Deadpool: Art of War

A Story by Abishai100

Narrator describes his quest to delineate the parametrics of American defense in this new time of great dread, deformity, danger, and of course, dream-warriors!

OK, to leave you finally, I'm opting for this fun patriotic ode to democracy, featuring my favorite comic book antihero, Deadpool (Wade Wilson), a man without real dogma!

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After 9/11, I decided America needed a real knight or defender of capitalism. That ain't easy. Capitalism is hard to defend. Why'd you give up your kid in Lithuania for a cheeseburger but for capitalism? Well, no one wants to see NYC become a warfield for ashes. That's 9/11. After 9/11, I decided to become Deadpool.

My real name's Wade. I'm half-Algerian, half-Caucasian. I studied at the Ivy League. I worked with nonlinear psychology, yes. Then I went traveling to learn about vigilantism and ninja philosophy in the East. When I returned to America, I turned on the TV, and I saw 9/11. That's when I decided I'd no long be the hapless nerd I was my whole life.

Today, capitalism is about video-games for catharsis for pure mania and egotism. That's narcissism mixed with Klonopin. No one wants a vigilante-hero who's addicted to video-games, but I am. This has indeed given me great hand-eye coordination skills and an appreciation for cyber-punk rhetoric. You need that for Microsoft/Xbox and virtual graphics that remind you of street ambition for dollars. Still remember 9/11?

Deadpool's the 'Art of War' is all about the embracing of street culture and human psychology in a nonlinear fasion. I drink lots of Japanese sake, rendering me completely numb to fear and modest amounts of pain. I wear a costume and mask and wield a sword and silencer-guns and tranqulizer-darts. No one wants to deal with anti-capitalism terrorists and extortion syndicates in US cities, but if a masked circus weirdo makes press for being a needle in their funny-bones, people start to ask, "Is War in America all about active theatrics?"

METHOD 1: I go around and post Jersey Devil wanted posters all over Chicago to poke fun at the crimelord Satan-Face.

SATAN-FACE: I will not allow that clownish vigilante Deadpool to make me, the great crimelord, a funny symbol of chitchat!

Deadpool's the 'Art of War' is all about transcending arrogance and resisting the temptations of real crime while pursuing active forms of street vigilance and evangelism. You meet lots of crazy sexy women along the way who remind you that you'd rather be back at Dartmouth studying the neuro-signals of the development of feminine hygiene.

Yet, I return to my nightly lair and enjoy my Q-Bert video-game alone and safe. I have a dog. That's confidential. I've been stalked by the NSA, since they seem to think I'm some kind of William Randolph Hearst, but the one for this new age of anti-capitalism cyber-cynical hacking.

Of course, my 'Art of War' is not a joke. These anti-capitalism terrorists remind you why you want to curl up on the couch in the privacy of your home and just forget about what kinds of masked superheroes are called to action because of 9/11. Why can't we return to the glory days of cowboys and aliens?

So, as I continue, me (Wade) --- Deadpool's the 'Art of War' requires more creative work for anti-capitalism terrorism (homegrown and foreign) engagements, which includes a blood diamond heist of the crimelord Satan-Face. After all, this guy's the head of the national and arguably global invisible worldly ring of power pyramid anti-evangelists. Satan-Face isn't happy to report to the press that he's lost yet another shipment of his ugly blood diamonds from hellish South Africa, making him even funnier in his dark city!

TOM HANKS: I think Deadpool is cool, but he's too idealistic.

TOM CRUISE: I worry that Satan-Face will simply executive him, and we'll just have folk-tales.

Look, no one said vigilantism or Deadpool's the 'Art of War' is easy, or should be! Nevertheless, I make some anonymous weblogs about foreign Internet mail-order-brides finding the promise of the American Dream in the form of homemade Eastern saree clothing. This reminds everyone that the Art of War in defense of capitalism is often just about the general aesthetics of human/social diaries. Americans like to chat and dress up, man.

NSA: We do believe Deadpool is not a terrorist, which is why we invited him to our headquarters for a tea about patriotism!

So, now Deadpool's the 'Art of War' involves tracking a young hoodlum-become-prince of hell, the dashing but dangerous Leo Sawyer who claims he's been rearing a true psychopath to serve as an apocalyptic urban manslayer whom he's named "Leatherface" for some reason. Leo is a real cool customer, and to defend capitalism, I, Deadpool must expose this prince of the night and nights as a messenger of pure sloth.

NSA: We got a strange email from Deadpool in which he hoped we'd help him publish his 'Art of War' journal.

Your average modern urban Suicide Squad cares less about the metaphysical patriot-value of Deadpool's the 'Art of War' after 9/11. These guys want to see America become another Moscow --- a place for Pepsi and underworld clown-wars.

So, "Leatherface" is this anti-cowboy manslayer who's been reared and fertilized by our previously-mentioned American anti-capitalism sinner Leo Sawyer. Leatherface wields a chainsaw and often wears suits-and-ties and of course a mask made out of human skin! This guy's like Norman Bates combined with Raiden or Scorpion. He's a real Gorgon or Gargoyle. Deadpool's the 'Art of War' will require serious focus on the magic of Starbucks for capitalism defense to label or box this Gargoyle, Leatherface, as a true messenger of apocalyptic disease.

LEATHERFACE: You won't stop me, Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: My little toy cap-gun says I will indeed.

LEATHERFACE: Cap-gun, Deadpool?
DEADPOOL: You won't think of such childhood memories, will ya?
LEATHERFACE: I prefer my Home Depot chainsaw.

Look, I, Wade, Deadpool, ain't no angel. I'm no saint. I'm not even God. I'm just an American patriot. I deal with super-villains like Doctor Bong and Black Hand. These guys make capitalism look like a cheese infomercial, worthy of spit. We don't want ISIS and Cobra and other terrorists to think American stores are worthy of spit, do we? Deadpool's the 'Art of War' requires attention to the 'serial-killer signature' of new era national heresy.

Finally, I meet the young woman of my little dreams, an Eastern European princess named Danica. She's awesome! Now, I can retire in peace and go to Brussels and play video-games with our son, Damian. Now, Deadpool's the 'Art of War' has become a cool memory, replaced by the true vision of a real beauty who replaces my thoughts of war with thoughts of sex...or diaries!

Don't fear, my good friends and readers. Someone's replacing me in this crusade to uphold the sanity of pedestrian capitalism and root out these leeches and earth-worms of terrorism and heresy. This guy's name's Captain America, and apparently he's some kind of experimental super-soldier and crusader. He's a lot like me, but apparnetly...he's more dashing!