the Robin Hood 'Scarecrow' agent of Hazzard was performing this blood-diamond heroics in the name of capitalism preservation, for lovely Americans like Daisy Duke wanted clean gems and not those mingled with the modern warlord traffic from Africa or Europe linked to terrible terrorism, making the Hazzard County Bank a special diadem suddenly for modern investigations! Isn't that very American, folks?

Isaac purchased a vintage General Lee automobile and took Daisy and her daughter Eliza driving around in it after they'd become something like Texas celebrities for this special Robin Hood mission in Hazzard. That's good wholesome fun.

The Hazzard County Bank was meanwhile back up-and-running with excellent expected executive efficiency.

Isaac took Daisy on a special bank robbery just outside Hazzard, near Texas, with TV cameras, in a special media-stunt sending a fun message about the human thrills of diamond agency in modern North America. The two lovebirds were suddenly masked munchkins.

DAISY DUKE: Something about Isaac makes me think of the Texas joy of sunlit diamond detectives.

Isaac picked up a local vintage town-pride action-figure representing his newfound interest in Hazzard officers.

Daisy Duke then took Isaac and Eliza to a special new Dallas dive called the Finicky Fried Chicken where the lovely Texan waitresses in symbolic kilts were serving beer and chicken from 1am to midnight. This was a great time for these people of Hazzard County, and Isaac was content in spirit and journalism.

Just then, when all seemed right with the world, and the Robin Hood Isaac was driving around by himself one dawn in Hazzard in his General Lee classic car, he spotted a masked maniac wielding what seemed to be a buzzing electric-chainsaw, wearing a daffy suit-and-tie uniform and running towards his passing Lee car! Isaac pulled out his convenient bow-and-arrow and shot this 'Leatherface' crazy square in the shoulders, and the funny brute fell to the dusty Hazzard ground, and his own chainsaw caused a slight gash in his left leg, and Isaac called the Sheriff's office as well as the local hospital.

LEATHERFACE: I hate Hazzard!
DAISY DUKE: Now, sir, you know I'm a policewoman in Hazzard.

LEATHERFACE: You're that...waitress...of Boar's Nest!

DAISY DUKE: True, but Isaac Satan helped us bring you into this jail this morning, sir.

LEATHERFACE: Satan ain't nuthin' but a loon pirate, Miss Duke.

DAISY DUKE: You need to calm down and let us work out your antisocial Texan discharm, sir.

LEATHERFACE: Why, you're as bright as the Texas daylight.

Isaac had helped Daisy Duke become even a greater celebrity in Hazzard, Texas. Now, she'd become a heroics-worker too, and a commemorative media-diary was made in her special honor.

ISAAC: This is the best fried-chicken in Texas, darling.

ELIZA: Yeah, mom's an outstanding Boar's Nest waitress, Satan.

ISAAC: You can say that again!

There would be much more fried-chicken in warmth and safety at Hazzard, now that Leatherface was behind-bars. Daisy was enjoying her double-life as the Boar's Nest waitress. She loved Satan, but was he there to stay?