Thief

Narrator explains how he's been a thief his whole life and why thievery has drawn out imaginations about capitalism dogma and anti-terrorism depression in America.

I'm signing off with this comics-stylized 'thief biopic' which is really a work in daydreams, and it's inspired very loosely by the tightly-crafted Michael Mann film Thief. Thanks so much for reading (and enjoy), 

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My name's Isaac Satan. I'm a thief. I've been a thief my whole life. I was born in Algeria but moved to the USA with my mother when I was 8. When I was in junior-high, I exhibited a great fascination and skill with stealing baseball cards from stores. I then moved onto payroll checks in high-school and then banks in college and more banks after college. I'm a thief.

I studied psychology at the prestigious Ivy League school Dartmouth College. I learned about human behaviors and social networks. I learned about federalism and the social perspectives on the banking system and on American ideology in general. I learned about the quality of education and the challenge of conforming media with society in the modern age and in the new age of anti-globalization terrorism (e.g., 9/11).

As a high-level thief, I've worked with some other partners and associates in planning some post-college heists. These heists have included diamonds and cash, but not much else, sometimes some corporate bearer-bonds for some unholy bosses. I've stolen over $90 million in items. My favorite thing to steal is diamonds, but I like the idea of deconstructing a bank, even if it's just for plain old dirty cash, and hopefully, insured cash that customers are not willing to stake their lives over during my mostly peaceful and elegant robberies, all of which are in America.

I once robbed a bank in Florida with a simple toy-gun, claiming to the tellers and manager and guards that it was filled with corrosive acid and that I didn't want any trouble. Because I had a nun's mask on, the bank personnel thought I might be truly deranged and simply facilitated my robbery to see if I'd just carry it out efficiently. I did so, and I walked out with $2 million in cash that day, just with my toy-gun.

I love movies about thieves and bandits and robbers and criminals, and especially movies about bank robbers. Movies about daring bank robbers who're willing to challenge the status-quo of capitalism securities by compelling banking institutions to constantly revamp their securities makes me feel like a dark knight or some kind of anti-hero. These modern movies about thieves and bank robberies capture our social fascination with the excitement associated with institutional challenges.

I've also been stalking the gorgeous American actress Ali Carter. She's been in those movies about spies and lovers, and I can't keep my mind off her. However, unfortunately, during the Coronavirus tribulation, few people think about loud romance, and I spotted Ali once during my tracking wearing one of her Coronavirus protective masks on the street. I was busy planning a robbery of a LA bank near where she was walking. I was drawn to the bank, but for one moment, I thought about this amazing American actress. Someday, I'll have to choose.

I've purchased a glass Kawaii custom-made piano. I enjoy playing classical music on it, since my mother enrolled me in lessons when I was in junior-high school. I like playing pieces by Wagner, Chopin, and of course, Mozart. I also read the Bible quite frequently, since I believe I'm an excellent thief with real scruples. My glass piano represents my joy-of-life.

I was invited to the US Open through a Dartmouth alumni club and attended, and during the event, there was a box of special diamonds to be gifted to a royal visitor from Europe, a fair princess. I stole half the diamonds, replacing them with fake ones I brought with me. However, I kept a golf-ball from that tournament as a special sacred souvenir!

My favorite robbery was of the California Bank & Trust. I prayed to the Hindu goddess Saraswati, muse of learning, even though technically I'm a Catholic by faith. I always pray to Saraswati for inspiration before my robberies, because she gives me courage and makes me feel like I'm constantly learning something valuable about the modern 'art' of evasion and capital appreciation. During this California bank robbery, I walked in with a robot-toy, claiming it was containing an explosive I'd set off if I wasn't allowed to enter the diamond vault and take diamonds from it. I was wearing a very thick beard, and the bank personnel thought I was a terrorist or lunatic and didn't bother trying to stop me!

As a kid, I loved playing with toy gems and fake jewelry. This sort of imagination indulgence reminded me what makes things and objects so special and why our capitalism focused world is so obsessed with aesthetic 'treasures' such as British Petroleum, Nike, Burger King, and Starbucks. I constantly thought about the philosophical weight of measuring treasures and cute objects in relation to the human view of daydreams!

I robbed a D.C. bank one summer dressed as the ex-President Ronald Reagan. One of the customers was trying to be heroic so I forced him to hold an unloaded gun while I robbed the bank, ensuring the other people inside the bank (as my partner grabbed the cash and put it in his bag!) that we're robbing the bank simply to remind President Trump that capitalism is rarely dioramic. It was good wholesome fun in this new era of otherwise completely demoralizing anti-globalization terrorism (e.g., 9/11).

Unfortunately, I'm currently being stalked by one of my unholy ex-bosses, a real underworld 'ghoul' named Hammond. This man with glowing red eyes, I think he has jaundice, is a real diplomat of inventive evil. I'm just a thief when compared to this real dark pirate.

BOOK REVIEW: "This anonymous thief biopic submitted by the mysterious man calling himself Isaac Satan claims to have performed the robberies known in the news, claiming that it was he who was the actual culprit, but it's not certain if he's just a plain old Ivy League graduate seeking to create an anti-terrorism caricature stylized political cartoon, but, nevertheless, the book is an excellent work in neo-capitalism dogma and poetry."

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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)